The Not Fake News Update, 31 January 2023

Twitter Files releases are continuing, and as ever have gained neither traction nor even mention on major media outlets. Instead, headlines remain focused on the non-movement of battle lines in Ukraine, anticipation of yet another Trump investigation, shadowy and ill-defined power moves among party leadership in advance of next year’s presidential elections, and a few dozen people gathering in cities across the country to protest yet another brutal police killing of an unarmed suspect.

It’s quite curious: In the only newsworthy item on this list, the media focuses on what’s not happening rather than what is. One might almost suspect a pattern, if one weren’t already sufficiently well-acquainted with standard practices to actually know that such patterns are very real. Which brings us to our topic — a list of things that have been happening while the news has been reporting on other stuff.

– At least seven police officers and three EMTs are being disciplined over the brutal beating death of Memphis resident Tyre Nichols, who was evidently detained for the well-known crime of DWB (“Driving While Black”). Multiple officers have been fired; footage has been widely released; charges are pending — and very few people are protesting, perhaps because local law enforcement is actually acting responsibly for once. Who’d have thought it?

– A suicide bombing in a Pakistani mosque has killed or injured well over two hundred people, mostly affiliated with law enforcement, in a terror attack perpetrated by the Pakistani Taliban, a close ally of the government of Afghanistan. This is one of the deadliest such attacks in recent years. A suicide bomber wearing an explosive belt, likely some schmuck kid who had been brainwashed since he learned to blink, did the actual deed.

– In Iowa, nothing continues to happen. This is extremely strange for what ought by rights to be the beginning of a banner campaign year. Four years ago at this time, a round score of prominent Democratic presidential hopefuls were making regular appearances, and even several high-visibility Republicans had shown up to challenge Trump’s apparent lock on the nomination. This year, only Governor Hutchison of Arkansas has put in a major appearance, and even Trump’s campaign office is anemic, lacking even a local director. Insiders suggest that the DNC has determined to oust Iowa from its first-in-the-nation position, and most prospective challengers have apparently decided to give it a miss this time around in favor of even a lackluster incumbent.
UPDATE: Nikki Haley is expected to announce her candidacy on Feb. 15th.

– Starkly contradicting conspiracy theories of involuntary depopulation plans by secret world leadership councils, China has now begun removing population controls. In Sichuan Province, the three-child rule has been lifted, and birth registration limitations for single parents have been eliminated. The government has cited the present population decline as their reason, as the Chinese population continues to age beyond sustainability. Meanwhile, the state of Florida has chosen not to raise Social Security supplemental taxes, instead opting to sponsor roving euthanasia squads which will masquerade as drive-by shooters in and around retirement communities.

– Ironically, Iran of all places is suffering an outbreak of explosions, some at least caused by drone strikes. This makes them the last nation in the region to get bombed, likely because the major regional manufacturer of bombs, drones, and missiles is in fact Iran. An oil refinery in the Azerbaijani northwest suffered a catastrophic failure, and military sites and factories across the country and in the capitol city of Tehran have also been targeted. At least one military plant was successfully defended against air attack by emplaced defensive installations. Meanwhile, just across the Syrian border from Iraq, a munitions convoy heading to supply revolutionary militias was reportedly destroyed by fighter planes, possibly Israeli. An apparently unrelated 5.9 magnitude earthquake reportedly struck west of the oil refinery earlier that same day, killing dozens and injuring hundreds.

– The DNC party machine is gearing up for the future by increasing expenditures in local politics. Several so-called “independent” PACs have formed in recent weeks to support corporate Democrats over Democratic Socialists in city and state races, including Florida, New York, and most recently Chicago. The “Get More Done PAC” is focusing on alderman races in the Windy City, and has accumulated millions from hedge funds and unions to aid their chosen few. Republicans, meanwhile, have returned to the time-honored tactic of mutual vilification to win office, focusing on a top-down approach that will begin with a Trump-DeSantis mudwrestling match in a repurposed alligator farm just outside Mar-A-Lago.

– In France, strikes and protests continue against the proposal that the retirement age be raised to 64. The initiative was suggested as a way to, as President Macron phrased it, “avoid bankruptcy” in the national pension fund. Protesters disagree, on the not unreasonable premise that they’ve been making payments for a lot of years and wondering aloud where the money went. Damages from this round of protests thus far have risen into the tens of millions of Euros.

– The International Monetary Fund has announced that, surprisingly (their word), most of the world isn’t in a recession due to unexpected resilience in global markets. Only the United Kingdom is showing continued reduction in growth. Economists disagree on the cause, but a few have come together under the common opinion that this is due to, quote, “the curiously large amount of money spent.”

– According to published Chinese mortality data, the most populous nation on Earth has experienced zero COVID deaths. However, with hospital overcrowding becoming public knowledge and following on the heels of multiple celebrity and politician death reports, the World Health Organization is calling “bullshit”. (Not an exact quote. -Editor)

– TwitterFiles releases continue, this time about “Hamilton 68”, which billed itself as a tool for tracking Russian influence on social media but instead simply listed various accounts that repeated pro-conservative content and called them Russian. Among these were a number of far-left communist and anarchist feeds. Most major media outlets were entirely taken in by the scam, but none are issuing retractions. Turns out, Russia didn’t lose Hillary the election; it was Hillary.

– Meanwhile, buried beneath the fold on Page 6, diligent readers can find brief mention that the House Oversight Committee plans to interview former Twitter executives for their role in the suppression of the Hunter Biden laptop story. The first hearing, scheduled for February 8th, will elicit testimony from the former decisionmakers on their reasoning for muting posts, feeds, and entire accounts for the crime of saying bad things about candidate Biden.

– THIS JUST IN: Epstein is still dead, Ghislaine is still alive, and the only confidential document in D.C. that hasn’t been absentmindedly left in an old office is apparently his old client list.

And that’s the news, or at least something similar. And, yes, it’s been modified to make it more entertaining; that’s to be expected from any news source, and we’d hate to disappoint.

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