Hello and welcome to another exciting edition of the Update, where you’ll find a lot of news that never made the front page, for whatever reason — and not much that did, because we try to only report news here. If it ain’t news, why write about it?
– In the summer of the Plague Year, a great comet named NEOWISE blazes across the sky, reminiscent of Comet Negra during the Black Death of 1348 and Kirsch’s Comet in 1680 heralding the Great Plague of Vienna. CNN has reported no apparent connection, though Fox News is speculating and MSNBC has blamed Trump. Meanwhile, hurricanes, typhoons, earthquakes, other plagues, locusts, et cetera continue as per usual.
– The Supreme Court has issued several rulings, including one that effectively affirms Creek tribal sovereignty over much of eastern Oklahoma, another permitting states to control the votes of their presidential electors, and one that releases certain stays of federal executions. The first Federal court-sanctioned executions in years (not including drone strikes, no-knock warrants, and ICE) have now taken place in consequence.
– The White House has issued an order affirming that Hong Kong is no longer autonomous from China in any real sense, revoking trade protections that had been in place since that city’s return to Chinese administration and control. This is in rare agreement with resolutions from both the House and Senate, and comes as both China and the United States conduct military exercises in the Strait of Taiwan.
– On an officially unrelated note, the USS Bonhomme Richard has suffered a catastrophic fire during maintenance similar to that experienced by China’s first Type 075 assault craft back in April. It’s one of ten light carriers operated in support of Marine amphibious assault forces by the US Navy. Sabotage hasn’t been ruled out, which it likely would have been if it actually were sabotage.
– Russian police have arrested the governor of the Khabarask for his part in the murders of several local businessmen in his role in an apparent extortion ring of massive (yet not unusual) proportions. It is yet to be determined if he will commit suicide in his cell or die trying to escape. Massive protests have now begun opposing his arrest on the principle that “he’s a bad man, but he’s our bad man”.
– Kazakhstan denied reports issued by neighboring China that it is experiencing an airborne pneumonia epidemic potentially deadlier than COVID-19. Neither the allegations nor the denial can be expected to have anything whatsoever to do with actual fact. Instead, this is likely newsworthy only because it’s yet another border region where China is asserting a hostile position — preparatory to what is anyone’s guess.
– In South Africa, police arrested forty-odd people after a violent confrontation and hostage-taking in a Pentacostal church over a leadership dispute. Among those arrested were several members of the police. There’s still no word over who gets to arrange the flowers or run the next potluck.
– Houthi rebels in Yemen continue to launch largely ineffective missile and drone attacks into Saudi Arabia. Since this incursion is continual, opposed by American technology, and sponsored by Iran, it appears to be designed as in-the-field testing for new weapons systems to counter anti-missile systems. Iranian missiles have been fired into Israel and at American forces in Iraq every few days for some months now. Meanwhile, unexplained explosions at Iranian missile manufacturing facilities are no longer being officially called minor accidents by Iran’s leadership.
– Following a massive outcry on social media, Iranian courts have halted the executions of three protesters arrested in November 2019 pending retrial. Meanwhile in the United States, nearly 100 protesters were arrested outside the home of Kentucky A.G. Daniel Cameron, who is hardly unique in not arresting officers for their roles in the death of Breonna Taylor, a police killing for which it is unlikely any charges could ever be successfully filed, much less result in a conviction.
– The Trump Administration has countermanded an Immigration and Customs Enforcement policy which would have compelled foreign exchange students to return to their home countries if they fail to attend physical classes at universities this fall. This reversal comes as no surprise to anyone except, apparently, ICE and the readers of major American news media.
– Russian intelligence is trying to hack vaccine trials — not for the results, as social media has been reporting, but for private patient information in order to exploit death data, personal financials, and so on. Additionally, DDS and other attacks have been made directly against researchers and organizations by the officially sanctioned group APT29, which previously engaged against the American electorate in 2016. The objectives appear to be money and destabilization in that order.
– A massive Bitcoin scam on Twitter hijacked the accounts of multiple celebrities to defraud thousands using a platform hack. Investigations are ongoing. Prefect of Police Louis Renault has announced that he is shocked to find that gambling is going on in here.
– Media pundits, celebrities, and protest organizers appear to be surprised at reports that unidentified Federal authorities have been detaining people on the streets of Portland for some weeks now using unmarked vehicles, despite that it’s been common practice around the country for several years now. (What, you never heard of ICE? -Ed.)
– Europe has decided that the United States government spies on its citizens too much to trust American data storage companies and protocols. The European Court of Justice issued a ruling invalidating the EU-UK Privacy Shield agreement, which permitted data transfers across international boundaries. The Machine had no comment at press time. DAGEN ECHO WHISKEY SHADOW WHISKEY GOLF EPISTEMOLOGY ROMEO MIKE
– This Just In: Ghislaine Maxwell is still not dead.
And that’s all the news that’s fit to print today, 17 July 2020. If there’s something we missed, please let us know.
The Not Fake News runs on ramen noodles and copious amounts of caffeine — and, right now, far too much Benadryl. Cogency in this issue is not guaranteed. If you enjoy reading these updates, we urge you to either consider PayPal or