The Stolen Secretary Matter

Report, by special investigator Johnny Dollar, to the office of the Transition Administrator, Washington, D.C.
The following is an account of expenses incurred in the Stolen Secretary Matter.

It was half past one on a rainy Thanksgiving morning, and I’d been rudely awakened by an urgent telephone message. “We need your help,” they said, and when my country calls I’m there.

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Buy Me Some Ramen

The Not Fake News has been operating under the Buy Me A Coffee model for the past year, and all things considered it’s worked out fairly well for us. More than thirteen hundred dollars have come in, and, while expenses are still higher than income (thanks to the New Hampshire primaries), we’re getting closer to break-even.

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Sports Desk: Did Biden Steal The Election?

Opinion

It’s complicated. You want simple answers, go find yourself a simple world to live in and grow sunflowers. The real world ain’t simple, and in the real world the answer is both “Yes” and “No”. My take on it, for what that’s worth, is: Uncle Joe stole the election, sure, but he stole it fair and square.

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F&L 2020: Conceding?

On the one hand, there’s no obligation anywhere for Trump to concede — not constitutional, not ethical, and certainly not out of self-interest. On the other, it’s genuinely inconvenient — and worse — for Democrats, particularly Uncle Joe.

So what’s up? What should happen right now, and how much should the rest of us care?

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F&L 2020: It’s Not Over

It’s not over yet, people.

No, not the Presidential race, though to be sure we’re still working through some of the process. Instead, let us consider the Senate: presently deadlocked at 50 Republicans and 48 Democrats, with a probable two seats up for runoff elections in Georgia.

Republicans don’t seem to have quite realized yet that the Democrats are probably going to win both seats.

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F&L 2020: Recounts and the Electoral College

Much as Gore did in 2000 — albeit far more loudly — President Trump is refusing to concede the election. Legal teams have been mobilized in several states to draw attention to certain practices which, viewed objectively, are at least questionable. But does this mean Trump still has a chance to win? Why would he challenge the results if he didn’t?

It’s complicated. (You knew I was going to say that.)

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When Will We Know For Sure?

Not today, and probably not tomorrow either. Sorry, but that’s the truth.

In a normal year, we’d have most of these things figured out by now, but this is not a normal year. Thanks to COVID-19, a record number of votes came in by mail, and the outdated laws in most states haven’t yet caught up with the new normal. As a result, some states will still be receiving votes through Friday, one or two over the weekend, and so on. It gets complicated, and there’s no reason you should have to know all the details.

But, what the hell — that’s what we’re here for. Right? …Right?

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I Don’t Care Who Won

It’s been a long night of vote-counting, and the numbers are still trickling in. Tentatively, TNFN believes that the Republicans will hold a bare majority in the Senate, the Democrats will keep the House, and Joe Biden will probably be our next president — after a long, painfully drawn out struggle over places like Pennsylvania, North Carolina, and potentially Arizona and Nevada. Some states, it’ll take days to count the mail-in votes, and that’s the way it should be. It means the system is working.

And that’s the news, the morning after Election Day.

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