The Not Fake News Update, 02 Sept 2020

Welcome to the most recent Update, if you’re keeping track as we go along. Here’s what’s happening in the world if you’ve done the sane thing and turned the news off:

– COVID-19 vaccine trials are going smoothly. CDC has released comorbidity data to assist in differential diagnosis (no, it’s STILL not a hoax), and a supercomputer has now analyzed the disease’s progress and come up with an interesting hypothesis. Conspiracy theorists will be pleased to hear new vaccines and treatments still won’t be ready before the election.

– In related news, the CDC has acted to block most evictions on the theory that it may well spread contagion. Makes sense to me.

– Chadwick Boseman, the actor who played Black Panther, died of colon cancer. He was 43. Wakanda Forever!

– Russia still has not invaded Belarus under pretense of helping control the ongoing unrest. Protests have been continuous since the recent contested election, which saw prominent candidates arrested, massive suppression efforts, and results that went completely opposite exit polls. Belarusan military and secret police have been black-bagging protesters; rather more privileged American protesters subjected to arrest in the streets have used this to draw some amusing comparisons.

– Border skirmishes continue around the entire perimeter of mainland China, from the strait of Taiwan to the Hindu Kush. This is not unusual in normal times, but it’s practically unique in the age of COVID. Otherwise, only in Afghanistan and the Sudan are conflicts continuing during the pandemic; even the Syrian Civil War is cooling down. China, however, is an enlightened nation with millennia of recorded history, and… no, not sure where I was going with that.

– Amazon has won FAA approval for their new drone-based delivery service to operate domestically, making them the third such company. Corporate spokesmen have clarified that this is only one step; further testing and development will need to take place, and it will likely be years before Amazon drones start attacking our Hallowe’en decorations.

– Independent physicians in Germany have confirmed that Russian opposition leader Alexei Navalny was poisoned by a sophisticated nerve agent similar to one used against other dissidents by Russian intelligence agencies. Russian law enforcement branches have yet to decide whether this constitutes a criminal act.

– Speaking of Russia: Russian trolls are back. The American elections are being subjected to foreign influence again, both from organized hackers and online meme factories. This time around they’re backing both candidates in order to sow maximum dissension. Ladies and gentlemen: DO NOT trust memes to inform you. If you do, you’re helping Russia mess with the election.

– BREAKING NEWS: This just in from Spain — Su Excelencia el Jefe del Estado, General√≠simo Francisco Franco is still dead. And so is Epstein.

And that’s the news! As always, if we’ve missed something you think ought to get more press — and we probably have — let us know in the Comments!

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