A great sportsball event took place yesterday, as one team outsportsballed another team and gained a sportsball victory in the annual sportsball game. The ads were said to be spectacular, as always.
In other news…
– ON THIS DATE in the year 269 A.D., a murdered priest named Valentine was buried on the Via Flaminia in Rome. Nothing else is known about his life, though two other Valentines are said to share his feast day, which has since been relegated to local and national calendars and/or moved to other dates. As a result of their deaths, Hallmark has made rather a lot of money. More fiscally prudent celebrants are preparing for what they call the “real holiday”, the 15th, when all the chocolate goes on sale at CVS for a quarter of the price.
– Spontaneous government-organized protests against an anti-torture movement broke out in Grozny, as an estimated 140% of the locals rallied in the streets. The Chechen population of Grozny was first decimated by Stalin, who liquidated them in their entirety, and then later during the First and Second Chechen Wars, when Grozny became “the most dynamited city on Earth” and a Russian flag was raised over the rubble, marking the end of the Republic of Chechnya. Presently, the secret police outnumber the surviving population by a factor of three to one, and five out of every four agents are also on the payroll of organized crime. The government-sponsored rally reportedly broke COVID laws but could not be prevented because Rospotrebenadzor officials “could not locate the organizers”.
– The latest casualty in the American War On Drugs is guacamole. The dish has been declared legally dead as a result of sanctions against avocado imports from Mexico, levied in response to threats of violence against American agriculture inspectors by one of the warring cartels fighting for control of the lucrative industry in the Michoacan region. This is actually true. Curiously, the avocado is not considered addictive, and reports of a spike in suicide rates among wealthy American millennials has been determined to be entirely unrelated. “They’re just depressed again, as usual,” according to an unnamed spokesman from a nonexistent government agency, commenting on condition of anonymity.
– Billionaire Dan Snyder, famous for leveraging one business failure into another until creating a vast advertising empire based on… well, we’re not exactly sure, but it spins well… has changed the name of the sportsball team he no longer controls to the Washington Commanders. Snyder, also known for clearcutting Federal land without permission and successfully destroying the career of a park ranger who tried to investigate the incident, ‘voluntarily’ turned over business operations of the then-Redskins to his wife after paying a $10-million fine to the NFL over a massive sexual harassment scandal within the organization. Organized critics of Snyder, accused by major media outlets of anti-Semitism, reportedly responded, “He’s Jewish?”
– Iceland has announced that it will cease whaling in 2024. This move is not due to the vast amounts of pressure from international animal rights organizations and the censure of several world governments, which left the populace completely unmoved, but instead the declining price of whale meat. The United States, one of the principal objectors to whaling, presently supports its own whaling fishery with an annual take of as many as 600.
– In case you missed us burning him in effigy yesterday — a first for The Not Fake News: A Wisconsin D.A. held a press conference announcing felony charges to be brought against five more people who registered as voters claiming residence in Fond du Lac County, at least three of whom appear to have been technically homeless at the time. Their crime, allegedly, was using a post office box instead of a physical address on their voter registration forms. D.A. Eric “Tone-Deaf” Toney explained the proper procedure for the homeless is to claim to reside at “the park bench at 1st and Main”. This paragraph is 100% true; the effigy was 100% virtual.
– Law enforcement has removed trucks blocking the Ambassador Bridge, an international crossing between Canada and the United States. Truckers were apparently protesting COVID vaccine mandates for people who cross the border. Local mob boss “Junior” Maroun, who inherited the bridge from his father in 2020, is definitely not involved in any coincidental disappearances, forced vaccinations, or interment in concrete of any truckers who got in the way of profits. “We don’t do business that way any more,” he absolutely didn’t say.
– Israel and Syria have fired missiles at each other in retaliation for a series of airstrikes, which in turn were retaliation for something-or-other. Spokesmen for multi-billion-dollar corporations IAI and IAIO, missile manufacturers based in Israel and Iran respectively, bemoaned the violence while each separately posting record profits, taking turns bitterly denouncing each other at their shared board meeting at the Teaneck Hilton on Wednesday.
– In response to being forbidden from attending the Winter Olympics, North Korea has refused to send athletes to the Winter Olympics, blaming the United States. Their suspension was due to their violation of the Olympic Charter in 2020, when they refused to send any athletes to the Summer Olympics. Meanwhile, Russia, having been previously banned from all international competition for cheating on their doping tests, has been once again caught doping their athletes, one of whom finished a 10k two hours after being found dead of a drug overdose in her hotel room. Russia has filed an appeal against what they consider unjust treatment despite a decision to permit them to continue to compete. No word yet on whether they intend to continue their decades-long ritual of conquering a neighboring country in celebration of the traditional “Olympic Truce”.
– Several people have been killed in border clashes or jihadist insurrections in Mali, Turkey-Syria, Pakistan-Afghanistan, Iraq, Burkina Faso, and so on, and so on. This isn’t actually newsworthy since it happens every day, but we figured we’d mention it anyway.
– THIS JUST IN from the Ukraine: There is still no war. In response to escalating tensions between Ukraine and Russia, American troops which had been deployed to Ukraine in response to escalating tensions have been withdrawn from Ukraine. Meanwhile, Russian military exercises have created a virtual blockade of the Sea of Azov, and on land are engaging in some of the biggest maneuvers since World War Two. Stinger missile sales are increasing, as the first deliveries arrive in Kiev. On an entirely unrelated note, Finland has agreed to purchase $10 billion in advanced weapons from the United States.
– BREAKING NEWS: Epstein is still dead, and none of his rich friends have been arrested. Startlingly, accomplice Ghislaine Maxwell is still alive. From Madrid, Generalissimo Francisco Franco, who is also still dead, had no response to the news. Further updates are expected as developments continue in this ongoing case.
And that’s all the news that is news plus some we made up to fill space in our heroic and ongoing struggle against ennui. That bit about the Teaneck Hilton was complete fiction. We think you should donate money to applaud our efforts; also, we’re too old to get a real job.
PS: The Not Fake News is still on temporary hiatus while the editor works on some long-overdue projects that actually might make some money for a change. Any articles you happen to think you’re reading are therefore entirely imaginary, and deserve extra donations as a result.