War in Ukraine continues, COVID rages on, and Amber was Heard.
But other things have happened in the past few days, and it would be a shame to miss them. Here are just a few:
– France’s president, Emmanuel Macron, was re-elected with a comfortable majority, in a stunning reversal of precedent. France has failed to re-elect any other president since Chirac two decades ago. Nearly ten percent of ballots were left blank or deliberately defaced as protest votes, and millions failed to vote, with turnout said to be the lowest since 1969. Exit polls revealed that a substantial percentage of Macron voters despise the man but hate his right-wing opponent Le Pen far more.
– The governor of Oklahoma has signed a bill into law making abortion illegal. Unlike other similar Republican attempts to evade Roe v. Wade, this new law would penalize medical practitioners rather than the patients. Scheduled to take effect in three months, this measure is certain to face opposition in the courts. Considering similar resistance to Texas’s similarly dystopian law, it’s possible that legal challenges will be ineffective. It would take a truly cynical mind to imply, or even consider, that such incompetence could be deliberate in an effort to influence the upcoming Midterm elections out of manufactured fear.
– Elon Musk has finalized a deal to purchase Twitter for the record sum of $44 billion, and intends to privatize the company. We at The Not Fake News would like to be among the first to recognize our new corporate overlords, all while groveling for any tiny crumbs of loose change thoughtful billionaires might be willing to provide to help subsidize the existence of a free and independent press.
– Raytheon and Lockheed-Martin have declared victory in the Ukraine conflict, as sales of the FGM-148 Javelin and the F-35 Lightning have spiked to an all-time high and the Russian armored corps has suffered decimation. Ratheon’s profits are expected to nearly double in fiscal 2022, and Lockheed-Martin (which profits from both pieces of equipment) is looking at an increase of billions. Neither corporation anticipates paying any corporate taxes whatsoever.
– Iran has officially begun nuclear centrifuge production in Natanz, Isfahan Province. There is nothing funny about this whatsoever.
– The Karen National Union has defeated an attempt by the Burmese Army to capture the town of Lay Kay Kaw in Myanmar. This victory is seen by some to have solidified the military reputation of the Karens, who have been seeking either independence or a federal government since as early as 1949. This incident represents a major breach by the ruling Myanmar junta to the ceasefire terms negotiated in the Karen region of Kawthoolei eight years ago. (No jokes about managers were made during the reporting of this news item.)
– The increasingly incorrectly-named Gasteranthus extinctus, an Ecuadorian orange flower previously considered extinct, has been rediscovered in the remains of logged-out forests. The flower, now classified as severely endangered, was named by the botanists who first discovered it in an attempt to draw attention to the destruction of the plant’s native habitat; it had been determined to be extinct even before initial description was completed.
– Conspiracy theory website InfoWars has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection following multiple lawsuits stemming from their deliberately erroneous and inflammatory coverage of the Sandy Hook shooting. Meanwhile, Russia has arrested a Colombian journalist for allegedly telling the truth about the Ukraine war. “This is why we can’t have nice things,” said an unnamed source, refusing to provide his name on fear of prosecution.
– The Houthi movement in south Yemen has signed an agreement to stop using child soldiers. This is the most recent hopeful step toward de-escalation of the proxy war during the Ramadan cease-fire. Meanwhile, Iran and Saudi Arabia have resumed talks to permit Iranian nationals to again participate in Hajj pilgrimages to Mecca for the first time in six years.
– Disney has announced their plans to secede from the state of Florida in the most recent escalation in the Orlando Conflict. The struggle began after the corporation gave in to online and employee pressure to announce opposition to the Parental Rights In Education Act, which prohibits discussion of gender identity in schools up to Grade 3. Hostilities have continued to escalate, first in Tweets and then lawyers, culminating in the recent attempted dissolution of Disney’s sovereign “Vatican City” status by the Florida legislature. This most recent move by Disney, if unopposed, would leave much of the central highlands of Florida under corporate control and the coastline to the government.
– The Islamic State has claimed responsibility for the bombing of a mosque in Afghanistan that killed approximately forty and wounded an additional ninety people. This is one in a long string of bombings and counter-bombings that continue to kill people unaffiliated with whatever the present conflict is. (We’ve lost track.)
– THIS JUST IN: Iran has banned the importation of iPhones. We’re not sure whether this is designed to be anti-American, anti-China (where they’re manufactured), anti-Apple, or pro-Elon Musk.
– BREAKING NEWS: Epstein is still dead. More on this breaking story as the facts continue to come in.
And that’s all the news that’s fit to print, plus some that isn’t, brought to you from our new office space under a blue tarp near the I-270 overpass. From all of us here at The Not Fake News, we’d like to thank you for your continued support. We’re particularly grateful to the DoorDash driver that accidentally dropped that Sacher torte from La Madeline. It was delicious.