Welcome, welcome! Welcome one and all to the most recent of our Not Fake News Updates, if you’re keeping track of them as they go by. C’mon in, pull up a chair, pour yourself a cup of coffee, and get ready for some bits of news you might have missed while the 24-hour infotainment networks have been spewing distractions at you again.

Are you sitting comfortably? …Good. Then let’s begin!

– On Thursday, the Biden Administration announced the completion of approximately twenty miles of border wall between Texas and Mexico. The construction used Trump-era funds earmarked for the purpose. When asked if the wall works, Biden responded, “No.” This is 100% true, no humor added.

– High speed rail in the UK has been canceled as a result of spiraling costs. PM Rishi Sunak announced that the £36 billions saved will be spent on other rail, road, and bus upgrades. This announcement takes place amid yet another round of rail strikes. A Conservative party spokesman, caught off-guard at a cocktail party, reportedly joked, “Not like the trains are moving anyway. Who cares if it’s fast or slow?”

– Russia has one-upped the rest of the world in nasty weapons development, test-firing a nuclear-powered radiation-spewing nuclear missile with an effectively unlimited range. The new 9M730 Burevestnik (or “Thunderbird”), a weapon rather more suited to outer space than any planetary surface people might consider living on in the foreseeable future, is theoretically capable of flying below missile defenses designed to battle ballistic weapons. American military commanders have issued a communique from an undisclosed location strenuously denying that they’re sheltering in a secret bunker. NATO commanders are expected to issue a similar message after they return from their weekends at home.

– Laphonza Butler, former director of Emily’s List, was selected by California governor Gavin Newsom to fill the Senate seat vacated by the death of Dianne Feinstein. This move, which would be comparable to a Republican governor selecting the head of the NRA, has attracted no media censure whatsoever except from Fox News, and that doesn’t actually count. Butler’s tenure at Emily’s List, it should be noted, has been marked by mass staff and donor disaffection and departure due to her efforts to change the organization from pro-choice and pro-women to generally progressive.

– Turkey and Syria are now shooting at each other. This follows Turkey shooting at Syrian rebels, Turkey shooting at Kurdish separatists, and the U.S. shooting down a Turkish combat drone that got too close. When asked who they’re likely to shoot at next, Turkish representatives told a Not Fake News reporter, quote, “Hands up!”

– The United States has transferred 1.1 million rounds of seized Iranian ammunition to Ukraine. The 7.62mm rounds, suitable for firing from AK-47s, were being smuggled by the Iranians to Yemeni rebels when first discovered by U.S. Navy personnel. This move has been widely protested by the Yemeni rebels, Iran, and the American military-industrial complex, who evidently didn’t receive their envelope of cash beneath the men’s room door this week.

– Rep. Kevin McCarthy was ousted from his seat as Speaker of the House after doing his job properly for the first time in months, passing bipartisan budget legislation against the opposition of eight functional illiterates from his own party. These, citing his treachery, allied with House Democrats to bring down one of their own, with one Democrat siding with the Republicans. Again, no humor was added to this story by the editors.

– Russia and Abkhazia have signed an agreement that will allow the permanent installation of a Russian naval base on the Abkhazian coast of the Black Sea. For our readers unfamiliar with the nation of Abkhazia, it used to be part of the country of Georgia, and is approximately the size of the proposed Russian naval base.

– Iranian activist Narges Mohammedi has won the Nobel Peace Prize from her prison cell in Iran. This marks the ninth major humanitarian award she’s won since her activism began. Her causes include opposition to chastity and hijab laws, general feminism, and most recently sending out reports from prison on the regular abuse of prisoners. Meanwhile, the United States continues to imprison more than twice as many of its own citizens per capita than Iran (though cable TV and free healthcare are available).

– A Kenyan security force will be sent by the United Nations to combat gang violence in Haiti for the next year. Haitian gangs have been responsible for hundreds of kidnappings, thousands of deaths, and general civil unrest in that nation’s cities for nearly a decade, and their government has been begging for international assistance for several years. Meanwhile, in Kenya, Foreign Minister Alfred Mutua has been replaced for his role in sending a peacekeeping force, showing that, indeed, no good deed goes unpunished.

– BREAKING NEWS: Hamas has reportedly run a major incursion into Israel from Gaza, generating a large number of casualties. The objective is unclear.

– UPDATE: Epstein is still dead.

Not mentioned in this Update were most of those killed in wars and border conflicts, including but not limited to the Azerbaijani conquest of the Khabarakh region of Armenia and the subsequent mass civilian killings, because that sort of thing happens every day all around the world, and while regrettable, isn’t really news. Incidentally, Iran, despite their absolutely horrific reputation in human rights circles, is the only nation sending any humanitarian aid to the people of Armenia at this time.

And that’s all the news that is news plus as always a little bit that isn’t. Donations, as always, are appreciated but not expected, particularly in this economy. It’s no worries; we like ramen.

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