The Not Fake News Update, 02 July 22

The Truth Shan’t Make You Free

We’ve all heard about Roe v. Wade being overturned. It has dominated the headlines on every outlet from CNN to Fox News ever since the judgment was released, to be replaced only by other SCOTUS decisions, militant yet unrealistic statements by politicians, and a massive barrage of fundraising ads from the Democratic party.

Contrary to public belief, other occurrences of note have taken place during this time, and it’s only right that we should share them.

– Civil unrest began in the Republic of Karakalpakstan following the introduction of a proposed constitutional amendment that would remove its autonomy from Uzbekistan. In response, the government has since scrapped the plans. Karakalpakstan is a formerly world-renowned growing place for melons, grapes, and apricots but has largely desertified following the diversion of Aral Sea water for irrigation, similar in fact to Southern California and the area once known as Tulare Lake.

– In Denmark, farmers have laid siege to the home of that country’s Minister of Agriculture in a violent protest over the anti-pollution laws and their impact on their livelihood. This follows a multi-year trend among Danish farmers to sell out and emigrate, often to Germany or Canada, in order to continue to follow their chosen profession. Danish laws against nitrate runoff have grown ever stricter over the past decade, and the few remaining farmers have opted to fight the government by clogging roads with their now-useless tractors and spreading manure on city streets.

– Scotland is once again attempting to secede from the United Kingdom, this time by appeal by its parliament to the Supreme Court to gain permission. It is considered unlikely that the administration of Boris Johnson will grant leave to hold a referendum on the hotly contested topic, which is seen by many to be little more than a particularly cheap and tawdry political stunt aimed at forcing new elections. However, followers of the Bonnie Dundee have been observed calling for glasses and cans to be filled preparatory to saddling their horses.

– The State of New York has signed a replacement handgun law into effect in record time following last week’s Supreme Court decision striking down the earlier requirement of bribing a cop for a concealed carry permit as “too stringent”. The new law requires gun safety training, access to secure weapon storage, and governmental review of the applicant’s social media accounts. (Actually, we’re joking about the gun safes, but not bribing cops or social media. -Editor)

– Meanwhile, the Republic of Kiribati has been left judgeless after the government fired its only remaining judge. The other judge had been suspended some time ago for political reasons, and was preparing to begin his reinstatement hearing at the time of the second firing, but now is unable to due to the complete absence of any justices able to hear the case. This has precipitated a constitutional crisis, to the unconcealed glee of the Chinese envoy, who has also secured the island nation’s de-recognition of Taiwan in exchange for what is commonly reported as a bargain price.

– Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez performed a masterful job of waffling when asked by comedian Steven Colbert whether or not she was considering a run for the Presidency in 2024. Her primary objection was that she’s uncertain whether the United States will still be a democracy at that point in time. Later in the interview, she refused to endorse President Biden and then failed to deny that she would be pursuing a new career as Generalissimo and Dictator-For-Life — whether of the United States or the Republic of Kiribati she also did not say.

– The United Nations has declared that borscht is now an endangered cultural resource following the Russian invasion of Ukraine. Borscht culture preservationists are now eligible for international grant money to aid in the protection of the sour beet soup. Presumably, this is merely a cover for the subsidized purchase of more of the feared Ukrainian tractors for military purposes, as nobody actually eats borscht by choice.

– Argentina has issued a warning of polar wave temperatures following a week of blizzards and, before that, one of the coldest autumns in decades. For those of you complaining about the heat and humidity here in the northern hemisphere, just think: You could be in Argentina.

– Mainstream media has been completely silent about the release of a film and manifesto by an evidently well-funded American eco-fascist anti-nationalist terror organization, and for once The Not Fake News is in near-complete agreement. International terror watch groups believe that any press at all would only serve as advertisement for the group and its views. We’ve made an exception only because some American voters vocally and vehemently doubt their existence or that their numbers are substantial, and it is important that they be disabused of their comforting illusion to that effect.

– THIS JUST IN: Ghislaine Maxwell, retired former procurer for still-deceased former billionaire Jeffrey Epstein, has finally been sentenced to a lengthy prison term for her role in creating the so-called “Orgy Island” hangout in the Virgin Islands that catered to the whims of many of the world’s wealthy and powerful, very few of whom have faced any consequences for indulging themselves among sex workers recruited en masse from the ranks of underage professionals. At present, it is estimated that over a quarter of a million sex workers in the United States are fourteen years of age.

And that’s all the news that’s fit to print plus, as usual, a great deal that isn’t. To clarify, our editorial staff believes that most of what’s actually happening in the world would sully the pages of whatever newspaper would stoop to printing it, making it unfit to be utilized as a backup in outhouses throughout the civilized world.

If you think we missed something or have a complaint about the humorous or factual content of this piece, please write it on the back of a $20 bill and send it to us by courier here at The Not Fake News headquarters. We’re in the downtown Panera shamelessly hogging the one working outlet.

You can send cash to PayPal in order to help support us, set up a subscription donation at Patreon, or buy us a coffee.

Buy Me A Coffee

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s