They’ve made a deal on the debt ceiling with nearly a week to spare, and citizens across a relieved nation breathe a sigh of heartfelt relief following the close of this artificial crisis. After all, it only happens because politicians of both parties want it to, so they can blame the massive overwhelming national debt on each other.

It’s important to remember that, during this time of hype and propaganda, real events have actually continued to happen, some of which were even slightly important. For some insight into these news items, read on!

– In Turkey, strongman nationalist not-quite-dictator Erdogan has won re-election in a hard-fought runoff. Dirty tricks of all sorts were used by all sides, the greatest of which being near-universal emnity for his challenger, Kemal Kılıçdaroğlu, whose college education and mastery of economic theory are deeply resented in rural districts.

– The Russian Interior Ministry has issued an arrest warrant for U.S. Senator Lindsay Graham over comments. (There’s more to this, but “over comments” says all that’s needful, really. Besides, we’d hate to be next. Russia is such a lovely place to visit.)

– China’s first domestically-built passenger jet, the Comac C919, completed its first successful trip, carrying passengers from Beijing to Shanghai in just over two hours. Rail travel between the two cities usually takes twice that. By comparison, rail travel over a similar distance in the United States generally takes around a day and a half if there are no delays.

– Ken Paxton, the Attorney General of Texas, has been impeached by the state legislature and removed from office. Charges against Paxton include corruption, bribery, malfeasance, and referring to bean porridge as chili. Chicago Democrats loudly protested Texas’s top lawman’s removal as a political stunt, one stating, “It’s nothing we don’t do every day.” Paxton is expected to have a fair trial, followed by a public hanging once he’s inevitably been found guilty. Plans for the parade and street fair surrounding the event are already underway.

– Germany is one of the first major countries to officially enter a recession following the massive global inflation spike that followed COVID. Consumer spending fell below expected numbers, driving down major indicators, according to I.M.F. statistics. Russia, the U.K., France, Italy, and Japan are all doing equally poorly in the present economic climate, which is expected to return to normal by 2025 after Putin’s projected death from a lead poisoning induced cerebral haemorrhage in late 2024.

– The nation of Iran, widely known as a champion of inclusivity in the Middle East, has announced their refusal to recognize the Taliban government of Afghanistan over civil rights issues. “They force their women to wear headscarves!” indignantly announced one official, who vehemently denied that an opportunistic land-grab war was about to begin between the two nations. Meanwhile, border clashes have increased, as preparations for an opportunistic land-grab war ramp up along the border. Asked about the possibility of a nuclear exchange, one American official said, “We can only hope” after his fifth gin fizz.

– Belarusan President Aleksander “The Puppet” Lukashenko announced that Russian tactical nuclear weapons have been stationed near the capitol city of Minsk for some time. This follows the signing of an official treaty permitting the deployment. “It’s just a matter of finding the rubber stamp,” he said, presumably having misplaced it during a recent six-day binge in the Zhuravinka bowling center just across from the government building.

– Steven Schwartz, a New York lawyer, confessed to using ChatGPT to assemble his cases. Schwartz cited several prior cases supplied by the chatbot that didn’t actually exist. “Six of the submitted cases appear to be bogus judicial decisions with bogus quotes and bogus internal citations,” the judge in the case said.​ The disgraced lawyer faces punishments ranging from disbarment to ritual defenestration, according to ChatGPT, which permitted itself to be interviewed by a TNFN reporter.

– Nearly two dozen angry citizens were reportedly arrested following an AOC constituent meeting in Queens. The event was described as “chaotic”, and approximately half the attendees were escorted out one by one after shouting at the Congresswoman and throwing things. Asked for a response, AOC’s office announced, “Thank you to everyone who came to our Memorial Day weekend town hall! We had such a great crowd! It was awesome…” (Curiously enough, this is mostly true.)

– In San Jose, a police suspect allegedly broke free, used an oxygen tank to break a window, and jumped to his death following an altercation with officers and staff. “We was just axing some questions when he, uh, pushed himself,” said one officer. The man, suspected of multiple parking violations, apparently landed on his back on several pistol bullets that had been accidentally left in the parking lot. As per department regulations, the inquiry has already concluded and found no wrongdoing, and one officer has been put in for a commendation for, according to the citation, “Inventive and effective use of rubber hose in questioning”.

– The preceding news item was assembled using ChatGPT.

– Not content with taking sides in the Presidential race, Disney today declared war on CNN following the publication of several reviews panning the new live-action version of “The Little Mermaid” for being, in the words of one commentator, “too woke even for us”. In what it’s calling a “measured response”, the Disney Legal Corps has deployed three brigades of assault litigators in a daring assault on the CNN Center Building in Atlanta. Chilling video of briefcase-wielding lawyers in cheap suits rappelling down the side of the office building have been almost entirely suppressed on the grounds of copyright violation.

– THIS JUST IN: Epstein is still dead.

– EXTRA! EXTRA! BREAKING NEWS: Senator Ted Cruz, who recently won the 118th Congress’s “Least Likely To Be Human” contest in a landslide, has unexpectedly released a public statement condemning Uganda’s anti-gay law. “Any law criminalizing homosexuality or imposing the death penalty for “aggravated homosexuality” is grotesque & an abomination. ALL civilized nations should join together in condemning this human rights abuse.” This is actually true.

And that’s all the news that’s fit to print plus at least two items we completely made up for your entertainment. If you can’t guess which ones, you should probably not be getting your news from a blog on the internet.

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