So, yes, there was an election. As always, it was the most important of our lifetimes. As always, the very existence of our nation and way of life were at stake. And as always, two nearly identical political parties both won and the rest of us lost, so nothing’s going to change.
Enough said; moving on to important things:
On this date in 1307, a dawn raid was launched on the Knights Templar by King Philip IV of France, leading to the capture, torture, and execution of hundreds of innocent men. Philip was later named “the Fair”, but for his looks rather than his sense of justice.
Since that day, a lot of things have happened, most not newsworthy. Here are a few of the more recent events that you might have missed due to 24-hour news masquerading as disaster porn:
GOOD MORNING, VIETNAM!!! And, for everyone in the continental United States, we’d like to wish you a very pleasant good evening. Unless you’re in Florida, that is, in which case we’d like to wish you something very well-anchored to hang onto until the storm passes.
That’s right, folks: Hurricane Ian has hit Florida with near-Category 5 winds. This is the 551st hurricane known to have impacted Florida, the most heavily hurricane-hit state in the United States, and is expected to do several billions of dollars worth of damage. Which, of course, nobody could possibly have predicted would ever happen; not in a million years. Thus, it has made the front page.
The Queen is dead. Long live the King.
Enough about that. Let’s talk about a few of the things you might have missed while the headlines were dominated by the shocking news that a near-centenarian monarch passed away quietly.
The world continues ever chaotic, with wars, droughts, plagues, famines, earthquakes, and hurricanes galore. So it ever was, and so it shall be until time ends, or so we’ve been reliably informed.
Amid the never-ending cycle of disaster and in-depth reporting, it’s easy to miss the occasional item of import that happens while we’re foolishly paying attention to Donald Trump or some other headline-hogging unpleasantness. What’s worse, sometimes the things we miss are the positive ones; tragedy has a way of grabbing column inches, while triumph often falls below the fold. We at The Not Fake News have undertaken to help correct this tendency with our regular Updates.
And so, without further ado, here we go!
Hello, good evening, and welcome to The Not Fake News Update. There’s been tremendous excitement over a very minor development in the U.S. Senate, and we expect speeches, parades, and perhaps a big brass band next. We’ll cover that later, but first, here are some things you might have missed if you’ve only been reading the headlines.
And Ye Shall Know The Truth And The Truth Shall Make You Freemural on the wall of the CIA Headquarters building
It’s hot. It’s very hot. England has set records for the heat, and you couldn’t get me back to Texas for love or money.
On the other hand, in some parts of the southern hemisphere, it’s a record cold winter, with blizzards and record freezes. Along the Po River in northern Italy, a record drought is killing crops; in Spain and Portugal, wildfires have claimed over 1700 lives. The first Atlantic hurricanes are making landfall, and the monsoon is hitting Pakistan with flash floods.
So much for the weather. Now let’s discuss headlines.
The Truth Shan’t Make You Free
We’ve all heard about Roe v. Wade being overturned. It has dominated the headlines on every outlet from CNN to Fox News ever since the judgment was released, to be replaced only by other SCOTUS decisions, militant yet unrealistic statements by politicians, and a massive barrage of fundraising ads from the Democratic party.
Contrary to public belief, other occurrences of note have taken place during this time, and it’s only right that we should share them.
The Truth Shall Mock Yer Fear
Midsummer has passed, and the days will now get shorter and shorter until Christmas and snow. Not to worry, though; there’s plenty of hot summer between now and then. And that’s the weather; now on to the news!
Yes, there are hearings. You already know all there is to know about those, so, as usual, let’s move on to things you won’t see on the front page.
The Truth Shall Make You Fret
The news and feeds are all full of these hearings, which for some reason couldn’t be held in a timely manner but instead needed to be delayed until… wait, is it Midterm season again? Wow! What a coincidence!
It might surprise you to know that, while you were watching that, other things happened in the world, some of them quite interesting and even important. Here are a few: