The Not Fake News Update, 04 June 2021

It’s gotten easier to ignore the news now that Trump’s no longer featured daily. (Except on MSNBC, which has for the 1,346th straight day announced he may be going to prison — but this time they mean it.) Let’s face it: America has gotten sick of depressing things, and now that we’re approaching 50% vaccination, we’re ready to go back out and enjoy the world.

(Well, some of us. Personally, I haven’t been terribly inconvenienced by the lockdown. I like it at home; all my things are here.)

So, if you’ve been tuning out for a couple of weeks, or if your only source of information is major media and your Twitter feed, here’s a few things you might have missed:

– The world’s largest Harry Potter store has opened in Manhattan. Measuring over 20,000 square feet of witches and wizardry, this new destination shop is your best source for butterbeer and quidditch gear north of Disney and this side of the pond.

– A massive container ship hauling nitric acid and oil, among other nasty substances, sank near Sri Lanka, creating a major environmental disaster. Meanwhile, in the Gulf of Oman, Iran’s largest fleet tender caught fire and sank, creating a supply problem for the would-be privateer raiders of the Revolutionary Guard.

– Donald Trump’s Facebook suspension has been extended for an additional two years, as Facebook continues to strive for political neutrality and a complete absence of fake news on its platform. In a related story, UFOs are apparently real, COVID may have escaped from a lab after all, Dr. Fauci is now recommending we wear masks over our eyes so we can’t read his emails, and banning menthol cigarettes makes sense.

– In an ironic reversal, Twitter has now been banned from Nigeria. This follows Twitter’s temporary suspension of Nigeria’s president’s account after a tweet attacking protesters. Apparently, government tyranny trumps corporate tyranny in some parts of the world.

– Israel finally has a new Prime Minister, after two years of near-continual government ministry collapses. The new coalition Prime Minister, Naftali Bennett, is scheduled to be sworn in on June 9th. He’s previously served in several high ministerial offices, most recently Defense. Bennett is, for Israel, considered both Orthodox and moderately progressive. (He accepts, but does not endorse, the invention of fire.) Israel’s new president is Isaac Herzog, who does not believe in fire.

– Medina Spirit, winner of the 2021 Kentucky Derby, has now failed two drug tests and faces disqualification. When asked if he had a drug problem, the horse reportedly responded, “Nay.”

– NASA has announced two upcoming missions to Venus, VERITAS and DAVINCI+. The first is an orbital probe aimed at mapping the planet; the second is designed to parachute into the atmosphere and send back telemetry, sample data, and pictures before the natives condemn it to death by snu-snu.

– Denmark’s public broadcasting service revealed that Danish Intelligence cooperated with the American C.I.A. to spy on various politicians, ambassadors, and European world leaders. All concerned expressed their shock and amazement while continuing to do the same thing.

– Hundreds of black gun owners marched in Tulsa, Oklahoma to commemorate the Tulsa Massacre of 1921. Meanwhile, a new book released over the weekend and endorsed by CNN and several other prominent Democrats declared the Second Amendment to be anti-black.

– Filed under “racial unrest” by Wikipedia despite his being white, truck driver William Jennette’s manual suffocation by jail officers was ruled a homicide, and new video of his death was released. Jennette reportedly became violent while suffering from Delerium Tremens due to alcohol withdrawal.

– The Chicago Tribune, one of the last remaining major independent papers, is being sold to a major publishing conglomerate along with sister papers the Baltimore Sun and the New York Daily Piece Of Shit. The new owner, Alden Global Capital, will become the largest newspaper conglomerate in the United States, after Gannett.

– Over 125,000 school teachers have been suspended for joining the civil disobedience against the Myanmar ruling junta, this just before the start of the new school year. Presumably, forbidding them to teach students is considered some sort of punishment.

– Several protesters were assaulted and at least one killed by Iraqi police. The demonstration was aimed at protesting the targeted killings of journalists and activists by government forces. Iraq is notable for its lack of an armed populace.

– Royal Dutch Shell has been ordered by a court in The Hague to reduce its carbon emissions by 45%. This marks the first mandated enforcement of Paris Accords terms on a major corporation. Shell is appealing the decision; experts say the appeal may well succeed due to the oil company’s “slick legal team”.

– THIS JUST IN: Epstein is still dead. So is Patrice Lumumba, whose remains (one tooth) are finally being restored to his family following his assassination by CIA-supported revolutionaries and subsequent dissolution in a vat of acid.

And that’s all the news that’s fit to print plus some that isn’t, here in lockdown in early June, Year Two of COVID. If you can think of something we missed, please write it in pencil on the back of a $20 bill and send it to us here at The Not Fake News. Better yet, write it on the back of a $100 bill and you’ll receive our full attention.

If you’re feeling rich and found this entertaining or informative, feel free to support us, or buy us a coffee. We can use the morale boost — and the caffeine.

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