The Queen is dead. Long live the King.
Enough about that. Let’s talk about a few of the things you might have missed while the headlines were dominated by the shocking news that a near-centenarian monarch passed away quietly.
– Across the United States, Democrats continue to be the largest financial supporters of many pro-conspiracy fringe MAGA Republican candidates. While many condemn this as irresponsible politics, there is growing concern among centrist Democrats that perhaps the Party actually does want to Make America Great Again, which would, they agree, be a terrible thing.
– Iceland is taking Iceland to court over the use of the name “Iceland”. The shopping retailer branded as Iceland, which focuses on frozen foods, is being sued by the island nation of the same name for having trademarked it. According to Iceland Magazine (not affiliated with either the nation or the frozen food vendor), “It is an insult to common sense to maintain that the supermarket chain has a stronger claim to the trademark than the country.” Supermarket chain lawyers disagree, noting that not all the bribes are in yet.
– Armenia has requested military intervention from Russia after Azerbaijan launched an attack over the disputed border. Russia, presently busy retreating from eastern Ukraine, has urged peace, denouncing acts of imperialistic conquest in the strongest terms.
– Albania has expelled the entire Iranian diplomatic mission to their country following a massive cyberattack. The United States has issued censures and sanctions in support. However, CIA Agent Young has reported that “There is no war in Albania.”
– Inflation news continues to pound the world’s markets. Stock prices have tumbled following an announcement that, despite continually decreasing commodity prices, core inflation numbers continue to increase at an absurd rate. Among the many things that can be purchased for substantially less than in August are lumber, U.S. congressmen, and shares of all thirty companies that make up the Dow Jones Industrial Average.
– The City of Chicago has responded to an influx of Venezuelan migrants by busing them back out to various suburbs without coordinating with local governments, annexing several hotels for the purpose. Chicago, which has declared itself a sanctuary city, has lost no time in expelling the several hundred migrants, described not as “illegal aliens” but rather “paperworkically and bureaucratically deprived foreign nationals suffering a temporary geographic embarrassment with respect to their lawful residentiary rights and requirements”. Governor Pritzger has declared a state of emergency and mobilized the National Guard to deal with the crisis, which represents fewer than 1% of similarly-statused individuals presently detained in their first stop, Texas.
– The James Webb Space Telescope has released startling new pictures of Orion’s belt. There have been negative reviews, however, indicating a consensus that not only is the area a massive waist of space, it has no atmosphere — only three stars.
– The United States is bracing for a major rail strike as members of the twelve major transportation unions consider a collective offer of 24% raises plus cash bonuses for their employees. Unions may object, however, as mandatory attendance policies have come under scrutiny. Recent policy changes have reportedly limited days off per year to a minimum of 22 instead of the previously permitted 84. Representatives of the nation’s fast food labor force reportedly commented, “Would you like fries with that?”
– In Lebanon, a woman identifying herself as Sally Hafez held up a bank with a gun, holding bank employees hostage in order to get her own money. Withdrawals have been limited by law since 2019, and her action is only the most recent in a string of similar actions. World opinion is split on the matter; consumer organizations have roundly praised the armed robber, while representatives of several American banks have begun studying the law to see if they can get a similar one passed in their own country, one that merely assesses a financial penalty for transactions.
– The Chicago Tribune has won its legal battle against the administration of Mayor Lightfoot, which has been blocking access to documents concerning a string of sexual assault, harassment, and workplace discrimination charges filed against high-ranking members of the city’s municipal government, including the Fire Department. The city has been objecting to the release on the grounds that they needed to protect the identity of the alleged victims despite permission by the Attorney General’s office to redact that information. Further stonewalling and delay is expected due to the upcoming election season.
– Russian President Vladimir Putin is facing an unprecedented number of critics calling for his resignation among local government figures. Two more members of oblast governments joined the new coalition today, which has been moved to a rail siding just outside Gorkiy Park in preparation for relocation to their projected headquarters in Siberia, which they will be permitted to construct themselves using only a single dull axe and all the trees they can fell.
– THIS JUST IN: Epstein is still dead, but Elvis is alive and disco will never die.
And that’s all the news worth reporting plus, as always, a fair amount that isn’t. Complaints about the humorous or informational content in this release should be written in Number 2 pencil on the back of a $50 bill and sent in to our news office, presently located near the I-270 overpass just within range of Panera’s free wi-fi signal.
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