If you’ve spent the past week breathlessly watching the presidential election and subsequent vote-counting, you’ve probably suffocated. It’s important to remember to breathe.

And yes, they’re still counting votes in Nevada. That’s because it’s Las Vegas. They really want you to tremble with anticip—

– The United Kingdom has begun a new month of lockdown in the face of a predicted autumn spike in COVID cases. This is expected to ease the crisis in time for everyone to get thoroughly ill at Christmas.

– France has set in motion certain preliminary procedures toward censuring Turkey over their aggressive militant actions contrary to European Union dictates, including providing arms to Libya. Curiously, France has yet to surrender even once.

– Edward Snowden has applied for Russian citizenship. The formerly American whistleblower has determined that this step is necessary so he can’t be separated from his wife and newborn son by pandemic restrictions.

– Puerto Rico has, for the first time, voted to approve a non-binding referendum which would permit them to accept U.S. citizenship. While this referendum has not been authorized by the Executive Branch, it would suffice should Congress vote to accept them as a state. Puerto Rico would in that case be admitted to the Union with two Senators and an estimated five Representatives.

– Civil war has erupted in Ethiopia, to coincide with other active conflicts in Mali, Azerbaijan, and Afghanistan. In a startling reversal, Sudan has closed its border with Ethiopia rather than the other way around.

– Water has been discovered under the surface of the moon. World governments have already determined a provisional scheme to tax it. This is actually true.

– China has taken steps to ban imports from Australia, presumably as a response to Australia’s participation in American war games in the South Pacific. China is now officially hostile toward every industrialized nation in the world, with the possible exception of Venezuela; opinions are split over whether Venezuela presently counts as “industrialized”.

And that’s all the news. Statistics for today’s Update were provided by statistician Marge Innoverra. Office furnishings were provided by consultant Chester Drawers, with the assistance of seat-cushion tester Mike Easter. The Not Fake News uniform was designed by Natalie Drest. Occasional editing tasks were performed by Sarah Bellum.

And as always, even though that game show broadcaster, whatsisname — wait, wait, don’t tell me — has never heard of us, this is not NPR.