Welcome to the Update, and May the Schwartz have been with you!
Here’s some things you might have missed that have been happening while we were paying attention to other things:
– A random nut attacked the Cuban embassy in Washington the other day. After trying (but failing) to light a graffitied Cuban flag on fire even with the help of gasoline, he opened fire on the building with a semiautomatic rifle. There were no injuries except possibly the voices in his head, who he says orchestrated the attack. Cuba has denounced this as an act of terrorism. Meanwhile, Canada has banned the sale of 1500 different weapons, giving subjects a two year period to turn them in to the government.
– The least effective Bay Of Pigs attempt ever has apparently taken place in Venezuela, except maybe it didn’t. Venezuelan state television announced that an assault was foiled, broadcasting pictures of American uniforms and heavy weapons. Former American soldier and current mercenary Jordan Goudreau appeared in an online video claiming responsibility; other video shows him claiming his bill to Juan Guaido’s government for training was never paid. The smart money has it that this is a clumsily fabricated event, possibly presaging a Venezuelan invasion of Colombia.
– The Taliban has claimed responsibility for an attack in Afghanistan. ISIL has claimed responsibility for an attack in Baghdad and another against Egyptian military in the Sinai. RAF fighter-bombers have been at work against Iranian militias in Iraq and perhaps Syria. And a member of the French Foreign Legion has died of injuries sustained in an IED blast in Mali. Meanwhile, Pope Francis has joined many Muslim leaders in a day of prayer to end the Coronavirus threat. Happy Ramadan.
– South Korean and American military have concluded that the recent exchange of gunfire at the Korean DMZ was probably accidental. Such exchanges had been common until recently, when tensions began to relax. Meanwhile, Leader Kim has apparently been sighted at a ribbon-cutting ceremony for the first time in two weeks.
– A security guard at a Family Dollar in Detroit was (allegedly) gunned down for refusing to let a young lady enter the store without a mask. The presumed shooter is still at large at the time of this writing, but apart from him and the woman in question, the entire family has apparently been arrested. Meanwhile, the armed protest at the state capitol ended with no casualties.
– “Police are searching for an “aggressive chicken” accused of engaging in fowl play at an Louisiana bank.” I took that quote straight from the headline with no alterations. Apparently, the bird has been harassing the drive-thru ATM customers, but is canny enough to evade officers of the law who have been in pursuit for some time.
– 29 soldiers have been approved for Purple Hearts for concussion-related injuries received in the January 8th missile attack by Iran on American bases in Iraq.
– A group of researchers have discovered a fungus that protects mosquitoes from transmitting malaria, which is one of the top killers worldwide even during a pandemic. Nobody’s sure how to disseminate the stuff, but if it works it could put a huge dent in malaria deaths.
– Massive earthquake in Puerto Rico; no press coverage. I’m told it mainly caused property damage in the mountain villages, which are fairly isolated even in good times. This is but the latest in a cluster of quakes measuring over 5 on the Richter scale.
– THIS JUST IN: A federal judge has granted Yang’s request for an injunction requiring the New York primaries take place as originally planned. State DNC officials had voted to take the names of qualified candidates off the ballot in order to give Biden the uncontested win. This is huge.
– THIS JUST IN: Massive skyscraper apartment building fire in Sharjah in the UAE tonight. Sheets of flame blasted into the sky. We’re told most of the residents were evacuated, as well as many from neighboring buildings. A 50-story building was fully involved. No cause is yet known. The aluminum cladding on the outside eventually ignited and acted as a vast torch, dumping clumps of burning metal into the street all around. The government is already working on a massive re-housing program. Given the spate of recent skyscraper fires in the area, they’ve got to be getting pretty good at it.
– Epstein is still dead; Biden is still running; Trump is still president. No change.
If there’s something we missed in this update, please do let us know in the Comments. Or, to really draw our attention, you could always send us money using the button below. The Not Fake News operates largely on your donations, so it’s a darn good thing I enjoy ramen noodles.