The Not Fake News Update: 13 October 2020

On this day in 1307, hundreds of Knights Templar were arrested at dawn by King Phillippe IV of France. They were later tortured, tried, and convicted of heresy. In other news, I don’t much care for Joe Biden’s candidacy, though I like the guy in person, and will probably vote third party.

A great deal has happened since our last Update, but not so much of great pith and moment. Let’s take a look, shall we?

– President Trump announced his intention to make Juneteenth a national holiday. He was apparently quite vexed that the death of Justice Ginsburg drowned out ‘his’ press.

– Four massive saltwater lakes have been discovered underground near the south pole of Mars; it is presumed they may contain life. No relationship between these and Nikola Tesla has been announced at this time.

– The Supreme Court of Ireland has ruled that the substance on which the healthy alternative chain Subway constructs its sandwiches cannot be classified as bread due to its high sugar content. Presumably it is some sort of cake; the Court did not specify. American cheese has been determined to be a “processed cheese food product”; bologna, meanwhile, narrowly escaped being termed “tile grout” due to its high water permeability.

– Hormel Foods, which released the first batch of Spam in 1937, responded to allegations that, due to the ongoing COVID-19 pandemic, they have now released their second batch. Spam has now sold over nine billion cans since its initial creation. Unfortunately, the Pumpkin Spice variety, which sold out in a matter of hours last year, has not been re-issued.

– Iran is apparently upset because stray mortar rounds fired between Armenia and Azerbaijan have fallen within their territory near the contested border. Until that announcement, both the United States and Russia were actively pushing for a cease fire in the embattled Khabarakh region.

– Tasmanian devils have been deliberately reintroduced to the Australian mainland for the first time in 3000 years. Presumably, cane toads weren’t enough.

– As a humanitarian gesture, disputed Belarusian president Lukashenko personally visited opposition leaders in their prison in Minsk.

– Following a particularly vehement and profane diatribe broadcast by President Trump on the Rush Limbaugh show, Iranian-supported Iraqi militia Kata’ib Hezbollah has announced a cease fire with the United States. Trump reportedly said, “If you f— around with us, if you do something bad to us, we are going to do things to you that have never been done before.” Iranian scholars were aghast and astonished, and finally concluded he is threatening to use the ginger beer trick on them.

– Facebook announced that they will ban Holocaust denial on their platform. Conspiracy theorists have refused to be quoted on the subject, but in public statements made on rival platform Parler, the common theme appears to be, “Well, they would, wouldn’t they?” Parler recently celebrated their twentieth repeat user.

– THIS JUST IN: Epstein is still dead. The newest theory is that, during attempted autoerotic asphyxiation, he forgot the safe word. There is no truth whatsoever to the rumor that Hillary Clinton was his “safety buddy”.

And that’s all the news that isn’t, today on the thirteenth of October in the Year of Perfect Vision. As always, if you can think of something we missed, we really don’t care, but you can mention it in the comments anyway.

Given the state of recent donations, I’m not sure why I’m putting the button here. Mindless optimism? Something like that, anyway.

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