The Not Fake News Update: 10 June 2022

The Truth Shall Make You Fret

The news and feeds are all full of these hearings, which for some reason couldn’t be held in a timely manner but instead needed to be delayed until… wait, is it Midterm season again? Wow! What a coincidence!

It might surprise you to know that, while you were watching that, other things happened in the world, some of them quite interesting and even important. Here are a few:

– A mysterious antique aircraft left Lithuania and flew all across eastern Europe with no flight plan or active transponder, causing significant consternation and uproar before being abandoned in Bulgaria. Despite having been shadowed by the air forces of several nations the entire trip, the crew appears to have gotten away clean, though with what nobody is precisely certain. Rumors that the plane was flown by none other than Vice Chancellor Rudolf Hess in another attempt to defect have thus far not been confirmed, possibly because Hess (like Epstein) is still dead.

– UK’s Prime Minister Boris Johnson has survived a no-confidence vote and remains in the highest office. Fewer than two thirds of his own party voted in his favor, indicating a high likelihood that he will be unseated during the next general election; barring the rise of a single charismatic leader, this would seem certain to lead to a new Labour government. Chief Whip Francis Urquhart, breaking the fourth wall, indicated that one might think he could be a candidate, but of course he couldn’t possibly comment.

– Thailand has legalized pot grown for personal consumption, though the authorities continue to discourage recreational use and consider outdoor smoking to be an illegal public nuisance. When asked for a comment on this startling policy reversal, Deputy Permanent Secretary Thongchai Keeratihattayakorn replied, “Like, whatever, man.”

– The European Parliament has voted to ban the sale of all new internal combustion automobiles by the year 2035, pledging to upgrade infrastructure and install charging stations along all major roads over the course of the next decade. Meanwhile, in the United States, Ford has announced the release of the newest model Mustang, the 2023 Shelby GT-500, which gets 11 miles to the gallon.

– American terrorist Allison Fluke-Ekren, a former biology major at the University of Kansas, pled guilty today to, among other things, training a cadre of 100 girls and young women to fight for ISIL in Syria. Among the charges against her is planning mass-casualty terror attacks to take place within the United States. Fluke-Ekren was arrested in Syria in January and faces a twenty-year sentence.

– As though being leveled by artillery bombardment, decimated, and conquered by Russia weren’t enough, the city of Mariupol in Ukraine has announced a cholera outbreak. The total absence of health services, sanitation, and fresh water makes this not unlikely; however, as access to the city is permitted only to Russian press, there is no corroboration to the official announcement. Russian Deputy Assistant Deputy Vladim Ludmylnyvov, under condition of anonymity, commented, “Mariupol? Where is this place? I do not know it.”

– Poland has ended its state of emergency following the completion of their border wall with Belarus. Curiously, the swarms of migrants who had been crossing into Poland have proven unable to tunnel under it, go around it, or swim the Rio Grande — presumably because there’s no Rio Grande in Europe.

– The city of Seattle has refunded $5 million in parking tickets after the startling revelation that its Traffic Control Officers, which are no longer members of the new defunded police force, had no legal authority to write parking tickets.

– In Nigeria, 50 people were killed in an organized bombing and shooting attack on a Catholic church. In Germany, one person was killed and 30 injured after a German-Algerian man deliberately drove a car into a crowd. Also in Germany, a train derailment created a mass casualty event at a hospital holding a mass casualty drill, with over 100 injured. In Iran, 109 people were killed or injured when a train collided with construction equipment. Nearly five hundred were killed or injured in an unexplained explosion in Chittagong, Bangladesh. All of these events and more took place in a week’s time in early June.

– The United States has suffered yet another school rampage shooting, as the usual bullied victim of domestic violence self-destructed in a successful attempt at death by cop. Rather than blame the perpetrator, the abusive parents, the school bullies, or any of the dozens of people who contributed to the event, national ire has fallen on the school teacher who left a door propped open, the police who responded far too slowly, and of course the NRA. Further blame was levied against the AR-15 but not handguns, despite his use of a handgun in the incident; also held at fault was personal body armor, regardless of the perpetrator’s use instead of an empty plate carrier.

– THIS JUST IN from Spain: Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still dead. (So is Epstein, but we already mentioned that.)

And that’s all the news we can stomach reading, much less summarizing, on this fine morning in June in the third year of COVID. If you think we missed something, please write your description of the news story on the back of a $20 bill and send it to us here at The Not Fake News home office, now in a trash dumpster corral behind a defunct Borders, just in range of the free Panera wi-fi. Look for the big blue tarp!

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