Television news and internet feeds all seem to report continuously on the same disasters over and over, inundating with crises and negative news until we start to burn out.
Well, friends, we’ve got you covered. The Not Fake News presents a lovely list of all the crises and negative news that major media forgot to mention. So sit back, relax, and start reading!
– NASA has launched a mission to Mars, including the new Perseverance rover and Ingenuity helicopter. If all goes well, the payload should arrive on the surface of Mars in February of 2021.
– The STC separatist movement in Yemen has announced acceptance of the Saudi-brokered peace deal aimed at ending the years-long civil war. The deal, long thought dead, would grant South Yemen a degree of national autonomy. Rebels had previously accepted and reneged on the same deal, but experts say there’s reason to believe they won’t. Neville Chamberlain was quoted as saying that “I believe it is peace in our time.”
– The Cuban government has relaxed restrictions on government-owned businesses and local agriculture in response to the COVID-related economic downturn. They have also begun to permit the U. S. dollar to be used as a substitute currency locally. Smugglers throughout the Caribbean are reportedly ecstatic, but local money launderers are extremely displeased.
– Belarusan security forces arrested a 32-man Russian mercenary team operating on their territory, and the Committee for State Security has been tasked with getting an explanation out of the Russian government. This would be somewhat similar in tone to the President of the United States sending the F.B.I.’s Hostage Rescue Team to fetch Mr. Putin for a friendly chat.
– Pro-Russian separatists in the Donbass region of either Ukraine or Russia (depending on the phase of the moon, who you ask, and whether they’re armed) opened fire on a Ukrainian military outpost with heavy weapons shortly after a brokered peace went into effect. The Ukrainian military refused to return fire, and the peace is reportedly holding.
– The peace process in Afghanistan is on shaky ground, as the Taliban condemns the government in Kabul of recapturing freed prisoners. The Kabul government denied the charge, saying that they had captured enemy combatants in the act of firing weapons at government forces. Independent observers have determined that both sides are probably correct, since a large percentage of newly-freed prisoners are apparently returning immediately to the front lines.
– Turkey has passed a law requiring foreign social media sites to appoint a Turkish representative to filter content or be subject to fines or other penalties. In addition, user data will need to be stored in Turkey, accessible to the local authorities. The Not Fake News has not yet received any requests from the Turkish government but, on the off chance, knows right where to file them.
– The Sudanese civil war continues to continue to continue, despite all major parties having withdrawn from the conflict. A mass shooting in South Darfur which killed at least twenty was followed by a party of five hundred gunmen opening fire on a housing complex in West Darfur.
– Senate Republicans have rejected the House Democratic plan to extend unemployment benefits due to several trillion dollars in extraneous programs. House Democrats rejected the Senate plan due to several billion dollars in proposed military and police expenditures. For once, President Donald Trump was the sole adult in the room — mark it on your calendars — condemning both groups for stupid political posturing and offering a no-frills as-is extension which House Democrats turned down. Bonus unemployment payments are scheduled to end next week.
(Editor’s Note: Moments before publication, we were corrected: Apparently, Arizona Senator Martha McSally (R) was a second adult, who also offered a 1-week extension package that was blocked by Schumer (D). Good for you, Martha!)
– Amid rising tensions between Russia and the European Union, the United States is moving an armored division out of Germany. Speaking of the move, Trump is reported as saying of NATO, “They don’t pay their bills, so we’re leaving.”
– BREAKING NEWS: Earlier this year, pundits suggested that COVID-19, like influenza, would not survive in the summer heat. In what has every chance of being recorded as the hottest summer ever in the United States, the pundits have been proven wrong. The editorial staff of The Not Fake News would like to remind everyone to avoid taking medical advice from major media and television’s talking heads, or even blog posts. We’ve been pretty reliable so far, but even so — if your doctor tells you to ignore our advice, listen to your doctor.
– THIS JUST IN: Ghislaine Maxwell did not commit suicide in her cell again last night. More details as they become available.
That’s all the news that’s fit to print today, 31 July 2020. If there’s something we missed, please let us know.
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“The Press was protected so that it could bare the secrets of the government and inform the people. Only a Free and Unrestrained Press can effectively expose deception in government. And paramount among the responsibilities of a Free Press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.”
– Justice Hugo Black, U. S. Supreme Court