Hello, good morning, and welcome to the Update!

Today’s major headlines include a new Miss Universe (no, she’s not trans), a Russian missile strike against a Dnipro apartment complex, and Prince Harry’s new royal tell-all book. Since you can learn all about that elsewhere — and, frankly, since there’s not much more of interest to any of these items once you’ve seen the headline — we’ll move on to other things.

– In Afghanistan, former female member of Parliament Mursal Nabizada was gunned down at her home by unknown assailants. Kabul police spokesman Khalid Zadran has announced that an investigation is ongoing, but nobody with any sense believes him. The usual suspects have been rounded up, though also as usual Keyser Söze is not among them.

– A Pentecostal church was bombed in the Congo during its morning service, killing several attendees. The Islamic State, which sponsors several of the 120 known armed militant factions in the region, has claimed responsibility.

– Major flooding and mudslides have prompted a disaster declaration in California, as massive rains continue dumping water on the already drenched region. By freak coincidence, many of the local cities (and much of the farmland) were built over the remains of a massive system of seasonal lakes that once covered much of central California. Meanwhile, Lake Mead, which serves as the aquifer for much of this area, remains 128 feet below peak water level.

– In Uganda, authorities have announced the end of the 2022 ebola outbreak in that country, saying, “It’s 2023.”

– To no-one’s surprise, New York has imposed a $1.6 million fine on the Trump Organization for tax fraud, following a deal made by the company’s former CFO wherein he pays some $2 million personally. The charges stem from a massive system of false compensation and tax dodges used by the CFO over several years in order to hide his personal income from the government by terming it legitimate corporate expenses.

– Europe continues to enjoy a record warm winter, surprising many who had been predicting massive energy shortages in response to Putin’s war. Winter is far from over, however, and commodities prices remain high. Meanwhile, a gas pipeline running from Lithuania to Latvia has failed in a massive explosion, and sabotage is suspected.

– An explosion at a propane and propane accessories store in Quebec left three missing and presumed dead. Contrary to initial reports, the store was not a MegaloMart, although the gas leak may in fact have been caused by putting undue stress on a propane valve. Propane and propane accessories salesman Hank Hill had no comment.

– All domestic flights in the United States were grounded for a period of more than twelve hours following a maintenance accident during regular upkeep of the national hazard-reporting database. This marks the first time since early December that Southwest Airlines had a lower cancellation rate than Delta.

– Meta Platforms, parent company of Facebook and Instagram, has been fined €390 million by the European Union for privacy violations in their use of personal information in targeted marketing, for an all-time total of €1.3 billion. Meta, unsurprisingly, has announced their intention to appeal.

– Italy’s most-wanted mafia boss, Messina Dennaro, has been arrested in Sicily after thirty years of hiding, following his 1992 conviction in absentia for multiple murders. The Cosa Nostra boss was finally tracked down at a private clinic following his refusal to douse his cigar in the presence of oxygen. Meanwhile, former FBI director J. Edgar Hoover (deceased) maintains that “There is no such thing as the Mafia.”

– THIS JUST IN: Speaking of dead people, Epstein is still dead. So is Idi Amin, famously quoted as having said, “There is freedom of speech, but I cannot guarantee freedom after speech.” More on this breaking story as updates continue to come in.

And that’s the news, or at least a close approximation, which is more than you can get on the mainstream media. Any complaints as to the humorous content of this Update should be directed to our president care of 1600 Pennsylvania Ave., Washington D.C. Any complaints about the factual content should instead be sent to God, because we can’t actually change the facts.

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