If you’ve been paying attention to recent events, you’ll be aware that an ultra-massive container ship ran aground in the Suez Canal the other day and is playing havoc with global shipping. If not, you’ll be interested to learn of it. Either way, here are a few other things that have happened recently that you might have missed.
Note: There’s not much good news, and the humor is ultra-cynical. If you’re having a bad day, you might give this Update a miss.
— ISIL militants have captured Palma, in Mozambique, after a running battle with overwhelmed government soldiers. Mass executions and beheadings are taking place in the city as the militants consolidate control. A tourist hotel was a prime target, and several Europeans were killed despite the best efforts of the city’s defense force.
— Over a hundred protesters were slaughtered by Myanmar’s ruling military junta alongside their celebration of Armed Forces Day. State television has announced an official warning that protesters will be summarily executed by being shot in the head; if they flee they will be shot in the back. Aside from near-universal condemnation, world powers are doing nothing in particular. China and Iran, however, have each unofficially announced their admiration for what they term “efficient administration methods”.
— Facebook has blocked the account of Venezuelan President Maduro for spreading misinformation about COVID-19, including several obviously false “miraculous cures” for the virus. An attempt was made to contact President Trump for comment, but it appears his own accounts are also still blocked.
— Georgia Republicans are fighting a war on water in order to win the next election. “Real Southerners Drink Bourbon” is, despite any reports to the contrary, not the new Republican party slogan for the 2022 midterms. It would have been fun, though.
— In the face of increasing sanctions from Europe, Canada, and the United States, the nations of China and Iran have signed a 25-year partnership agreement. China plans to make significant investments in the Iranian economy, specifically in the energy sector. Meanwhile, Iranian efforts to separate weapons-grade uranium are reportedly ramping up as the country continues to accumulate material for atomic warheads. Reports of Iranian real estate firms investing in “soon-to-be beachfront property” in Syria are, apparently, unfounded, as Iran appears instead to be using militants to capture the territory instead.
— A massive fire at the Balukhali refugee camp in Chittagong, Bangladesh has left upwards of 45,000 people homeless. Several deaths have been confirmed and many more are suspected, but there appears to be little interest in making an accurate count — or, for that matter, in rehousing the surviving refugees. These are primarily Rohingya, who fled genocide in Myanmar; an estimated 1.3 million surviving Rohingya are presently sheltering in Bangladesh.
— A 59-year-old local man detonated a suicide bomb in Guangzhou, China, in what local officials called an “act of sabotage” at what was described as a community center (which may mean Party organization headquarters). Several were announced dead in the initial release, but no further information has since been made available.
— Unofficial sources are calling the recent grocery store shooting in Boulder, Colorado a terror attack, but that may be solely due to the perpetrator’s recognizably Syrian name combined with racism and a lack of imagination. Official sources are either not commenting on motives or are discussing the perpetrator’s history of mental instability and anger management problems. The attack was made using a high-performance handgun purchased legally after a successful background check at a local gun store.
— Afghanistan’s government has rejected the American peace plan. Regardless, President Biden has announced that American troop withdrawals will continue, though the May 1st deadline will likely be missed. Monitoring agencies have revealed that American forces have habitually engaged in hundreds of millions of dollars of wasteful official purchases of vehicles and infrastructure in the region. Pentagon sources refused to confirm that Trump Administration plans for a live-action Call Of Duty theme park have collapsed, possibly because we just made that up.
— Fatal car bombings have recently taken place in India, Colombia, Afghanistan, and most recently outside a cathedral in Indonesia as worshipers were assembling for Palm Sunday services. In response, House Democrats have launched a new initiative for “Common Sense Car Control”.
— The latest in a series of fake news stories about COVID vaccines states that Pfizer’s CEO refused to take his dose; as connoted by the epithet “fake news”, one can conclude that he in fact did take it. In fact, he’s already had his second shot. This internet myth is sometimes linked to video from December, when he said he intended to wait his turn. Other myths include the inclusion of microchips, fatal quantities of aluminum and mercury, that it’s made from human blood, and similarly insane and baseless suggestions. The simple fact that it’s an experimental injection created using genetic engineering techniques is apparently not frightening enough for the internet paranoid community. (Also, it works.)
— THIS JUST IN: Epstein is still dead, and almost nobody else appears to be facing charges. In particular, frequent “Lolita Express” passenger and former president Bill Clinton instead appeared alongside Vice President Harris at an Empowering Women event. The DNC has yet to endorse a Republican candidate for president in 2024, but there’s still plenty of time, and a midterm to lose between now and then.
— PS: There’s a volcano in Iceland. This isn’t news; Iceland’s full of ’em. This one, however, is brand new, and people are heading out to it in order to roast sausages on the hot lava and otherwise revel in the unseasonable warmth. No, this is not a joke.
And that’s all the news that is news and some that isn’t, here in lockdown at the end of March, Year Two of COVID. If you can think of something we missed, please write it in pencil on the back of a $20 bill and send it to us here at The Not Fake News.
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