An awful lot of voices are raised in alarm these days, and that makes sense to me. There are wars, earthquakes, plagues, famine, and economic tough times, and they’re all stacking up a price that society will need to pay sooner rather than later. Our debt to our future keeps growing, and when it finally comes due, the day of reckoning will be painful indeed.

But that’s not people are alarmed about, curiously enough.

Judging by news coverage and the comments, there are two primary schools of thought about the recent train derailment in Ohio: first, that the government is concealing an orchestrated campaign of sabotage against our national infrastructure, and second, that the Powers That Be are using disasters and balloon alerts in order to distract us from the fact that we’re deploying combat troops in Somalia and hundreds of “military advisors” in Ukraine. Apparently, either we’re under attack from a powerful enemy or we’re about to invade somewhere in order to swing the next election.

If I had to choose between the two, I’d go for the second; that at least has some precedent. Both, however, are exceedingly unlikely. There exists a third possibility to explain rail accidents, which is that we’re operating under a framework of regulations that has never been overhauled since the railroad barons of the 1860s met at Promontory Summit, merely patched now and again when there was no choice.

Again, discussion of this point frequently revolves around whether we should blame the Republicans or the Democrats, which as usual misses every vital aspect of the discussion. In terms of party machinery, Republicans are pro-business, which means pro-pipeline; Democrats are pro-union, which means pro-trucker (since it takes far more truck drivers than pipeline workers per barrel of oil transported). Environmentalists often protest pipelines since fossil fuels are to them a great evil, but trains spill twenty times as much and trucks over a hundred, and both burn far more fuel doing so. The key fact to take away from all this is that neither side much cares about trains despite the unavoidable fact that this country is inextricably reliant on its dangerously antiquated freight rail network.

“But the Republicans–” I hear, and yes, it was under a Republican president that they lifted the last set of regulations — which were so badly flawed that, even had they been rigorously applied, they would not have had any effect on the Ohio derailment. They were created by the Department of Transportation under Obama, but successfully repealed under Trump on the grounds that the costs would exceed the benefit. Congress (the Democrat congress, remember) wasn’t even involved, because Congress didn’t care and still doesn’t. There’s a reason the rule wasn’t immediately put back into force in January of 2021, and it’s that the criticism was correct.

The bottom line here is that people only care about rail safety because it was in the headlines and any idiot can understand a massive plume of smoke that could be seen (and smelt) two states away. Politicians of both parties will pretend to care until the next big story comes along, but neither the Democrats nor Republicans in Congress would care to pass a law fixing it because both want railway operating costs to stay down — Republicans because that’s good for business, Democrats because that’s good for gas prices and therefore votes. Only the rest of us want to fix it, and we don’t count because we’ll forget all about it in about two news cycles.

Which reminds me: There are other idiotic things you people seem to believe that just ain’t true. Here’s a partial list.

1. COVID was not deliberately released as a method to control people, or as a bioweapon, or any other such nonsense.
2. Vaccines don’t contain microchips. They don’t need to. Your Smart TV, Smart Watch, Smart Refrigerator, and cell phone all report everything you ever do anyway, and that presumes you didn’t get an Alexa.
3. While we’re at it, vaccines aren’t the Mark Of The Beast any more than the magnetic strip on credit cards was. Don’t remember that one? I do. Same group of fringe nuts pretending to be preachers. While we’re at it, Medic ID bracelets aren’t either.
4. Speaking of fringe nut preachers: Joel Osteen is in fact unconscionably wealthy, but he doesn’t take home a $54 million salary, or in fact any salary at all. He got rich by selling books; having read one, I can’t imagine how.
5. There is no series of terrorist attacks against American infrastructure. Some local police departments have been arresting internet pranksters who have been trying to fuel the rumors by planting mysterious packages. That doesn’t count.
6. There is no series of “False Flag” attacks going on. If the government wants to start a war, they don’t need the excuse.
7. The balloons aren’t aliens trying to make contact.
8. The “mysterious sphere” in Japan isn’t a Godzilla egg. That was a movie, ya frickin dumbasses.
9. The “15 minute city” is NOT a socialist plot to end modern society and make you carry travel papers.
10. The CDC didn’t edit their report on vinyl chloride to make it seem less dangerous.
11. Nikki Haley didn’t change her name for political reasons. She’s gone by Nikki since grammar school and Haley since she married a guy named… wait for it… Haley. And no, her people aren’t Muslim or Hindu; they’re Sikhs. Yes, the badass warrior people from the Punjab who carry big swords. Those Sikhs.
12. The photos of dead birds have nothing to do with the Ohio train derailment. There are actually some severe bird diseases making the rounds across North America at the moment.
13. Ivermectin does NOT cure cancer! Neither does hydrogen peroxide! What the hell is wrong with you people?!
14. General Mark Milley has in fact served in combat. He earned a bunch of medals, not all of which were for attendance.
15. There was no “strange light in the sky” before the Turkey quake. There were several fires and explosions as a result. The video of the “strange light” is actually a rocket launch seen from Kazakhstan.
16. It’s harder to build than destroy. As a result, an actual revolution will NOT improve things in America.
17. There is no zombie fungus taking over American voters. The closest we get are MSNBC and Fox News, and the most those do is take advantage of excessive credulity; they can’t create it.
18. The CIA did not kill JFK, MLK, Malcolm X, and on and on and on and on.
19. 9/11 was not an inside job; it was a simple plan employed against 19 morons with death wishes and an unprepared United States.
20. Egg yolks can’t cure COVID. That’s not why there’s a shortage.

I could go on, but what’s the point? If you believe anything listed above, you probably won’t be convinced by anything I could possibly tell you.

And if you don’t believe that there are people out there who think COVID can be cured by egg yolks, you really haven’t been paying attention.

Conspirasissy: n. Someone who is too afraid to plot against you.
– Michael J. Neal

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