Derek Chauvin was found guilty on all counts, but if you have any clue who he is, you know that already. Several other things have happened lately that you might not have noticed, however; the American press is pretty skilled at ignoring the rest of the world. Come right down to it, it’s pretty good at ignoring the obvious stuff that happens here. Keep reading and we’ll tell you more.
— The President of Chad was killed by ‘insurgents’ as he led his own army from the front lines. Idriss Déby had been dictator for 30 years, and was expected to win the election (final results are due on the 25th) when his death occurred at the hands of Libyan invaders posing as revolutionists. The forces of Libyan warlord Kalifa Haftar continue to advance on the Chadian capital. Déby has been widely viewed as a strong ally against the Boko Haram insurgency.
— Indonesia has lost one of its two Cakra-class submarines in the Bali Sea during a torpedo drill. The 40-year-old submarine was until recently one of the only submarine vessels in the Indonesian fleet. All that has been found is an oil slick and some debris.
— NASA reports they have successfully converted CO2 from the atmosphere on Mars into breathable oxygen, achieving at the cost of billions of dollars what a tree can do for free.
— More Israeli airstrikes have been launched, this time into Syria. Initial reports had them targeted against militias firing Iranian-supplied missiles into Israel. No official casualty count has been reported, though massive explosions were observed. Damage from the initial missile salvos into Israel was minor, but some civilian casualties were reported. Later reports suggest that one of the Syrian projectiles was a rogue antiaircraft missile that traversed much of Jordan before crashing near the Israeli military nuclear complex, provoking an overwhelming response.
— The Pakistani Taliban set off a car bomb in front of a tourist hotel in Quetta, Pakistan, killing at least four people and injuring over a dozen. Presumably they have their reasons, but I don’t care enough to find out.
— New unemployment claims have fallen to a one-year record low in the United States, as job growth numbers continue to rise. Granted, this is balanced against the 17.4 million presently collecting long-term unemployment benefits checks. In related news, massive numbers of unemployment fraud cases continue to be prosecuted in Ohio and California, further skewing the data. Meanwhile, fast food chains across the country report a steady lack of applicants as new COVID infection numbers rise.
— Germany has passed a controversial new law restricting personal travel in areas hardest-impacted by new COVID infections, prompting mass demonstrations. This is sufficiently ironic on its own that I don’t feel the need to add anything to it.
— Russian troops are being ordered back home after a massive deployment in and near the contested Crimea on the Ukrainian border, following a massive surge in military alert levels on both sides. Meanwhile, Putin and Biden are competing in calls for reduced emissions in an international climate change conference, while Japan has taken the lead in emissions reduction pledges. On a related note, exports of Japanese rockfish have been banned after radioactive cesium was detected in large quantities in fish caught off Fukushima.
— In celebration of the Burmese New Year, Myanmar’s ruling military junta has ordered the release of 23,000 prisoners, many arrested just recently during the wave of anti-military protests. According to international monitoring agencies, this will reduce their prison rate to just over 150 per 100,000, less than one quarter that of the United States, which continues to protest Myanmar’s authoritarian rule and oppressive policing practices.
— Riots in Northern Ireland have resumed following a brief cooldown during the funeral of Prince Philip. Tensions continue to rise over import/export restrictions related to Brexit, though when asked many protesters were unable to explain exactly what was bothering them about the new laws. Most of the illegal parades and marches are being sponsored by pro-UK Loyalist groups.
— Biafran separatists have successfully freed over 1800 prisoners from incarceration in Nigeria. Their main goal appears to have been the prison armory, which was successfully defended by government forces. Among those freed was a befuddled former prince who has apparently been trying and failing to give away his vast fortune for several years now.
— Iran has unveiled a new battery of uranium enrichment centrifuges useful only for producing weapons-grade material. Shortly thereafter, the block of centrifuges failed; Iranians are blaming Israel for what they claim is an act of sabotage. On an unrelated note, actor Tom Cruise has been spotted ostentatiously filming what studios report will be “Mission Impossible 7” in North Yorkshire. No word yet on whether his alibi will be successfully challenged.
— On the sixty-first anniversary of a recently-declassified attempted assassination by the CIA, Raúl Castro stepped down peacefully from his chairmanship of the Communist Party of Cuba.
— THIS JUST IN: Epstein is still dead. Meanwhile, France has just officially defined sex between an adult and a child younger than 15 as rape following the acquittal of twenty firefighters on charges with an allegedly willing 13-year-old.
— NEW SINCE RELEASE: Russia announces it will leave the International Space Station cooperative and instead launch their own station with blackjack and hookers. Meanwhile, a malaria vaccine has been successfully tested for the first time in history; side effects are minimal.
And that’s all the news that is news and some that isn’t, here in lockdown in mid-April, Year Two of COVID. If you can think of something we missed, please write it in pencil on the back of a $20 bill and send it to us here at The Not Fake News.
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