Hello, good evening, and welcome to another edition of the Not Fake News Update. Are you sitting comfortably? …Good.

It’s been a slow news week since the sub imploded, and media outlets around the world have begun poking random billionaires with long sticks to see if they can provoke them into doing something newsworthy. Alas for them, this has been ineffective thus far; however, there is still some hope of the Zuckerberg/Musk cage fight.

As always, however, things continue to happen around the world that major media has ignored and/or downplayed, though for what reason we at The Not Fake News can’t even hazard a guess. Lest our readers somehow miss something important, here are a few of the most newsworthy items:

– Riots in France have burned themselves out again. This most recent round had the novel approach of taking place in the suburbs, as Parisians, worn out after months of massive strikes over pension reform, refused to do anything to interrupt the collection of mountains of garbage that had accumulated. Suburbia wasn’t having it either, however, and disappointed rioters strategically withdrew to their dens in parental basements to plan their next move, which, despite oft-expressed hopes, likely won’t be a return to college. The several non-events that didn’t happen included the non-burning of the National Library and the non-erection of a prop guillotine due to the absence of a proper permit. Wildly popular internet films showing the burning of a new car park were actually filmed in Australia, not France, which explains the curiously non-French accents in the video, not to mention the cane toads.

– Two of the largest tech companies in China, Tencent and Ant Group, were assessed massive fines for failing to comply with money laundering regulations. Share prices in the affiliated groups actually went up as a result, which is seen by many to signal the end of an ongoing government crackdown against the sector following public governmental criticism by, and the subsequent disappearance of, Chinese tech billionaire Jack Ma. The outspoken businessman has reportedly divested himself of most of his holdings and has taken up a guest professorship in Tokyo, disappointing online gamblers at PredictIt who had overwhelmingly bet on “shot trying to escape”.

– Yet another American aid package for Ukraine has been announced, this time including artillery-fired cluster munitions. Russia, which has been using these weapons against Ukraine for over a year, has objected to the American model on the grounds that their use is immoral. This is actually true.

– The last known publicly revealed stockpiles of chemical weapons in the world have been destroyed, according to President Biden. The United States was the last nation with such a stockpile held in reserve, and had been a signatory to a multinational treaty requiring their destruction. Now only those nations with secret stockpiles, such as Russia, Syria, and Iran, will have them henceforth, at least until a few minutes after the next time they use them, at which point a low-yield nuclear response may occur.

– Iran’s Revolutionary Guard has seized a Chevron-owned supertanker on grounds of criminal smuggling. The Bahamian-flagged vessel had earlier collided with another vessel, quite likely also controlled by the IRGC, and been fired upon by an IRGC naval vessel until an American destroyer closed in and temporarily interrupted the operation. The normal procedure from here will be a multi-million dollar ransom disguised as fines. This is standard operating procedure for vessels operating in the Persian Gulf, and oil companies consider the periodic piracy as part of the cost of doing business.

– Japan has announced that their plan for the safe release of radioactive wastewater from the long-defunct Fukushima power plant is ready to go forward. The discharge is rated at a few gallons at a time, such that no measurable increase in radiation will occur. In response, South Koreans have started hoarding fish and other products, and China has announced a ban of food imports from ten Japanese prefectures. Meanwhile, the Chernobyl Gourmet Society has given the plan glowing reviews.

– The Democratic Party’s plans to reorder this coming year’s presidential primaries have hit another snag, as Iowa Republicans scheduled their caucus for January 15th, again retaining first-in-the-nation status. More fireworks are expected over the New Hampshire primaries given that state’s law requiring them to have the first primary contest in the nation — a law Democrats appear content to ride roughshod over with characteristic disregard for state and individual rights. The first D.N.C.-sanctioned contest is South Carolina’s in early February, which will certainly conflict with the schedules in these other two states. President Biden is unconcerned, saying in a prepared statement, “This is a war relating to munitions. And they’re running out of that ammunition, and we’re low on it. And so, what I finally did, I took the recommendation of the Defense Department to – not permanently – but to allow for this transition period, while we get more 155 weapons, these shells, for the Ukrainians…”

– THIS JUST IN: Epstein is still dead, Trump is still odious, and there’s presently no popular candidate for President who can reliably form complete sentences. It’s an historically low bar, but they keep persistently failing to clear it.

And that’s all the news that’s fit to print. Unusually, we didn’t make any up, not even the quotes, though some of the names were changed to protect the innocent (and the guilty). If this bothers you, you should probably not be getting your news from a blog on the internet.

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