And Ye Shall Know The Truth And The Truth Shall Make You Free

mural on the wall of the CIA Headquarters building

It’s hot. It’s very hot. England has set records for the heat, and you couldn’t get me back to Texas for love or money.

On the other hand, in some parts of the southern hemisphere, it’s a record cold winter, with blizzards and record freezes. Along the Po River in northern Italy, a record drought is killing crops; in Spain and Portugal, wildfires have claimed over 1700 lives. The first Atlantic hurricanes are making landfall, and the monsoon is hitting Pakistan with flash floods.

So much for the weather. Now let’s discuss headlines.

– To great international acclaim, NASA has released the first photographs from the new James Webb telescope. They show stars. Feeling snubbed and not to be outdone, the veteran Hubble has sent us some truly remarkable pictures of the auroras on Jupiter. Finally, journalists have snapped photos of now-disgraced former star Armie Hammer selling timeshare apartments, which kinda sounds like fun.

– Shinzo Abe, former long-time Prime Minister of Japan, was shot and killed by a 41-year old navy veteran with a homemade shotgun and a significant disconnect from reality. The weapon was apparently created using tape and plumbing supplies.

– In the wake of escalating sanctions by the free world against Iran and Russia, the two nations have signed an agreement to develop Iranian oil reserves. Gazprom, the Russian state oil concern, has signaled its intent to expend some $40 billion in Iran developing infrastructure for future exploitation and distribution; according to the National Security Council, Iran will repay them by shipping military drones and rockets north in bulk. Meanwhile, Iran has announced that it has enriched enough uranium for a nuclear weapon.

– The European Union has agreed to begin negotiations with Albania and North Macedonia for their inclusion; this following the accession of Croatia as the 20th member of the economic bloc. On a similar note, long-time neutral nations Sweden and Finland have been officially approved for membership in NATO, requiring only the agreement of their respective national legislatures. These are only the latest of Putin’s military victories in the Ukraine War.

– Former V.P. Mike Pence and former Ambassador Nikki Haley have each begun actively campaigning against Trump and the Democrats, in that order, in advance of the 2022 midterm elections, in a manner that has all but confirmed their intentions to run for the Republican presidential nomination in 2024. Meanwhile, Andrew Yang’s Forward Party continues to endorse primary candidates in dozens of venues as President Biden ends his marathon diplomatic tour of Europe and the Middle East with a whistle stop in Somerset, Massachusetts, where he intends to release an emergency declaration on climate change. Presumably he has chosen Somerset due to the likely impact of coastal flooding on cities over a hundred miles inland.

– Also very much not running for president, Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio Cortez was photographed by the New York Post being not-arrested and not-marched off while not-handcuffed by police. The non-arrest took place at an abortion rights protest briefly attended by the Congresswoman / crisis actress along with sixteen of her colleagues, none of whom appear to have rated mention in any headlines.
CORRECTION: That’s not quite right; Jewish Rep. Andy Levin got mentioned in the Jerusalem Post for being the only male among the seventeen. Good for you, Andy!

– The former leader of the Sinaloa Cartel, Rafael Caro Quintero has been re-arrested by the Mexican armed forces following a chase and battle that cost the lives of a dozen Marines. “El Narco Des Narcos”, as he was termed, was previously released by a (possibly bribed?) court on a technicality, but has since lost his final appeal against extradition to the United States.

– Another homegrown Accelerationist terrorist crawled out from festering in his parent’s basement to self-destruct in a mall in Indiana, pulling out a rifle in order to attack customers only to be stopped by a rather more properly armed citizen with a handgun. This marks the second to be stopped by an armed bystander in recent weeks, out of four such attacks that have made the news. Several others either found themselves unable to carry out their attacks or were stopped by law enforcement beforehand during this same time period. It is not known whether this particular worm farm was inspired by the Russian-funded eco-Fascists, the Chinese-funded anarcho-Communists, or the Iranian- (and Saudi-) funded (by way of Palestine) neo-Nazis, and we can’t ask him since he’s dead. Or rather, we could, but it is presumed he’d have a hard time answering.

– Sri Lanka has elected a new president following the precipitate flight of the old one, along with the Prime Minister and brother-in-law Finance Minister. Mass protests over the easily foreseeable financial collapse ended with rioters enjoying the presidential swimming pool and government officials fleeing the scene with nothing but their Swiss bank account numbers.

– THIS JUST IN: Monkeypox? Seriously?! We’re vaccinating against monkeypox now? …OK, yes, we’re seriously vaccinating against monkeypox now. If you plan to attend a rave in New York City, three more vaccination sites have opened up for your convenience. And yes, it can infect casually, so be careful who you shake hands with too. It’s gone beyond the rave/orgy scene. Not that we’ve ever been to one…

– BREAKING NEWS: Ghislaine Maxwell is still not dead. Longtime partner and procurer for the still-deceased former billionaire and island pimp of child prostitutes Jeffrey Epstein, Maxwell named names of the rich and powerful during her trial, and yet somehow none of the rich and powerful have followed her to prison. Rather more surprising is the fact that she’s still breathing. More updates on this breaking story as we learn them.

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And that’s all the news that’s fit to print, plus as always a little that’s not. This Update was brought to you by the free (yet still somehow overpriced) breakfast at the Residence Inn, which we’ve discovered can be consumed even by people without rooms as long as they’re willing to wear slippers and pajamas. Remember: Always over-tip your breakfast servers, even at hotels. They work hard for not much money.

If you think we missed something or have a complaint about the humorous or factual content of this piece, please write it on the back of a $20 bill and send it to us by courier here at The Not Fake News headquarters. We’re still in the breakfast room at the hotel, shamelessly hogging the one working outlet as we slooooowly sip battery acid masquerading as coffee.

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