The Not Fake News Update, 13 October 2022

On this date in 1307, a dawn raid was launched on the Knights Templar by King Philip IV of France, leading to the capture, torture, and execution of hundreds of innocent men. Philip was later named “the Fair”, but for his looks rather than his sense of justice.

Since that day, a lot of things have happened, most not newsworthy. Here are a few of the more recent events that you might have missed due to 24-hour news masquerading as disaster porn:

– Popular protests continue in Iran following the death in captivity of 22-year-old Mahsa Amini in the custody of the Morality Patrol for wearing an “improper hijab”. Hundreds of protestors have been killed, and the government’s most recent response, a mass raid on elementary schools leading to the mass detention of hundreds of children in re-education camps, appears to have at least temporarily discouraged further protests. Schools across the Kurdistan region have been shut down.

– Mass protests in Haiti against the present Moïse government continue over a year after Moïse’s death by assassination. Led by political opponent Jean-Charles Moïse (no relation), protests call for new elections, the resignation of the government, and an end to the perpetual gang violence that plagues the nation. Secretary-General Guterres of the United Nations has proposed a multinational force be sent in to restore order and the rule of law, but Moïse (no relation) and Moïse (no relation, deceased) have thus far declined the offer of assistance.

– Russia has declared Facebook and Instagram to be terrorist organizations. This is actually true; no humor has been added to this item.

– NASA has reported the successful impact of its prototype asteroid redirection system on asteroid Dimorphos, which they say has substantially altered the orbit of the large space rock. A follow-up expedition to monitor further changes in Dimorphos and its larger twin Didymos is scheduled to arrive in 2026; in the mean while, citizens are advised “Don’t look up!”

– Trainloads of Russian soldiers have arrived in Belarus and are presumed to be preparing to invade neighboring Ukraine from the north. The previous invasion from Belarus bogged down along the narrow highway near the deactivated (but still highly radioactive) Chernobyl nuclear plant site for over a month. This next operation is expected to avoid this fate by bringing its own radiation along with it.

– In Ethiopia, the Tigray War has, predictably, re-ignited following a summer of rest and rearmament. The months-long peace, initially offered to permit humanitarian aid to reach the starving civilian populace of the Tigray region, came to an end following the redirection of much of the food to military stores, and at least one aircraft carrying munitions being shot down by the Ethiopian government.

– Mired deeply in an economic quagmire, Lebanon has concluded a mutual offshore oil exploitation deal with neighboring Israel which would permit both nations to share the profits. This news is not expected to do much to improve Lebanon’s financial woes, which have caused sufficient deterioration in the local infrastructure that the country is presently suffering from an outbreak of cholera. Currency is so short that local residents have begun committing bank robberies in order to recover their deposits. (This is not a joke. -Editor)

– President Museveni of Uganda has fired his son, Lt. Gen. Muhoozi Kainerugaba, from his job as commander of the national infantry forces. This move came after Kainerugaba made a series of tweets threatening to capture Nairobi, the capital of the neighboring nation of Kenya. Muhoozi, long reputed to Tweet while drunk, has until very recently been considered the likely successor to his father’s not-terribly-democratic presidency. Renowned fellow wild Tweeter Elon Musk has thus far made no comment on this topic, making it the only area of any international import in which he apparently has no opinion.

– A protest against Chinese leader Xi Jinping began and ended in near-record time in Beijing. Two lengthy banners protesting COVID lockdowns, economic woes, and the inability to vote were briefly photographed on an overpass before vanishing. Xi’s anti-protest policies have become extremely efficient in recent years even as he is expected to seek a third term in power from the Party, contrary to all recent norms. Flash protests are expected to become the new paradigm, at least according to one protestor who disappeared into custody before we could get his name.

And that’s all the news that is news plus, as usual, some that isn’t. Having read it, you are now free to leave the TV off for the next few weeks, content in the realization that, as long as you read the next installment, you won’t miss a thing — with the possible exception of a global nuclear holocaust, which (trust us!) you’ll be sure to notice yourselves.

– THIS JUST IN: Epstein is still dead, and Donald Trump’s Twitter account could be reactivated soon. Expect more on these breaking stories in upcoming Updates.

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