Ukraine. Russia Ukraine Russia Ukraine. Kyiv drone strike missile bombardment artillery tank tractor high gas prices oil Europe MiG-29 Poland war crimes Russia Ukraine Zelensky.
And now that we’ve summarized all the other headline news out there, let’s talk about some things nobody’s bothering to mention. I’m not sure why, but it’s possible they just might be newsworthy.
– The Freedom Convoy circling Washington, DC has vanished from major media following a rain cancellation on Day 4. The last update on their Facebook feed was from March 8, when leaders were scheduled to meet with Senators Ron Johnson and Ted Cruz; the Senators spend most of the day in high-level briefings about some war or other, however, so we have no idea how the Convoy meeting may have turned out. There are still reports of lost truckers turning up all over the place as the legendarily innavigable Beltway continues to claim victims.
– On a related note, Republican members of Congress have had their case thrown out of court. They had been suing House leadership over mask mandates and the subsequent fines levied against them for noncompliance within the House chamber. According to Judge Walton, there is no first amendment right to not wear a mask, and that Republican allegations about fines impacting their salaries were “vague”. Representative Marjorie Taylor Green responded to this with the following statement: “Mrf frfffn fraff, fr frif faff fr fraffin fiff!” She was not, repeat not, wearing a mask at that time.
– Burkina Faso has announced the restoration of democracy and a three-year transition program leading to new elections following a successful coup in late January. The former president was detained by members of the armed forces, ostensibly over his failure to end the deepening ISIL insurgency. Approximately one hundred soldiers took part in the coup; the average salary equates to around $2000 per year, making this one of the least expensive coups d’etat in recent history.
– Everything else in the world has gotten more expensive, however. Inflation in the United States has risen a record 7.9% in the past year, up almost half a percent since the same time last month, and is expected to continue to accelerate going forward. Rents are up 20% across the board, and house prices by 25%. Wages, on the other hand, continue almost unchanged, and the federal minimum remains at $7.25 per hour for the fifteenth straight year.
– Nickel prices have reached an all-time high due to speculative trading, which has made the bulk melt value of a US nickel equal to nine cents. The U.S. Mint has long been experimenting with alternative metal compositions for American coins and currency, but staff reportedly threw up their collective hands and went home after the last toilet paper shortage, when the $1 bill was employed as a common substitute. Black market efforts to import paper ruble notes are currently officially frowned upon.
– Hungary has elected its first female president, ironically enough a member of a staunchly regressive conservative party, Fidesz. President-elect Katalin Novák, formerly the Minister for Family Affairs, is a staunch ally of current Prime Minister Orban, who is about to seek his fourth term. The job is a thankless one with a low salary, but is said to come with a free house during the entirety of the term.
– Voice actor John DiMaggio has agreed to rejoin the rest of the original cast of the cult T.V. show “Futurama” in yet another revival, this time undertaken by the Hulu network. This reversal follows a salary dispute DiMaggio engaged in, according to him, on behalf of the entire cast. The news was announced by the actor on Twitter, saying “Bender’s back, baby!”
– The wreck of Ernest Shackleton’s ship “Endurance”, which was crushed by pack ice and sank in 1915, has been located on the seabed off the coast of Antarctica. The vessel is reportedly in excellent condition, and expedition member “Red” Green suggested that she might well float again if they were to “slap some duct tape on her and give her a lick of paint”. “I’ve lived in worse,” he opined. No official plans exist to disturb the wreck aside from taking a few pictures.
– Amazon, which just announced a 20-for-1 split of its stock, is being investigated by the Justice Department over plausible allegations of monopoly law violations and obstruction of Congress. Legislators referred the tech giant’s case to the office of the Attorney General after hearing voluminous testimony from independent witnesses that contradicted the official story of corporate spokesmen during hearings before the Judiciary Committee. Amazon spokesmen denied the allegations while rushing to catch a sudden flight to Rio.
– In sportsball news, the owners and players of Major League Sportsball have reached an agreement in time to permit a complete sportsball season this year. Spring training begins tomorrow and the sportsball season opens in a month.
– The nation of Colombia is being designated a Major Non-NATO Ally of the United States. This move comes the day after the Senate Foreign Relations Committee peppered Undersecretary Nuland with questions and objections over diplomatic moves made toward Venezuela, with which Colombia has been fighting border skirmishes with for several years. MNNA status permits the designated nation to join the Punch Card Club, which offers one free depleted uranium anti-tank round for every five purchases.
– Mount Merapi in Indonesia has erupted — again. This follows several months of earthquakes, aftershocks, tsunamis, evacuations, and other eruptions in the vicinity. Further eruptions, earthquakes, aftershocks, tsunamis, and evacuations are expected through the foreseeable future.
– Facebook has announced it will permit death threats against Vladimir Putin and Viktor Lukashenko in the wake of the invasion of Ukraine. This move comes just after The Not Fake News received yet another soft-block due to their commentary on so-called “politics and social issues”. A spokesman for The Not Fake News, speaking on condition of anonymity, said that “Facebook can bite my shiny metal @$$.”
– THIS JUST IN: Epstein is still dead. Equally surprisingly, Vladimir Putin is still alive. Speculation is rife as to whether Viktor Lukashenko is actually just a complex muppet; the Jim Henson Creature Workshop continues to deny having produced him. More on these breaking revelations as the story develops.
And that’s all the news that’s fit to print, plus some that isn’t, brought to you from our new office space in an oversized Amazon carton located under the I-270 overpass. From all of us here at The Not Fake News, we’d like to thank you for your continued support, especially the folks at Panera who still haven’t changed their Wi-Fi password.
NOTE: Featured image is a promotional photo of Chiara, a Russian separatist Labrador retriever from Ukraine. This is the only Ukrainian bio Lab that has yet been found, but we’re still looking. Credit on the photo has been withheld due to sanctions.