The Truth Shall Mock Yer Fear
Midsummer has passed, and the days will now get shorter and shorter until Christmas and snow. Not to worry, though; there’s plenty of hot summer between now and then. And that’s the weather; now on to the news!
Yes, there are hearings. You already know all there is to know about those, so, as usual, let’s move on to things you won’t see on the front page.
– The Supreme Court has decided against Monsanto (now Bayer), upholding a multi-million dollar cancer verdict against the manufacturers of RoundUp. This decision promises to have massive repercussions across markets, global agriculture, the price of food, and (arguably) cancer rates in developed nations. Naturally, the decision hasn’t made the front page anywhere.
– Russia has signaled their intention to take offensive moves (likely economic) against Lithuania, a long-time member of NATO, over their blockage of goods in transit to the Russian exclave of Kaliningrad. A Russian border service helicopter strayed into Estonia, causing the ambassador to be summoned. Tension in Europe continues to ratchet to record heights as the Ukraine war drags on. We’re aware that none of this is actually new, and thus not news, but what the hell; it fills space.
– In the world of cricket, the UK team set a new record for their highest One Day International score, at 498, against the Netherlands. Apparently one of their star all-rounders got stumped after he hacked a long hop to the cow corner while failing to touch ground behind the popping crease, and the opposing slip fielder lobbed a dolly on the reverse swing, ending the over. We have no idea what any of this means but we’re pretty certain some of the words are in the wrong place. Something happened in basketball too, but we’re not even going to try.
– Wildfire season in California continues with a new Edgewood fire, repeating the pattern of fires in and around Edgewood ever few years. Meanwhile, the Forest Service has reported a failure to hire enough firefighters due to the low wages they’re forced to pay, citing job competition from Cal Fire and other state and municipal organizations with greater flexibility. When the inevitable record season predictably gets entirely out of control, the blame will be cast on climate change rather than governmental failure to adapt.
– Muslim militants have slaughtered over a hundred civilians in Mali, attacked churches in Nigeria, bombed each other in Afghanistan, and rioted over a yoga celebration in the Maldives, in the Indian Ocean — and that’s just this past weekend. Meanwhile, a massive earthquake near Kabul has generated a huge death toll, a record that may possibly exceed deaths from militants this month. In Afghanistan, that is.
– The Home Office has approved the extradition of Wikileaks founder Julian Assange to the United States; the decision is under appeal. This follows a U.S. Supreme Court appeal rejection in which Assange’s lawyers failed to present any points of law. (This is actually true, and not an attempt at humor.) Similarly, the Home Office has a very narrow window in which it can reject extradition, and his appeal isn’t expected to touch on any of the areas in which it can act. Charges brought against Assange relate to the 2010 and 2011 intelligence leaks regarding then-current U.S. military operations in Afghanistan, arguably endangering the lives of soldiers.
– On an unrelated note, The Not Fake News has no information whatsoever about American troops or troop movements anywhere, especially not in Europe or involving the workup of the USS Gerald Ford. We’re told that an Iranian F-14 has crashed, but nothing is further from our minds, including the question of why Iran has F-14s in the first place.
– A Russian military intelligence agent was apprehended attempting to land an internship at the International Criminal Court under a long-established false identity. He is expected to face criminal trial in Brazil, after which he may be exchanged for one of a variety of prisoners held by Russia — or not, depending.
– ELECTION NEWS: American media appears to be repeating the same pattern that ended in Trump’s election in 2016, by focusing largely on the influence of Trump in the primary races rather than on things that are actually newsworthy. Trump, meanwhile, continues to raise money for his upcoming unannounced campaign that, once again, he (Trump) is likely not going to need to Trump expend due to all the Trump free Trump press he’s getting Trump, which is expected to Trump that of his opponents, who when all is said and done, are not Trump. Meanwhile, in the Trump Primary, the AP reports that Trump Trump Trumps Trump Trump in Trumpery Trump Trump.
– THIS JUST IN: Trump is still not president because he’s a loser, and unlike Epstein is not dead. More on this breaking story as the information comes in.
And that’s all the news that’s fit to print plus, as usual, some that’s not. We’d like to thank our Brazilian Uber driver, Pikup Andropov, for special insight into the Russian spy story.
If you think we missed something, please write your description of the news story on the back of a $20 bill and send it to us by courier here at The Not Fake News home office, now in a trash dumpster corral behind the defunct Borders, just in range of the free Panera wi-fi. Look for the big blue tarp under the Never Trump! sign.