Is it a happy New Year? Really? …Well, at least it’s New. Right? …Right?
Well. One out of three ain’t bad.
Hello and welcome to the most recent edition of the Update from The Not Fake News: All the news you’re afraid you might have missed while you (quite sensibly) left the TV turned off for the past couple of weeks! So, without further ado, let’s get started!
If it’s December 2021 in The Not Fake News, what time is it in New York? My watch stopped.
And if you too have lost track of what’s going on in the real world during this surreal time, read on for details!
Happy Thanksgiving! If the return of the Macy’s parade doesn’t interest you, and if you’ve lost track of what’s been happening in the world — the real news, that is, rather than who’s been found guilty and who hasn’t in the new sport of Televised Trial Infotainment — feel free to read on.
And if you’re not interested in what’s happening in the world around you, what are you doing here?
Against all expectation, things are actually happening in Washington D.C. these days. And, not to put too fine a point on it, some of them are actually newsworthy.
…I know; right?
So, for the benefit of all of you who shut down in self-defense at the words “new” or “politics”: Here’s the short version, with as little spin put on it as conscience permits.
The second Hallowe’en under quarantine is approaching, and kids are still stuck uncostumed throughout most of the civilized world. Mischief Night will go mischiefless and All Souls Day will arrive virtually unheralded, all because we don’t want to actually join the celebratees on the Day of the Dead.
…Which, I suppose (regretfully) is reasonable. But I’m still annoyed.
For those of you who care about other things than Hallowe’en, you have my pity. Out of an overabundance, our loyal and hardworking staff has compiled headlines for yet another of our news digests so you don’t have to worry about missing anything important during all the hype surrounding the non-news on CNN. And for those of us mourning our beloved holiday, perhaps this will help serve as a welcome distraction.
Ever feel like the evening news is stuck on Repeat, and it just keeps endlessly feeding us the same disaster list over and over again?
Unfortunately, it’s not your television. It’s the world that’s stuck, or is it The Matrix?
It’s been a while since our last Update; thanks for that, COVID.
Here are a few events you might have missed in the mean while:
There are storms on the horizon, friends. Some of us have seen more them than we’d like; some of us haven’t noticed. And if you’ve been watching a single storm cloud, you might have missed the others.
So here are a few things you might have missed in the past week or so, particularly if you’re relying on infotainment to deliver your news:
It all seems peaceful out there, quiet even… Yes, it is quiet. Too quiet.
That’s because, like the sane people you are, you’ve turned off CNN and you’re relying on the news to come to you when you need it. That time is now, and that news is here. Read on and you’ll learn about all sorts of things you missed that are vitally important to… well, to someone.
Dateline: On Vacation
Even while having endless fun in the sun, our tireless staff has managed to come up with enough meaningful news that’s fit to print for us to run another Update. If you’ve been getting your information from the headlines on Twitter and the Top Ten Trending List, some of this might be new to you. If you’ve been relying on major media, rather more might.
So sit back, relax, and make sure your seat backs and tray tables are in the fully upright and locked position. Here goes!