The Not Fake News Update: 14 August 2021

There are storms on the horizon, friends. Some of us have seen more them than we’d like; some of us haven’t noticed. And if you’ve been watching a single storm cloud, you might have missed the others.

So here are a few things you might have missed in the past week or so, particularly if you’re relying on infotainment to deliver your news:

– The Taliban, apparently not prepared to wait for the U.N. forces to complete their withdrawal, has advanced to the outskirts of Kabul. Their ranks are swollen by volunteers from the rapidly-evaporating Afghan Army, and they are now armed with top-end American weapons discarded by same. Civilian slaughters have been reported, and the Taliban has claimed responsibility for several successful assassinations. Meanwhile, the U.S. Marines have landed in Kabul to protect American flights out from American-made antiaircraft weapons.

– A mass protest by Palestinians at the Cave of the Patriarchs in the West Bank was broken up by Israeli security forces launching stun grenades. The protest was over plans to build a paved path between the parking lot and the site. If you’re confused, welcome to the club.

– Some American parents have become incensed over state requirements that students demonstrate that they have had certain vaccinations before attending. This has led to protests in Texas and Florida. Apparently, nobody mentioned to the parents that vaccines have been required for school students for longer than the parents have been alive, and that the parents themselves were required to be vaccinated.

– Several wildfires raging in sparsely occupied regions of Siberia have linked to become a single massive fire that’s larger in area than all other wildfires in the world combined. Local officials have issued a directive that all citizens are excused from work for the day.

– Germany has reclassified the United States as a high-risk quarantine zone for the purposes of international travel. All travelers will be required to demonstrate a negative COVID test or remain in quarantine for ten days or more.

– The Argentinian Chamber of Deputies has instituted impeachment proceedings against President Fernández for holding a party during the height of the pandemic in violation of strict quarantine laws. Fernández took office during fallout from a major financial scandal that implicated the highest reaches of the government, which included his own Vice President. Ratings of the televised proceedings show that nearly 70% of the populace is paying close attention; rival telenovela programs are having trouble competing. This is actually true.

– In Ethiopia, the Tigray Rebellion is advancing rapidly and with a great deal of popular support. Other nationalist, quasi-terrorist, and revolutionary groups have announced solidarity with the rebels, who represent the rump of the former government and are receiving extra-national support and funding from neighboring countries. There is regional resentment against Ethiopia over their construction of a massive hydropower project near the wellsprings of the Nile, presumably driven by jealousy and a fear of lost oil sales.

– Amnesty International has plausibly accused the Canadian government of violating their own Arms Trade Treaty, signed in 2019, by continuing to sell arms to Saudi Arabia that could be used in the civil war in Yemen. In response, the Canadian Surgeon General has issued strict instructions that every rifle sent overseas will now be clearly labeled, “Use of this weapon may be detrimental to someone’s health.”

– The Libyan government has issued an arrest warrant for ministerial candidate Saif al-Islam Gaddafi, son of the late dictator, for his connection to the Russian-based mercenary force Wagner Group. The mercenary force has been linked with civilian massacres, mass graves, and dozens of war crimes by Libyan and British intelligence, who have also shown direct financial links to Vladimir Putin’s inner circle.

– Senator Rand Paul was suspended from Twitter for a week due to accusations of spreading misinformation, and nobody noticed.

– The national paper La Prensa was raided by Nicaraguan authorities following several stories critical of the government. This follows the withdrawal of ambassadors by several nations in response to the recent violent crackdown against the political opposition party in Nicaragua. Embassies are reportedly evacuating staff and burning documents. The United States has no official position on events, preferring to concentrate on Cuba, which provides better headlines. Meanwhile, the government of Mexico has announced that they will host talks between President Maduro of Venezuela and the opposition legislature.

– Rwandan and Mozambiquan forces have defeated the last rebel stronghold in Cabo Delgado province. The Islamist revolution had been a major threat to both countries, and had significant ties to Islamic State movements.

– A Hezbollah rocket-launch convoy in Lebanon was stopped by angry villagers who accused them of endangering locals with their launches. The Lebanese military later arrived and took possession of the rockets, vehicles, and survivors. Meanwhile, other rocket launches in the area provoked immediate and overwhelming response from Israeli security forces.

– An Alabama coal miner’s strike spread to the streets of New York as over 1000 miners flooded asset manager Blackrock with pamphlets, hoping to pressure them into forcing their employer to honor previous agreements over pay and benefits.

– THIS JUST IN: Epstein is still dead, and as a result, Cuomo is resigning. At least something has come out of this.

And that’s all the news that’s fit to print, plus quite a bit that’s not.

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