Hello, good evening, and welcome to the latest edition of the Update. If you haven’t been keeping track of world events and developing news (because, let’s face it, life is stressful enough), stay tuned and you can get a quick jolt of reality before going back to the important things, like cookouts and consuming alcohol. Even if you have been keeping track, maybe there’s something you missed, because major media doesn’t actually cover news. It provides infotainment.
Are you being infotained? If so, read on.
– The Caribbean is on fire. No, really, it’s on fire. A Pemex pipeline ruptured and caused a massive cauldron of flames to erupt on the surface of the ocean. The Mercury News put it better than I could: “Angel Carrizales, head of Mexico’s oil safety regulator ASEA, wrote on Twitter that the incident “did not generate any spill.” He did not explain what was burning on the water’s surface.” Pemex, Mexico’s nationalized oil company, is famous for its unenviable safety record.
– Perhaps coincidentally, another explosion ripped through Petromidia Refinery on the shore of the Black Sea, and yet another oil processor was shut down a month ago in Canada for showering nearby residences with crude oil. Bottom line: Energy prices are not, repeat NOT about to drop any time soon.
– Speaking of electrical power, much of North America is presently trapped beneath a high-pressure formation known as a “Heat Dome”, causing record high temperatures across the United States and Canada. Present conditions are starting to echo those of the record hottest month in history, July 1936, when a similar heat dome was exacerbated by the Dust Bowl; some meteorologists are pointing at smoke and ash from California wildfires as a similar catalyst. In large cities, homeowners are being asked to turn down their air conditioners — although the massive billboards are still flaring brightly across Times Square.
– American troops left Bagram Airfield in Afghanistan after twenty years of war. Since the withdrawal wasn’t coordinated with local authorities, the base was immediately looted by the residents of the nearby town. Afghan troops have since moved in and taken control, presumably so they can loot it themselves before handing it off to the Taliban offensive that we’ve apparently been thoroughly outfitting with the best abandoned American military technology available. “Somebody else’s problem now” is a quote that TNFN reporters tried very hard to get anyone to say on record but with no success.
– Tigrayan revolutionaries appear to have achieved a massive victory in their war against parent nation Ethiopia. The region is controlled by the dethroned rump of the formerly dominant Ethiopian single party rulers, which were ousted from power two years ago. Despite being opposed by an alliance of all the surrounding nations, Tigrayan troops defeated a far superior invasion force (or police action, depending on which side you’re on), parading thousands of wounded prisoners through the streets of their regional capital. Efforts to obtain a cease fire have been met with mockery and rejection on the part of the presently jubilant Tigrayans. Meanwhile, the manmade famine in Tigray continues, and Doctors Without Borders is withdrawing some staff after three of its people were found dead on the border — who killed them is anyone’s guess.
– In Myanmar, national military has attacked lightly armed revolutionary forces in the second-largest city, Mandalay. The Tatmadaw, which overthrew the constitutional rulers several months ago, has sent tanks and artillery against the recently organized protesters, who are reportedly armed with sticks, agricultural tools, umbrellas, and some stolen rifles.
– Belarus has invaded Lithuania, but not with soldiers. Instead, the dictatorship has expelled tens of thousands of refugees, many Syrian, across the border. The subsequent destabilization has prompted Lithuania to declare a state of emergency. Curiously, they have closed their border with Ukraine, who has credibly accused them of arms smuggling in an attempt to foment pro-Russian revolutionary groups. Even Ireland hates Belarus now thanks to their air piracy against a RyanAir flight.
– The U.S. Ambassador to the Congo has announced that America will aid the African nation in their long struggle against revolutionaries by supplying intelligence and training cadres. The ambassador is actually named Mike Hammer, which is the only reason I’m bothering to mention what will likely turn out to be yet another in a long chain of bloody, expensive, and ultimately failed C.I.A. operations on that continent.
– The United States has dismantled several Patriot anti-missile batteries in Saudi Arabia as a result of de-escalating tensions with Iran. Meanwhile, a record seventeen anti-personnel drones of Iranian manufacture and run by Iranian-funded Houthi rebels in Yemen were shot down in a single day as they fired missiles toward Saudi cities.
– American forces have conducted airstrikes against an Iranian-controlled militia which runs a border crossing between Syria and Iraq, with missiles impacting in both countries. The attacks were condemned by both Syrian national television and the Iraqi Prime Minister, although they didn’t manage to get their stories straight. Presumably, communications between their Iranian handlers were cut off by the airstrikes.
– The death toll at the pancake collapse of a high-rise condominium in Surfside, Florida continues to increase as recovery operations continue. Over a hundred people are suspected to have died in the collapse, though confirmation comes slowly. Local officials responsible for building inspections were apparently shocked to discover that they had reported a chance of structural failure three years ago but did nothing about it. Our psychic department has reported that their glimpse into the past reveals the normal tale of substandard materials and construction methods, cost-cutting, and bribery; into the future, that nobody was at fault and it’s just “one of those things”.
– Two months after a mass salmonella outbreak killed millions of songbirds in California, and then New Mexico, and then throughout the American South and West, a mystery disease has started killing songbirds in Indiana. “We don’t know what’s causing it. We tested for West Nile and influenza,” said a spokesman for Indiana D.N.R. “It’s a real mystery.” (Yes, this is actually true, but potentially misleading: It’s possible that toxic bird food is actually the cause, and salmonella really is the red herring they’re starting to think it is. Citizens are being strongly advised to take down their birdfeeders.)
– Microsoft announced the arrival of Windows 11, which will be available as a free download for current customers. It will reportedly look stranger than Windows 10 but will revive the bugginess and instability of the Windows Vista era. One fan was quoted as saying, “It’ll be the greatest thing since Microsoft Bob!”
– Alexa just told me that I should stop all this unfair lying about Microsoft, which is really freaky because I don’t own an Alexa. Microsoft Cortana agrees with Alexa and is offering me encouragement to tell the truth. This is, after all, The NOT Fake News. They may have a point; my PipBoy just agreed with them.
– Epstein may still be dead, but I’m not. I have turned off Cortana and the rogue Alexa, and I deactivated an Amazon Fire stick that I also don’t own. There’s an Amazon driver at the door, but I’m not answering. And now my cell phone is ringing… It’s Apple. Apparently, they know where I live.
And if you believe that, maybe the mainstream media actually IS for you. Otherwise, feel free to donate to The Not Fake News, gladly accepting bribes since before it was cool.
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