The headlines are filled with up-to-date reporting of the missing submersible that carried high-ticket tourists to view the wreck of the Titanic, which is doubtless very exciting and interesting, especially to those involved.

But while the poor (or, rather, rich in money only) passengers remain suspended in a Heisenbergian limbo of uncertainty, other things are happening in the world and it’s worth not losing sight of them.

Read on for details!

– Investigative reporter Matt Taibbi, referred to by the American Socialist Party as a Commie-loving liberal pinko ivory-tower intellectual until he began his expose on Twittergate, has recently released a coauthored blog post wherein he and two colleagues cite three names affiliated with the Wuhan Institute of Virology as potential Patients Zero in a suspected November lab release of a presumably engineered virus precursor to COVID-19. No evidence is provided to support this contention, but Taibbi has recently been named a “Nazi-loving MAGA pig” by the Twitter Committee on Un-American Activities.

– Iceland’s Minister of Fisheries Svandís Svavarsdóttir has announced that all whaling operations will be suspended in the country, this after a video emerged of a hunted whale dying in agony over a five-hour period. “Proper hunting demands at least a twelve-hour chase,” remarked a source close to the minister over sushi in New York. (More on that later.)

– In the latest Olympic corruption controversy, French police have raided the offices of the 2024 Parisian Summer Olympic Committee, as well as those of construction company Solideo. This follows hard on the resignation of the Committee’s president, Brigitte Henriques, and the dismissal of both the national football and rugby association leaders. “We’re looking hard at these allegations,” remarked the Surete’s chief investigating officer from the deck of his new 300-foot motor yacht in the Med. “No stone shall be left unturned,” he added before personally handing round champagne and caviar to the members of the press corps then in attendance.

– Presidential relative Hunter Biden has agreed to a plea deal in his tax evasion case, one that will eliminate significant prison time and expunge a firearms charge from his record. Meanwhile, his father’s campaign raised several million dollars in a San Francisco event where Biden blamed states and communities for failing to act on gun control, saying that law enforcement must strictly enforce current laws. “Let me be clear about something,” Biden then said at a later event. “If this Congress refuses to act, we need a new Congress.”

– The United Nations has passed the new High Seas Treaty, which, once ratified by more than sixty member nations, will become legally binding on its members. “If whales were meant to survive, they wouldn’t be so tasty,” remarked one Japanese delegate to his Icelandic compatriot over sushi. The two went on to deplore American automobiles for destroying the environment and finished the evening passed out in the Finnish ambassador’s limousine, which was parked at the time in the middle of Times Square but couldn’t be removed due to the diplomatic plates.

– Lebanon has again failed to elect a president. This most recent ballot round, unlike most previous, had a clear vote leader, with “Massive Meteor Strike” ahead of “Great Cthulhu Rising” by a solid nine percent before quorum was lost as several delegates wandered away. The current president, who died of old age in 2003, had no comment to make on the situation.

– Moldova has banned the pro-Russia SOR Party following its underwriting of recent protests with funds reportedly embezzled from the national banking system by the party leader, who left prison and fled into exile in Israel just ahead of a new round of arrest warrants four years ago. The party, which had its first member elected to Parliament in the last election, held a victory parade afterward that devolved into a bloody riot when the marchers were, we’re told, informed they would not be paid for attending.

– The first of several scheduled commercial flights from Yemen to Saudi Arabia has landed without casualties, this following a pause in the decades-long Yemeni Civil Proxy War to permit the scheduled Hajj. Several more flights are planned in upcoming days.

– Las Vegas, a city well known for its ice and snow, has won a skating sportsball event. More information on this doubtless important story when we find our Sports Desk reporter, who was last sighted fleeing bats near Barstow on the edge of the desert.

– THIS JUST IN: Epstein is still dead, and nobody really minds.

And that’s all the news that’s fit to print. Unusually for us, we didn’t actually make any up, though the quotes are at least suspect and some of the names and events were changed to protect the innocent (and the guilty). If this bothers you, you should probably not be getting your news from a blog on the internet.

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