Dateline: On Vacation

Even while having endless fun in the sun, our tireless staff has managed to come up with enough meaningful news that’s fit to print for us to run another Update. If you’ve been getting your information from the headlines on Twitter and the Top Ten Trending List, some of this might be new to you. If you’ve been relying on major media, rather more might.

So sit back, relax, and make sure your seat backs and tray tables are in the fully upright and locked position. Here goes!

Hello, good evening, and welcome to the latest edition of the Update. If you haven’t been keeping track of world events and developing news (because, let’s face it, life is stressful enough), stay tuned and you can get a quick jolt of reality before going back to the important things, like cookouts and consuming alcohol. Even if you have been keeping track, maybe there’s something you missed, because major media doesn’t actually cover news. It provides infotainment.

Are you being infotained? If so, read on.

It’s gotten easier to ignore the news now that Trump’s no longer featured daily. (Except on MSNBC, which has for the 1,359th straight day announced he may be going to prison — but this time they mean it.) Let’s face it: America has gotten sick of depressing things, and now that we’re over 50% vaccination and ending states of emergency across the country, we’re ready to go back out and enjoy the world.

(Well, some of us. Personally, I haven’t been terribly inconvenienced by the lockdown. I like it at home; all my things are here — unlike all you people.)

So, if you’ve been tuning out for a couple of weeks, or if your only source of information is major media and your Twitter feed, here are a few things you may have missed:

It’s gotten easier to ignore the news now that Trump’s no longer featured daily. (Except on MSNBC, which has for the 1,346th straight day announced he may be going to prison — but this time they mean it.) Let’s face it: America has gotten sick of depressing things, and now that we’re approaching 50% vaccination, we’re ready to go back out and enjoy the world.

(Well, some of us. Personally, I haven’t been terribly inconvenienced by the lockdown. I like it at home; all my things are here.)

So, if you’ve been tuning out for a couple of weeks, or if your only source of information is major media and your Twitter feed, here’s a few things you might have missed:

I’ve had my second vaccine shot, it’s unbearably hot outside, and really, what else do you need to know?

Well, quite a bit, actually. It’s been a busy few days, and you might have missed some of the more important items if you rely on chance glimpses in your Twitter feed to get your news. Here’s a quick rundown:

Derek Chauvin was found guilty on all counts, but if you have any clue who he is, you know that already. Several other things have happened lately that you might not have noticed, however; the American press is pretty skilled at ignoring the rest of the world. Come right down to it, it’s pretty good at ignoring the obvious stuff that happens here. Keep reading and we’ll tell you more.

If you’ve been paying attention to recent events, you’ll be aware that an ultra-massive container ship ran aground in the Suez Canal the other day and is playing havoc with global shipping. If not, you’ll be interested to learn of it. Either way, here are a few other things that have happened recently that you might have missed.

Note: There’s not much good news, and the humor is ultra-cynical. If you’re having a bad day, you might give this Update a miss.

Well, COVID is still raging, though there’s now a third vaccine approved in the US. Trump showed up at CPAC to wild applause, and whether or not that’s a Nazi rune on the floor, there was actually a golden Trump idol you could get a picture with. Oh, and we’ve got a couple new robots exploring Mars.

All this is true, and it’s news; so far so good. But if you think that’s all the news, you’ve got another think coming. Here’s just a few things that happened over the past couple of weeks that you might have missed.

Trump’s second impeachment is over in record time, and of course they didn’t convict him. The big question is, what did you miss while the big show was playing?

Here at The Not Fake News, we keep track of these things for you so we can bring you these periodic news digests. So sit back, queue up your favorite sea chanteys, and relax while we tell you what really happened.

“Well, it’s Groundhog Day. Again.”
-Bill Murray, “Groundhog Day”

Aside from that, not much really seems to be happening. Except… is there? While the major news networks are full of reports on topics ranging from the erratic entertainment value of the Superbowl to “Uncle Joe’s” flying home for the weekend in the face of COVID lockdowns, isn’t it possible you might have missed an event or two of actual importance?

We at The Not Fake News think so, which is why we bring you these periodic news digests. Buckle in; I promise it’ll be a ride.