Trump’s second impeachment is over in record time, and of course they didn’t convict him. The big question is, what did you miss while the big show was playing?
Here at The Not Fake News, we keep track of these things for you so we can bring you these periodic news digests. So sit back, queue up your favorite sea chanteys, and relax while we tell you what really happened.
— One week after “Uncle Joe” Biden announced an end to support for the Saudi war in Yemen, Houthi rebel forces launched a massive ballistic missile at one of the Saudi cities. It was shot down by a U.S.-made Patriot battery based in Saudi Arabia. For those of you who express surprise at the curious ability of rag-clad rebels to manufacture high-performance ballistic missiles, they can’t; like most of their other armaments, this was supplied by Iran. Houthis are even now pushing hard against the last strongholds of government loyalists in the north, and Iran has been verified to have produced uranium metal.
— Massive poultry culls are being employed worldwide in an attempt to control highly pathogenic influenza strains from spreading further. Both H5N1 and H5N6 are known to be highly dangerous to humans should they mutate and cross the species barrier. India, China, Vietnam, South Korea, and Germany have slaughtered millions of birds between them. Hundreds of wind turbines in Texas have reportedly seized up out of jealousy (or, possibly, ice).
— The west African country of Guinea has declared an Ebola outbreak. This coincides with a second outbreak in the Kivu province of Congo. A new vaccine is being deployed, starting among healthcare workers, but the region lacks the infrastructure (or, let’s be frank, the money) for full deployment.
— Spacecraft from China and the United Arab Emirates have each entered the orbit of Mars. The Chinese plan to launch a surface probe from orbit some time in May; the UAE probe will study planetary weather patterns. Meanwhile, Elon Musk’s Tesla Roadster has finished passing behind Mars and is on track to be visible from Earth again soon.
— Both China and India have pledged to withdraw military forces from a disputed part of east Kashmir after months of brushfire conflict between the two nations. Both sides are expected to renege on the agreement, each from the well-founded fear that the other can’t be trusted.
— Yet another Black Lives Matter protest has unexpectedly turned violent, this one in New York City. Dozens of rioters and two police officers were seriously injured in midtown Manhattan. Meanwhile, House Speaker Pelosi has announced the formation of a House investigation committee over the D.C. riots of January 6th.
— In a related story, the Minneapolis Police Department has reported it will be spending over $6 million on new recruits. This news was released unofficially through the chief’s office, since the City Council has taken over the Police Spokesman’s office. An anonymous source, when asked if the Council would publicly confirm the spending, responded “I wouldn’t hold my breath.” (This is actually true, and the official site at print time contains no mention of the spending increase. -Editor) Meanwhile, an internal investigation is underway in the NYPD over Valentines cards sent between officers with the image of George Floyd and the line “You Take My Breath Away”. (You just can’t make this s#!t up. -Ed.)
— Turkey has begun another series of mass arrests aimed at disrupting Kurdish PKK operations. According to the Turkish government, these are in response to the deaths of thirteen Turkish nationals previously held as hostages by PKK forces in Syria; other sources report that the thirteen were killed in government bombing raids against the Kurds. There appears to be little dispute over whether the dead were actually hostages at the time of their deaths, just who it was that actually killed them.
— The annual Sportsball championship was held in Florida, and there were riots. TNFN has yet to determine whether the winners or losers did the rioting, as our Sports Desk editor is still missing. (Duke was last seen somewhere near Barstow, on the edge of the desert. -Ed.) Meanwhile, we’re told NASCAR held their 63rd Daytona 500 without any concern over COVID-19, since, as a spokesman said, “You don’t need to wear a mask in your car.” Winner Michael McDowell is, apparently, not the same Michael McDowell who authored the novelization of the movie “Clue”, which is good because he’s dead.
— THIS JUST IN: Contrary to QAnon announcements, Donald Trump is still not President of the United States. The former president has set another personal record for his amount of time no longer being president. The next date on which his non-presidency is supposed to be confirmed is March 4th, on the theory that no amendments since the Civil War are valid. No response yet from QAnon spokesmen over the impeachment document submitted by Trump’s team calling for acquittal on the grounds that he is “no longer president”.
And that’s all the news we’ve run across that’s worth writing about. If you can think of something we missed, let us know in the comments.
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