Contest entry, rejected
Imprisoned in ant-farm condos, the wild is walled away. Trees march between us in nice even rows. Aliens descend weekly to lop the heads off all our dandelions, speaking lovely liquid Português. We cannot have flowers or paint our doors red. I bet the aliens can.
Gates constrain us, curbing channels us, our parking spaces are assigned. Separated by common landings, we nod politely, never speaking. Nightly garbage walks are furtive lest, caught unawares, we meet.
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Either the ghost of Hunter is with us again, or we’ve got an A.I. chatbot mimicking his style. Normally I’d consider the latter except this was left in the old dusty Remington on the Sports Desk, which is what you might call an airlocked secure system.
Why don’t you be the judge? -Editor
(more…)It’s complicated. You want simple answers, go find yourself a simple world to live in and grow sunflowers. The real world ain’t simple, and in the real world the answer is both “Yes” and “No”. My take on it, for what that’s worth, is: Uncle Joe stole the election, sure, but he stole it fair and square.
(more…)There is a dusty typewriter on the vacant desk that is our Sports Department. In fond memory of our dear departed Sports Editor, we’ve left it unchanged — the ashtray still overflows, the empty bottles fill the bottom drawer, and even the same sheet of paper sits on the platen — still pristine after all these years.
Some days, sheets of manuscript mysteriously appear in the Out Box. When they’re cogent, we do some minimal editing and send them out under Duke’s byline. After all, it could be him, filing on the great Mojo Wire from Beyond…
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We have a new guest columnist; someone came in and left this on the empty desk over in our Sports Center. Unlike most others, this one also left a release. Wonders never cease. -Editor
Football season’s over and the Virus is keeping a lot of folks home, but there’s always good conversation over at my favorite watering hole. There were a bunch of us talking about Tulsi Gabbard yesterday, and her strange Hawk and Dove view of foreign policy. Makes sense to me, but not everybody gets it. But then McK weighed in on the subject, and his words are worth repeating (more…)
With this essay, we welcome to our ranks first-time contributor Rick Swim, who has graciously allowed The Not Fake News to use his answer to my gripe. I set him off with the following: (more…)
Hot off the Mojo Wire from roving Sports Desk reporter Duke Milhaus, on special assignment in New Hampshire covering the primaries. (Editor’s Note: I did NOT send him. He stole a credit card and my tech guy, and if you see him I want them both back, dammit!)
Dateline: Manchester, 05 Feb 2020
To Share Brewery
Tonight’s Meet & Greet with billionaire and recovering hedge fund manager Tom Steyer took an unexpected turn when the candidate walked back his position on cannibalism. Ever dapper in shirtsleeves, iridescent belt, and trademark plaid tie, Steyer’s (more…)
OK, huddle up, and take a knee.
I want to talk about team rivalries, and brace yourselves, team: This will not be pretty.
Many people have been taught to hate the Other Team at all costs. They’ve been shown – wrongly – that making excuses for themselves, and denying the good plays made by the opposite team, that this is a good thing. I’m here to tell you, it is not; it is divisive and self-destructive, and it harms our people more than any really bad call ever could. (more…)
(Editor’s Note: This is another in our ongoing series of guest columns on current events. Rudyard “Duke” Milhaus of the Sports Desk is well-known for his passionate commitment to objective journalism. Unfortunately, due to his exhausting schedule of hands-on research into America’s prisons and substance abuse problems, this is the only picture of him we can find.)
Have you ever tried to bargain with someone? To dicker? You know, tried to get the best deal on a car, or something else that’s flexible in price? How you do it is, you start out with an extreme offer, then slowly work your way to a price that’s more in the middle ground, somewhere between what they want to get and what you want to pay. (more…)
Editor’s Note: This is another in our new series of guest columns on current events. Once again, here’s the infamous Rudyard “Duke” Milhaus, of the Sports Desk .
Huddle up, gather round, people!
There’s a new playbook being used. It’s not the prettiest set of plays ever to hit the field, but the Opposition started it and now everyone’s picking up on it, so we’re gonna have to learn it too. It’s called the “Fake News Play”.
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The Not Fake News 
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