Most 24-hour ‘news’ networks are just a continuous series of disaster porn interrupted by occasional bursts of self-righteous propaganda masquerading as fair and balanced editorials.

We here at The Not Fake News believe that there’s not much going on in the world that anyone needs to know about right this very second, live as it happens, unless they happen to be present. Even if we wanted to fix it (which we might), there’s rarely anything we could do (unless we’re Elon Musk and it involves trapped miners and lots of water). They’re out to sell advertising and, by watching, we’re funding their methods, which involve exaggerating the already terrible and discounting or even ignoring the good things.

So here, as we regularly do every few weeks or so, is our recap of the very few events that have happened that are actually newsworthy. Don’t expect coverage of Barbenheimer; we honestly don’t care what movies people see and which get nuked.

– Twitter is now X, Tweets are now Posts, but Home is still a birdhouse. So, basically another nothing-burger, but what the hell, we’ll mention it anyway.

– Saudi Arabia has announced they will be hosting thirty nations in an upcoming peace summit aimed to end the war in Ukraine. This is scheduled for sometime in the next two weeks. The official Russian Diplomat Team has recently ended their suspension on grounds of doping and bribery, and is said to be eager to return to the game. The new team from Turkey is likely to be a serious contender, as they’ve added three ultra-heavyweights to their forward bench. Vegas is showing a surprise uptick in bets on the plucky Moldovan team, however, likely due to the cancellation of the Champagne Marathon in respect to the host nation. Meanwhile, the street price of black market vodka in Riyadh has reportedly tripled in anticipation.

– In Sudan, the ongoing civil war has been interrupted by widespread popular protests. Anti-government forces reportedly have been engaging in widespread rape, theft, and destruction, and while the latter two were expected, the first has drawn sufficient public outcry that citizens have taken to the streets and basically stopped the conflict. No, we are not making this up.

– In Sportsball news, something happened to some ashes, and women are now sportsing in a popular tournament that people are watching. This latter is remarkable because usually it’s only the men sportsing that people watch. Go women!

– The country of Niger (not to be confused with neighboring Nigeria) has either suffered or enjoyed another coup d’état, depending on which side one happens to be on. European nations are evacuating civilians, presumably because they haven’t decided yet. Niger has huge uranium reserves; otherwise nobody would particularly care unless they happened to live there.

– NOAA has announced that the North Atlantic has reached an all-time high mean temperature, this several weeks earlier than the top thermal spikes in recent years. Preliminary data indicates that the late-August number is precisely 0.01 degrees warmer than the previous record, set last September, and well over a full degree higher than the average spikes of a century ago. (We’d make a joke about this, but the A/C is on the blink.)

– Palestinian civilian protests against Hamas have grown violent, prompting neighborhood conflicts between rival armed gangs. Since these gangs represent the only law enforcement Hamas uses, it seems unlikely that any external force will act to stop the unrest. The confirmed death toll has risen to eleven. Neighboring Israel has released a statement encouraging the continual “free and frank exchange of ideas between these peace-loving fraternal organizations”.

– The Philippines have registered an official protest with the United Nations over Chinese incursions on their territorial waters and Chinese naval harassment of their ships. Their protest will join those of South Korea, Japan, Indonesia, India, and forty-seven other nations including Ireland. Yes, Ireland. China denies all wrongdoing. “Who are you gonna believe, them or us?” said one spokesman who was immediately detained and summarily disappeared immediately following the broadcast.

– In Senegal, unrest is increasing following the government’s arrest of the opposition leader and dissolution of his party following claims that they were “fomenting unrest”. Normally we’d insert a joke here, but upon reflection have determined that it would be redundant.

– One person was killed in a Chicago suburb on Sunda- Wait a minute. That’s not news. …Oh; I see. I misread. ahem ONLY one person was killed in a Chicago suburb this past Sunday, potentially setting a new record.

And that’s all the news that is news, plus as always some that isn’t. As we mentioned, all modern news is infotainment of some sort. Ours at least is kinda funny on occasion. Thanks for reading!

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