The Not Fake News Update: 22 March 2020

I know it’s a No-Post Sunday, but some of us have a job to do while you sit at home and binge Netflix. Put Friends down (it’s not tough to manage; that show sucked almost as bad as Seinfeld) and read.

For a country so dedicated to the news, we sure are ignorant of a lot that’s been going on.  Here’s what’s been happening in the world while we’ve been sheltering in place.  Aside from the obvious, that is.

– Paleontologists confirm the existence of Asteriornis, a true bird that flew while dinosaurs roamed the Earth.

– Leader Kim Jong-un celebrated a friendly letter from President Trump which offered assistance with the ongoing pandemic. North Korea then shot two rockets into the Sea of Japan — but hey, it’s something.

– Most of us are stuck at home, but Domino’s alone has hired more than ten thousand delivery drivers to help out. Shopping service InstaCart is doing a booming business, as are Uber Eats and DoorDash.

– Turkey and Russia were briefly at war a couple weeks ago — shooting but no declaration — until cooler heads prevailed. Putin and Erdogan resolved the situation, but Turkish troops are still in Syria.

– Australia is mostly not on fire right now. The wildlife still wants to poison you to death and eat you, not necessarily in that order. But at least it’s not cooking you beforehand, right?  Down side, looks like ASL football might be cancelled because of this virus thing.  Australians are not happy about that.

– Speaking of Australia:  After eighty-five years in business, the Australian Associated Press will be closing down later this year.

– Afghanistan now has two presidents.  Incumbent Ashraf Ghani won the election; rival Abdullah Abdullah also announced his own victory.  Both were inaugurated in separate ceremonies on the 9th of March; Abdullah had only just escaped an ISIL assassination attempt three days earlier at which more than thirty others were killed.

– Big earthquake in Salt Lake City the other day.  Residents were reportedly “a little shaken up”.

– You heard that Democratic Rep. Tulsi Gabbard ended her campaign on Friday, which made me very sad. But even sadder was the one you didn’t hear about: Republican Bill Weld stepped down as Trump’s only challenger once Trump won enough delegates to clinch the nomination.

Miami does not exist. It’s a complete myth.  Remember:  You heard it here first.

– The Republic of North Macedonia has joined NATO.  Greece is still annoyed that they have “Macedonia” in their name; North Macedonia is annoyed that Greece still exists in its present unconquered form.

– Epstein didn’t die of COVID-19.

That’s the news, folks.  I’m sure there’s other things that got missed, so if you think of something, drop a line in the Comments.


Some of you have mentioned that you miss these regular updates, so here you go.  If you want me to continue, feel free to vote with your wallet by pressing the button below.  Be sure to mention you’re paying for more updates or I’ll never know the difference.

It’s just like the primaries that way.

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