Beware the Ides of March, and also the Nones and Kalends while you’re at it. Mind you, technically speaking, the Ides of March would have referred to the first full moon of spring, which is due on the 6th of April, but that’s hardly important.

Speaking of unimportant things, your headlines have been full of them as usual. While you’ve been distracted, here are a few items of importance you might have missed:

– Saudi Arabia and Iran are restoring diplomatic relations following a seven year breach. The agreement, brokered by China, will lead to the reestablishment of embassies and exchange of ambassadors. The two nations have long struggled for dominance in the Middle East, and are presently engaged in at least two proxy wars. Relations had been suspended in 2016 when the Saudi embassy in Tehran was overrun by a violent mob and set on fire.

– The United Nations has completed the text for the proposed High Seas Treaty, which is scheduled to come before the assembly in the coming months for ratification. The treaty, which is designed to regulate fishing in international waters and such activities as undersea mining, will require at least sixty member states to sign it before it becomes active.

– Burundi is the latest neighboring nation to send troops to the Congo, to aid the government’s efforts to oppose attacks on civilian populations in the Kivu province. 100 Burundian soldiers have been deployed, along with logistical support resources. Most of the nearby states are involved in one manner or another, with Rwanda and Uganda allegedly supporting the M23 rebels. Refugees are fleeing the area in record numbers.

– Roel Degamo, governor of the Negros Oriental province in the Philippines, was assassinated at his home on March 4, 2023. Several others were killed in the incident. Four suspects are in custody and more arrests are expected. The motive for the attack was unclear; however, it’s worthy of note that Degamo was distributing welfare funds at the time.

– President Erdogan of Turkey has signed a decree announcing the upcoming elections on 14 May, a symbolic anniversary of the country’s first departure from one-party rule. It had been widely speculated that damage and a widespread state of emergency from the recent earthquakes might have generated a delay. Opposition party leader Kılıçdaroğlu has been nominated; it’s not yet known whether he’ll be killed in an accident, arrested for crimes against the State, or shot trying to escape.

– The United States Department of Justice has found “reasonable cause to believe” that the civil rights of citizens were violated by the Louisville Metro Police Department in the incident that ended with the killing of Breonna Taylor in her bed. A spokesman reportedly went on to say that shooting random people in their beds at night is “not O.K.”

– Suicide bombers in Somalia Afghanistan and Pakistan missiles in Ukraine civilian death toll infrastructure machete attack on civilians in Africa tear gas Israel Palestine Iranian missile factory in Syria Yemeni rebel leader killed by American drone Russia forces American spy drone down Boko Haram gunmen storm fishing village Mexican drug gang kidnaps Americans and kills two and other unpleasant occurrences are all filed as “business as usual” and are considered “not newsworthy” by the editorial staff of The Not Fake News.

– The Senate of France has voted overwhelmingly to raise the retirement age from 62 to 64, this despite nationwide protests that have, among other things, left massive piles of garbage to stink and rot in the streets of Paris. Meanwhile, another controversial bill, which would penalize striking workers by not paying them during the time they’re actively on strike, has yet again failed to receive a hearing before that august body.

– To nobody’s surprise, China’s president Xi Jinping has been elected unanimously to yet another term by the rubber-stamp parliament. China has now adopted that form of democracy known as “One Man, One Vote”; Xi is “The Man”, and he has “The Vote”. (Joke credit to the late Terry Pratchett)

– A string of large bank failures began in the United States following massive cryptocurrency exchange losses. Contrary to internet rumor, the financial collapse had nothing whatsoever to do with “woke” ideologies, save only that they tend to be common among Americans; instead, the root cause was attempted profiteering by legions of “crypto bros” living in their parent’s basements combined with intense banking deregulation over the course of the past three decades.

– The City of Chicago is having trouble finding a replacement for their chief of police. The current superintendent plans to resign on the 16th, having reached mandatory retirement age without having been successfully prosecuted for corruption, thereby setting a record for a city official in Chicago. First Deputy Eric Carter will temporarily fill the position until a candidate can be found who is not actively up on charges.

– THIS JUST IN: Epstein is still dead, this time of an apparent suicide in his cell, but most likely due to a failed attempt at autoerotic asphyxiation. (Kids: Don’t Try This At Home.) More on this breaking story as it occurs.

And that’s all the news that’s fit to print plus, as always, some that isn’t. The staff of The Not Fake News would like to thank Presidents Xi and Erdogan for being such good sports, as always, and promises to make fun of other world leaders in the future as and when opportunity presents.

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