The Not Fake News Update, 25 November 2021

Happy Thanksgiving! If the return of the Macy’s parade doesn’t interest you, and if you’ve lost track of what’s been happening in the world — the real news, that is, rather than who’s been found guilty and who hasn’t in the new sport of Televised Trial Infotainment — feel free to read on.

And if you’re not interested in what’s happening in the world around you, what are you doing here?

– Eva Madgalena Andersson was elected as Sweden’s first female Prime Minister. However, she was forced to resign a few hours later, and before taking office, when her coalition collapsed after it behaved like a coalition. They plan to attempt to form a new government over the next few days.

– NASA has launched a mission designed to redirect asteroids. In ten months, it should impact the lesser of a two-asteroid system in an effort to change the orbit of both with a single carom shot off the far bumper. It’s presumed that they targeted a dual asteroid system largely in order to use the acronym DART.

– Abdalla Hamdok has been reinstated as Prime Minister of Sudan following an agreement with the ruling military coalition, which has held power since their coup last month. Elections are still expected to occur in July of 2023, just after the constitutional convention ends and just before the next coup.

– Pirates in the Gulf of Guinea attempted to attack a destroyer of the Royal Dutch Navy, just off the coast of Nigeria. Four were killed, four more imprisoned. As a result, the average intelligence of oceangoing pirates has just increased by a small fraction.

– Nobel Peace Prize laureate and Prime Minister of Ethiopia Abiy Ahmed has handed off his day to day duties to his deputy in order to take personal command of the front in the ongoing Tigray War. Rebel forces are led by the rump of the defeated former government, and funded by neighboring nations who oppose the massive power dam that Ethiopia plans to install along the headwaters of the Nile.

– In response to a massive military build-up on the Russia-Ukraine border, the Ukrainian military has mobilized and is conducting operations along the border with Belarus. The UK Foreign Minister has warned of “grave consequences” if Russia should invade.

– In the U.K., massive natural gas supplier Bulb Energy has reportedly collapsed, becoming the largest such company ever to have done so. Its million-plus customers won’t be left without heat, however, as the government has taken over administration during the crisis.

– The continued encroachments by the Klaus Regime on Hallowe’en are reportedly being slowed by supply chain difficulties resulting from the general increased commercialization of American society. A spokesman from the North Pole has announced that this is yet another victory in a long line; Hallowe’en, meanwhile, opines that this was a stride forward for the cause of Dystopia.

– Ongoing flooding in the Pacific Northwest has caused the declaration of a State of Emergency in the vicinity of Vancouver, with rationing and strict measures against price gouging and black marketeering being employed. Exceptional high tides combined with torrential downpours in the normally soggy region to make it soggier than usual.

– Vice President Kamala Harris made history, becoming the first woman to officially exercise presidential power in the United States, when President Joe Biden underwent anesthesia as part of a routine medical procedure. The first woman to unofficially exercise presidential power was Mary Lincoln, who fought several spiteful wars against society rivals using the Office of the Presidency to oppress women she suspected of flirting with her husband. This is actually true.

– After several vials labeled “Smallpox” were discovered in a freezer in Pennsylvania, the lab containing the freezer was placed under temporary lockdown by the CDC. The threat was quickly eliminated, but not before a convoy of protesters left Texas in an effort to oppose government overreach. A spokesman for the protesters declared her faith in God and her immune system, and demanded the right to hold “Smallpox Parties” in order to intentionally expose her family.

– If you believe that, you’ll be shocked by the most recent bulletin: THIS JUST IN: Jeffrey Epstein reportedly showed no signs of suicidal behavior before his suicide, according to investigators. While normal procedures were not followed, more information continues to surface supporting the contention that nobody but him is at fault for his demise.

– Oh, and something about trials and protests. I’m not really sure what, since whatever it is, our criminal justice system continues to punish the stupid and take it easy on the wealthy, and therefore the results don’t really count as newsworthy.

And that’s all the news that’s worth reporting, plus some that isn’t. If it pisses you off, that’s because it’s something nobody else is telling you, and that sort of thing is valuable. How valuable is up to you. We offer two options: You can send cash to PayPal in order to help support us, or you can buy us a coffee. We can use the morale boost — and the caffeine, particularly now that post-COVID fatigue has set in.

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