The Ukraine War dominates headlines everywhere. This is doubtless a good thing, since it’s probably the single most important event in the world today, and likely to have even more far-reaching long-term consequences than even the ongoing COVID epidemic.
Unfortunately, this headline dominance has a tendency to drown out other useful stories. There are always important things happening all over the world; it hasn’t stopped spinning despite Russia’s invasion of yet another neighbor. This is why we do these Updates, after all, so let’s take a look:
– In war-torn Yemen, a two-month cease fire has been negotiated to begin during Ramadan. This will permit fuel and humanitarian aid shipments into the port of Al Hudadya for the first time in years. It is to be hoped that this respite will inspire continued peace, even though hard experience tells us that it’s more likely to be a period of rearmament that will precede the next phase of the decade-long proxy war.
– In a return to Trump-era policies early struck down by appeals court ruling, the Biden administration has authorized an expansion of ethanol percentages in the American gasoline supply. Current restrictions limit ethanol content to 10% due to reported increases in smog generation during the summer months. Environmental activists who opposed the move under Trump are now applauding the measure as an expansion of renewable fuels. This is actually true.
– Violent protests over inflation and economic upheaval are continuing in Sri Lanka, Peru, and Nigeria. Meanwhile, violent anti-coup protests continue in Burkina Faso and Sudan and anti-war protests continue in Russia (but not Ukraine). Violent protests began in Indonesia following a suggestion that the 2024 elections might be delayed. No word yet on whether the protests in Myanmar are about the coup, inflation, civilian massacres, or anything else following a mass arrest of journalists.
– Meanwhile, in France, the upcoming elections for president are projected to be extremely close-run. Supporters of Macron are preparing mass protests and riots in case he loses, whereas supporters of Le Pen are preparing riots and mass protests in case she loses. Former supporters of Mélenchon, who lost in the first round, are divided on whose behalf to protest following the April 22 election. No president of France has won re-election since 2002.
– In Afghanistan, an Afghani militant bombed a monetary exchange hub in Kabul killing or injuring dozens. Then a live hand grenade was thrown into a mosque, killing five. The present spate of bombings reportedly began with the suicide bombing of a wedding three weeks ago. In unrelated news, mass protests have begun in Kabul over treatment of Afghan refugees in Iran, leading to an attack on the Iranian embassy. “Thank God we’re not there,” said at least one American military source who wasn’t speaking to one of our correspondents at the time.
– The Tigray War in Ethiopia has apparently subsided, reducing the number of active wars in the country to one and the number in Africa to twenty-six. Talks continue between forty-five of the warring factions in Chad, and a mass amnesty has been declared by the government. Fearful of an outbreak of peace and subsequent loss of profits, Russian military consultants the Wagner Group have begun negotiations with certain of the factions but have thus far been stymied. This is actually true.
– Negotiations over an Iranian nuclear deal have reportedly been stalled over an unwillingness by either side to actually implement it if agreed. Iran is refusing to cease uranium enrichment, while the United States is refusing to accept a no-takebacksies condition in case Iran does in fact fail to meet their treaty obligations. Representatives of the Mossad who normally would issue “No Comment” statements are presently all posting Out-Of-Office notices for no apparent reason.
– Yet another prominent American politician has been arrested on corruption charges. This time it’s the new Lt. Governor of New York, Brian Benjamin, who was appointed to fill the old job of present Gov. Hochul, who in turn replaced former governor Andrew Cuomo, if you’re keeping track as they go by. A new measure in the state legislature, which would require instant imprisonment upon election to high office in order to streamline the process, has been sent to committee.
– Quantum physicists have discovered a fundamental flaw in their view of the universe, as represented by an excessive mass in W bosons. This follows an earlier fundamental flaw discovered by insufficient mass in the same particles as compared to theoretical models. The consensus is that further study is required, to the relief of thousands of graduate students who would face unemployment if ever the mysteries of the universe are solved.
– BREAKING: A mass shooting incident took place at the Greenwood Cemetery subway station in the Sunset Park neighborhood of Brooklyn, leaving at least ten people injured. The perpetrator apparently used smoke bombs to add to the confusion, and left the scene wearing a gas mask and construction vest. More details as we get them.
– THIS JUST IN from Mariupol, Ukraine: American Lt. General Roger Cloutier is still neither dead nor captured. In fact, he isn’t even in Ukraine, nor has been for four years now. No comment yet from deceased billionaire Epstein, who reportedly never knew the general, but unlike him is still dead.
And that’s all the news that’s fit to print, plus some that isn’t, brought to you from our new office space under some trees near the I-270 overpass. From all of us here at The Not Fake News, we’d like to thank you for your continued support, especially for the new blue tarp.