Welcome to another edition of the Update! You’d think with the world locked down, nothing would be happening — but you’d be so very wrong.
– The world’s locked down, so nothing is happening. Except some people don’t want to be locked down, so they showed up at the state house in Michigan with guns and body armor (all in the permit; nobody was hurt) to protest the continuing lockdown. This is the second such protest in two weeks. The Michigan Legislature agrees with the protesters; the governor does not, and has extended the state’s lockdown another month.
– Meanwhile, Hawaii has opened flower shops for today, Lei Day. California has closed its beaches but people are still going; actually, California is pretty notable for people refusing to observe the lockdown in urban areas. And I’m staying home. So should you.
– The Not Fake News has acquired the rights to its own domain name, TheNotFakeNews.com — which, hopefully, will make it so people start replying to our press inquiries. If donations continue, we’ll consider taking on more staff and publishing regular issues and updates. We predict donations will fall off sharply given our political endorsement (below) because most (but not all) Republicans are too damn cheap to donate. Screw it; we’re not here for the money.
– High courts have upheld the inability of the Executive Branch to broadly withhold federal grants to cities that adopt Sanctuary City status. Dozens of cities across the country are refusing to enforce laws against people who, as best I can tell, we’re now referring to as “paperwork-deficient foreign citizens residing domestically”. The White House is expected to appeal.
– Baltimore is responding to its sharp increase in violent crime by instituting a so-called ‘pilot program’ of aerial surveillance, and no I’m not making that name up. Continuous overflights have been designed to give live coverage of everything that happens out-of-doors, and the information will be used by police to track, prosecute, and presumably prevent crimes. Preliminary injunctions from the ACLU have been overturned on the grounds that greater violations of civil liberties happen all the time, and again I’m not joking or misquoting.
– NASA has officially selected SpaceX, Dynetics, and Blue Origin to design the lunar lander for the Artemis Program to use in 2024’s return to the moon. This expedition to the lunar south pole is designed to determine certain aspects of using a moon base for further solar exploration.
– The White House has authorized mobilization of the Reserves and National Guard for drug interdiction purposes. To the best of my knowledge this has received little press attention and no explanations have been provided. More on this as it becomes available.
– Workers across the country are declaring a general strike today, which is easy enough since there’s not many places open. Notable for the likely impact, however, is the set of strikes scheduled for InstaCart, Amazon, and a few other delivery options. Better go shopping yourselves, people.
– The board of ICANN has, after massive public protest, opted to refuse permission to a venture capital firm acquiring rights to the .org domain. Curiously enough, all that stands in the way of such a movement is a vote by the trustees; there’s no law or treaty involved.
– Justin Amash has made history by becoming the first Libertarian member of the House of Representatives. He has renounced his Republican party affiliation in protest of Donald Trump but has opted to pursue a third party candidacy. Present favorite for the Libertarian nomination Vermin Supreme has challenged Amash on his stance on several issues, which apparently aren’t very Libertarian.
– Universal Studios has announced that all its movies going forward will be simultaneously released in cinemas and through online streaming services. AMC Theaters announced in response that they will no longer be showing any Universal new releases. And I’m still staying home.
– In the Libyan Civil War, one faction’s leader has declared victory and crowned himself dictator. The other faction is amused. Meanwhile, the separatist Southern Yemeni revolutionary government in Aden has likewise announced success in establishing their rebel state; leaders in most other cities in South Yemen have declined to join them. Terrorist bombings in Afghanistan and Turkey have been blamed on the usual suspects but have not been claimed, giving rise to conspiracy theories. And some dumbass in Canada shot some people, which is all the attention I’m ever going to give him.
– The #MeToo Movement is continuing to ignore sexual assault claims against Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden, who in turn is not acknowledging them in any public forum. (EDIT: Presumably in response to this story, Uncle Joe is responding.) Democratic Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi defended the candidate with the compellingly original phrase, “Joe Biden is Joe Biden”. The official editorial position of The Not Fake News is that the place for these things is and always has been in courts of law rather than public opinion, and hereby retroactively endorses the re-election campaign of Maine Senator Susan Collins since these sorts of allegations apparently don’t matter to Democrats and we approve of moderates in principle.
– Epstein is still dead. Joining him is wildlife photographer Peter Beard, who… well, what can we say? Legally, I mean. Um… Who was never convicted — to the best of our knowledge.
If there’s something we missed in this update, please do let us know in the Comments. Or, to really draw our attention, you could always send us money using the button below. The Not Fake News operates largely on your donations, so it’s a darn good thing I enjoy ramen noodles.