The Not Fake News Update, 17 June 2021

It’s gotten easier to ignore the news now that Trump’s no longer featured daily. (Except on MSNBC, which has for the 1,359th straight day announced he may be going to prison — but this time they mean it.) Let’s face it: America has gotten sick of depressing things, and now that we’re over 50% vaccination and ending states of emergency across the country, we’re ready to go back out and enjoy the world.

(Well, some of us. Personally, I haven’t been terribly inconvenienced by the lockdown. I like it at home; all my things are here — unlike all you people.)

So, if you’ve been tuning out for a couple of weeks, or if your only source of information is major media and your Twitter feed, here are a few things you may have missed:

– A bill has been passed overwhelmingly by both houses of Congress making Juneteenth (June 19th) a national holiday. This date marks the anniversary of the June 19, 1865, announcement of General Order No. 3 by Union Army general Gordon Granger, proclaiming freedom from slavery in Texas. Simultaneously, officials at CERN announced a .03% variation in Earth’s axial tilt, which was determined to have resulted from Senator Jesse Helms spinning in his grave.

– The Ethiopian foreign ministry has rejected an Arab League resolution calling for intervention by the United Nations Security Council on the subject of their massive hydroelectric dam project along the Blue Nile. The two nations downstream, Sudan and Egypt, are divided on their opinions; Sudan is in favor, but Egypt has gone so far as to publicly suggest military intervention if the dam is completed. The United States has attempted to use its international prestige to intervene diplomatically, but has thus far been ineffective, perhaps because it has no actual international prestige.

– A car bomb was detonated at a U.S. military base in Colombia by ELN terrorists (supported by Venezuela and Cuba). This marks the end of the self-declared cease fire due to the ongoing Coronavirus pandemic. 36 people were injured, several seriously.

– Taiwan’s air defense network reported the largest incursion of mainland Chinese air forces into Taiwanese airspace in recent history. The flight, which included four strategic bombers, passed just south of Taiwan and circled the Pratas Islands before returning.

– The leaders of the G7 nations met in Cornwall, England, to discuss important events and international cooperation on such issues as a minimum corporate tax rate, opposition to Chinese aggression against Taiwan, censure of Russia for their continued provocations in the Donbass, tracking digital currencies, and whether or not a lobster and barbecue dinner is appropriate in the face of ongoing climate change. (This was actually discussed. They opted to eat the food.) Serious doubts were raised about the survival of German Chancellor Merkel, the only one to appear on the transporter pad wearing red.

– India has joined other progressive nations such as China and Nigeria in censuring, fining, or outright banning social media app Twitter over their refusal to remove offensive content. The video in question shows a violent Hindu mob forcing an elderly Muslim man to chant Hindu religious slogans. India objects because the video is, quote, “misleading”.

– Iranian-supplied and funded Houthi rebels in Yemen reportedly missed the entire country of Saudi Arabia with one of their rocket strikes and instead hit a local gas station, injuring dozens. Houthis have thus far failed to claim responsibility for the attack.

– In Guatemala, Vice President of the United States Kamala Harris announced in a joint press conference several steps the two nations will be taking to alleviate the U.S.-Mexico border crisis. The first step undertaken was her announcement that Guatemalan refugees “should not flee to the United States”. Refugees regularly flee violence in the Guatemala, where the homicide rate of just over 20 per 100,000 rivals even that of Chicago, which passed 29 in 2020. Why they want to come to the United States remains a mystery.

– In west Africa, Assimi Goïta was sworn-in as President of Mali after the recent coup d’état. In this coup, forces loyal to Goïta arrested the former leaders of the 2020 coup, also led by Goïta, for their participation in that coup. Goïta was reportedly “shocked to discover that there was a coup going on” and vowed to investigate himself for his own alleged participation.

– The I.R.S. is investigating how details on the personal tax returns of the 25 wealthiest Americans might have been leaked to nonprofit investigative journalist outlet Pro Publica, where a long-term analysis of their exploitation of the tax system was published. Unsurprisingly, they paid little to nothing. In response, the I.R.S. has vowed to track down and punish those responsible for the leak.

– Secure communications service ΛNØM was revealed to actually be a clandestine project run in tandem by the F.B.I. and Australian Federal Police. According to hundreds of warrants issued recently, the ostensibly secure cell phones sold by the company have actually been copying messages, phone calls, pictures, and other information to law enforcement all along. Thousands of arrests and billions of dollars of asset seizures are expected to follow the conclusion of this program. As a result, the street prices of cocaine and heroin have risen nearly three percent in the wake of the arrests.

– THIS JUST IN: Epstein is still dead. So is Donald Trump’s political future.

And that’s all the news that’s fit to print plus some that isn’t, here in lockdown in mid-June, Year Two of COVID. If you can think of something we missed, please write it in pencil on the back of a $20 bill and send it to us here at The Not Fake News. Better yet, write it on the back of a $100 bill and you’ll be sure to receive our full attention.

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