If it’s December 2021 in The Not Fake News, what time is it in New York? My watch stopped.

And if you too have lost track of what’s going on in the real world during this surreal time, read on for details!

– Egyptian blogger and activist Alaa Abd El-Fattah has been sentenced to five years in prison for spreading fake news, a crime he is manifestly not guilty of. This marks the fourth time he has been imprisoned for speaking out against the crimes of his government. In other news, the rule of the present Egyptian government is idyllic and peaceful, and there’s actually no such thing as a “pyramid”.

– One of the largest protests in Sudanese history was ended by tear gas. People assembled to protest the October coup d’etat.

– A court in Hanoi has sentenced two Facebook users and a journalist to lengthy prison sentences for propaganda crimes against the State. The journalist, Pham Doan Trang, who published material on human rights and alleged police brutality in Vietnam, was sentenced to nine years. The Facebook posters both were expressing outrage over police brutality in a land dispute last year that left four dead.

– At the Golden Temple in Punjab, India, a man apparently attempting to desecrate Sikhism’s holy book, the Guru Granth Sahib, was beaten to death by the crowd of worshipers then present. This was the third desecration event in three succeeding days, with two of the perpetrators dead on the spot. The governments in Hanoi and Egypt have both expressed outrage at the violence.

– West Virginia Senator “Coal Joe” Manchin has announced his opposition to President Biden’s sweeping multi-trillion-dollar spending bill. In a recent statement he lashed out at hardline tactics against him by those he said “just beat the living crap out of people and think they’ll be submissive.” The White House later released an account of a cordial telephone call between him and the President later that day. Meanwhile, the Clinton Foundation withdrew their earlier message expressing condolences for Senator Manchin’s suicide with the one-word explanation, “Oops.”

– Twelve missionaries escaped captivity by kidnappers in Haiti, walking several miles to freedom. They had been imprisoned for over a month, and their captors had demanded a million dollars for the safe release of each of them.

– Saudi Arabia has renewed its counteroffensive against Houthi-held Yemen territory, culminating in a massive bombardment of Sanaa Airport. Shortly before, Iran’s top diplomat to Yemen had suddenly been recalled over his inability to resolve growing strains between his government and the Houthi rebels they are supplying with missiles to attack Saudi Arabia with. He was reported to have died of Coronavirus immediately upon his return to Iran; no word yet on a replacement. Houthi missile stocks remain in the thousands, however, so no unexpected slowdown in the proxy war is expected.

– President Joe Biden is expected to address the nation later today with respect to the rise of the Omicron variant of COVID-19. No lockdowns are expected, but among the measures to be taken will be the distribution of half a billion free home COVID tests in January, the use of the Defense Authorization Act to produce more, and the deployment of thousands of military personnel to bolster overwhelmed hospitals in hard-hit areas. NOTE: No joke was available for this post at press time.

– THIS JUST IN: Russia still has not invaded Ukraine. NATO has expressed startlement at this unexpected turn of events. More on this late-breaking story as developments continue.

– BREAKING NEWS: Epstein is still dead, and associate Ghislaine Maxwell is still facing judgment on an extensive list of charges related to Epstein’s alleged activities. The jury is expected to continue deliberations for several days, and several personal injury lawyers confidently anticipate becoming enormously wealthy after they convict her.

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If what you just read pisses you off, that’s not because it’s wrong. People are wrong every day and it doesn’t get to you. If you’re upset by this article, it’s because deep down you’re afraid it’s true.

No, The Not Fake News did not “get the memo” to “fall in line or else”; we’d find it hard to believe that anything else would be, financially, worse than this. We’re not shills of the public narrative; we don’t take marching orders from major media. We’re independent, and because we don’t get payoffs or even ad money, we’re poor but reliable.

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