The Not Fake News Update, 28 March 2022

The Ukraine War is all over the headlines, and rightly. It’s going to be a defining moment for this generation and the next, just like COVID was but apparently still isn’t despite disconcertingly high hospitalization numbers.

Having said that, there are other things happening all over the world; it hasn’t stopped spinning just because Russia invaded yet another neighbor and there’s a plague on. Let’s take a look, shall we?

– India accidentally fired a surface-to-surface (read: nuclear) missile into Pakistan, launching it during routine maintenance. The vehicle traveled at Mach 3 along its preset course until it stopped, fortunately injuring nobody. The rest of the world, which until then was terrified that nuclear war might break out anywhere else but there, breathed a sudden collective sigh of relief before going back to their regularly scheduled wrangling.

– The government of Belarus has detained Wikipedia editor Mark Bernstein over the content of his corrections to Wiki articles on the war in Ukraine. This followed the revelation of his personal details, including his home address, on a Russian government-controlled Telegram account. His arrest, expected to last fifteen days, has continued past that point with no announcement or public trial. On an unrelated note, the writer of this article has opted to never ever travel to Russia or its puppet states.

– Iran has fired ballistic missiles into Iraq, striking the U.S. Consulate complex in Erbil, and severely damaging the nearby Kurdish television station. One civilian was injured. Iran’s Revolutionary Guard took responsibility, claiming it was targeting Mossad headquarters in the area. Mossad, characteristically, said nothing; however, the lack of sudden disappearances among Iranian high command indicates that they weren’t severely discommoded.

– In related news, representatives of the European Union have traveled to Iran in an attempt to salvage the ongoing talks to engage that nation in a new agreement to cease development of nuclear weapons and further enrichment of weapons-grade uranium. In response, the Revolutionary Guard, which reports to the Supreme Leader alone, announced the formation of its new Nuclear Command Corps.

– An actor apparently assaulted a comedian for, perhaps, going too far in his humor live at the Oscars. To paraphrase an obscure fictional character: America’s time of not taking the Oscars seriously is swiftly coming to a middle.

– Officials of the interim government of Chad met with representatives of 44 different rebel groups in Qatar to attempt to come to a peaceful resolution of the near-continuous series of attempted coups d’etat that presently plagues the embattled nation. The present junta’s current leader, son of the former kleptocrat-in-chief-for-life, is said to be guardedly optimistic about the negotiations, denying allegations that the air tickets provided to rebel leaders were all one-way.

– The longest suspension bridge in the world, crossing the Dardanelles in Turkey, has opened for traffic. This monumental achievement makes possible, at enormous expense and from an unparalleled national effort, the journey from one underpopulated part of Turkey to another at the price of a moderate toll. The next national project has already been undertaken, a so-called “Canal To Nowhere” that is expected to employ ten thousand people for the next twenty years to create a passage running parallel to the ten-mile-wide straits. This item is entirely true, and has not been modified for humorous purposes.

– In the wake of an informal request by the United States for Saudi Arabia to increase oil exports, Iranian-backed (and occasionally staffed) Houthi rebels in war-torn Yemen fired missiles at an ARAMCO oil facility, impacting overall production negatively by about 10%. The Saudi government issued a statement after the attack saying that oil shortfalls could be made up from “other sources”. No denial was made by the Saudi government of the popular rumor that food manufacturer Soylent has won the recent bid on their new “Transform Condemned Criminals Directly To Petroleum” project.

– A 737 passenger jet crashed in China, killing all 132 people on board.

– In a reversal of their usual national practice, Russian peacekeepers in Azerbaijan are calling on Azerbaijani military forces to cease their unprovoked invasion into the breakaway Artsakh republic and attacks against the native Armenian population. Azerbaijan in turn has blamed Armenia for the attack, claiming that Armenia deserves to be conquered and its population annihilated because they are, quote, “weak”. A government representative later walked back that claim, requesting that it be reworded to, quote, “weaker than us”.

– THIS JUST IN: Buried deep within the 12,823-page complaint by Donald Trump’s presidential campaign against that of Hillary Clinton in 2016 are startling allegations that Russian President Vladimir Putin has information in his possession that will inevitably lead to Clinton’s conviction on criminal charges. Shortly after the filing was made, U.S. President Joe Biden announced that “Putin cannot remain in power.” At last report, Putin was still alive, unlike Epstein, who remains dead as of this report.

And that’s all the news that’s fit to print, plus some that isn’t, brought to you from our new office space in a recently-waterproofed Amazon carton located under the I-270 overpass. From all of us here at The Not Fake News, we’d like to thank you for your continued support — especially the folks at IHOP who left the dumpster unlocked yesterday.

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