Hello, good morning, and welcome to another edition of the Update!
There’s tremendous excitement this morning about several developments in the Ukraine that nobody has any clear picture of, and the 24-hour infotainment channels will tell you all about all the things they don’t know. They’ll bring in experts and have lively discussions and it’ll be a lot of fun for them, so we won’t spoil it by getting involved.
Instead, here are a few things that have happened recently that you might have missed:
– The Black Lives Matter Foundation has released its first financial report, revealing some startling potential improprieties, including apparent nepotism for multi-million dollar contracts and the private personal use of facilities and funds by then-director Patrisse Cullors. At present no charges have been filed and several of the more egregious [insert wishy-washy adjective here] misuses have been refunded. The Foundation has more than $40 million in assets left after some $80 million in donations were received. Much of their current fund has been invested in a manner consistent with its use as an endowment for future sustaining projects.
– A third case of polio has been detected in Pakistan. Given widespread popular resistance to modern healthcare in the region, this has sparked extreme alarm. The government is treating it as a potentially substantial outbreak requiring immediate emergency measures. The CDC has been notified and expects to be able to respond in 6 to 8 weeks with a mailed printed survey form.
– Speaking of disease: Monkeypox. Avoid having orgy sex at raves for a little while, because monkeypox is disgusting and quite painful. NOTE: Media pictures have been unreliable, often showing stock photos of shingles instead, prompting rumors of a “false flag” faked outbreak. Be assured, the disease is real, though not highly transmissible.
– Finland and Sweden are both applying to join NATO in response to Russian aggression. Turkey has threatened to veto their applications on the grounds that they are state sponsors of terrorism. This is not a joke; Finland and Sweden, two of the least warlike nations in the world, have been accused of sponsoring terrorists to overthrow the Turkish government. There’s really nothing we can add to this to make it either make sense or be more humorous.
– In a startling upheaval, Australia’s Prime Minister has been unseated and replaced with the Labor candidate, the which party also lost seats in the election. For the first time “since the bloody war, mate”, regional and third parties have gained a respectable following in the Commons, in what can only be described as a major national rejection of the traditional two-party system. American third-party candidates were all reportedly too high on pot to comment, with Libertarian Gary Johnson staging a fake heart attack.
– Global elites have returned to Davos, Switzerland for the World Economic Forum after a two-year COVID break. Flocks of private jets crowd the local tarmacs as the richest and most influential people on Earth discuss, among other things, the present energy crisis in the face of climate change, all while each conspicuously consuming more wealth in a week, and expelling more CO2, than the average (non-American) family does in a lifetime.
– Multiple mass shootings have taken place in the United States, including in San Bernardino, San Juan, at a Chicago McDonalds, and a church in Laguna Woods, but have not made the national news. This may be because the perpetrators were not white, or it might be due to the unfortunate fact that mass shooting events happen every couple of days. The church shooter was a Chinese Nationalist terrorist hoping to kill Taiwanese, and was tackled and subdued by members of the elderly congregation; the other three were apparently gang and drug related.
– In Switzerland, the law on organ donation has been changed from explicit to presumed consent. Henceforth, every freshly deceased corpse in that country will be presumed to be an organ donor unless they have explicitly objected. As a result, the price of black-market organs has plummeted, leading to a panic and mass unemployment in that industry. Most job loss is expected to take place in the corpse procurement sector.
– Russia’s government has seized the bank account of Google’s Russian subsidiary, leading that company to declare bankruptcy. This action was taken in response to YouTube’s inability (or unwillingness) to block all content deemed anti-Russian by the Ministry of Information (formerly the Ministry of Truth). Google has announced that all its free services will continue to remain available, and the Ministry has declared they have no intent to block YouTube entirely. On an entirely unrelated note, the Russian Ruble has reached record highs against the Euro, showing its strongest year ever.
– A record cold snap has hit southern Brazil. Temperatures in the Federal district, which includes the new capitol Brasilia, have reached 1.4 °C, the lowest since monitoring began in 1963. Snowfall, which is virtually unknown except in the mountainous inland, has occurred throughout the southern part of the country.
– Talks are ongoing to extend the two-month cease fire in the Yemeni civil war (AKA Iranian proxy war against Saudi Arabia). Last week saw the first commercial air flight from Sanaa to Amman, Jordan in six years. Houthi rebels, which had previously dominated political councils, have lost control of the Presidential Leadership Council to moderate factions, and if hostilities were to begin again even experts find it difficult to see where, as popular support for the conflict has been drastically eroded.
– President Joe Biden has authorized the emergency deployment of American troops to Somalia to intervene in the perpetual state of civil war in that country. Apparently that’s because it worked out so well for us last time, when it was a factor in Clinton’s successful bid for re-election. No; wait–
– THIS JUST IN: Epstein is still dead, according to a statement released by the office of Generalissimo Francisco Franco.
And that’s all the news that’s fit to print, plus some that isn’t, brought to you from our new office space under a blue tarp in the strip of trees near the I-270 overpass. From all of us here at The Not Fake News, we’d like to thank you for your continued support. The tarp is beginning to show some holes, however, and we could use a new ground cover.