Ever feel like the evening news is stuck on Repeat, and it just keeps endlessly feeding us the same disaster list over and over again?
Unfortunately, it’s not your television. It’s the world that’s stuck, or is it The Matrix?
Excuse me a moment. There are three gentlemen in suits and shades that want to discuss someone named “Mr. Anderson” with me. While I’m doing that, here’s a list of a few things that happened recently that you might have missed while doomscrolling:
– The Taliban has just raided an Islamic State site, reportedly killing several militants. Whether or not it was in reprisal, the IS has just claimed responsibility for a murder and beheading of a Taliban officer. This follows an earlier set of mutual attacks which follows yet another. In unrelated news, the entire U.S. military just ordered popcorn.
– Turkey has become the most recent signatory to the Paris Accords, an outdated, ineffective, and relatively toothless agreement by which nations around the world commit to reducing carbon dioxide emissions from the burning of fossil fuels unless they trade carbon offsets through a mechanism that’s still being debated after several years in force. After the United States re-entered, only Yemen, Iran, Eritrea, Libya, and Iraq are not signatories. (Apparently, Greenland doesn’t count due to not being a country, which is odd considering their oil stocks.)
– Because I know you’re still wondering, Eritrea is over by Djibouti.
– The Texas “heartbeat ban” on abortion has, as expected, been blocked from enforcement by injunction in a case brought by the Biden Administration.
– Microsoft just launched Windows 11. At the same time, Facebook went down for a whole day, massive oil leaks have been reported in Texas and California, and a major earthquake struck Balochistan. Microsoft has refused to comment on any relationship between these events.
– The world’s longest undersea electrical power trunk line, interconnecting the grids in parts of the U.K. with Norway, has just been completed. The North Sea Link will permit the U.K. to swap its wind farm production for Norway’s hydropower, neatly sidestepping provisions of the Paris Accords without actually cheating on them.
– The Venezuelan currency, the Bolivar, has just been devalued. The recent hyperinflation has been addressed by the government by way of the simple expedient of removing six zeroes from all new currency. This is the second such devaluation in the past few years, leading to an absurd situation where literal truckloads of the old bills would need to be exchanged for a roll of toilet paper. Most citizens have learned to cut out the middleman, and are instead using U.S. dollars in stores. Very few of the new Bolivar bills are in circulation, which doesn’t much matter since most businesses refuse to accept them. The current rate of exchange is one new-new-new Bolivar for twenty-four U.S. cents; by the time you’ve read this, it’s expected to be worth only twenty-three U.S. cents.
– YouTube has announced a policy under which it intends to unilaterally ban all sources of COVID-19 vaccine misinformation. The first to protest was Russia, whose state-run propaganda arms were instantly banned for trying to kill Americans. Curiously, many Americans are also upset by this, presumably on the evidently shaky grounds that Russia only hates Democrats.
– In the face of an approaching crisis, a compromise has been worked out in the U.S. Senate to raise the nation’s debt limit through early December. The government of the United States is presently spending $7 trillion per year yet collecting only $4 trillion in taxes; Democrats blame Republicans for cutting taxes, while Republicans blame Democrats for raising spending, both of which are true. This will likely clear the way for the passage of a trillion-dollar infrastructure bill. Meanwhile, rumors of double-digit inflation of the dollar are being fervently denied by the Biden Administration, which has dropped to a 40% approval rating in recent polls — still higher than the top numbers experienced by the previous administration.
– THIS JUST IN: Epstein’s corpse has evidently vanished, as nobody has reported seeing it for over two years now. This is entirely unsurprising, since corpses generally get buried or burned or something, and Epstein’s were apparently snuck into an unmarked grave in Florida in August of 2019. Still, the fact that nobody’s seen him lately is expected to spawn another wave of conspiracy theories any time now — and there’s no way to prove them wrong.
And that’s all the news that’s fit to print, plus some that’s not which we added just for fun. If you can’t tell the difference, you really shouldn’t be trusted with CNN, much less MSNBC or Fox ‘News’. And that red pill? Just colored water; sorry, Charlie. Resistance is futile.
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