“Those who fail to learn from the brutal stompings visited on them in the past are doomed to be brutally stomped in the future.”
– Raoul Duke, Christmas Eve 1972

Late last night, while I was engaged in my regular sacrifices and oblations the Great White Porcelain God Whose Name Is Ralph came a pounding on the door at the damnedest moment imaginable. They broke in, and my feeble gestures of resistance notwithstanding, they did their evil deeds and left. Imagine my shock when I recovered myself enough to stagger into the living room only to discover six cases of beer, an IBM Selectric, a recently reconnected Mojo Wire, and enough speed to charge a rhino. The Editorial Enforcement Division had visited again and caught me at a weak moment. I might have said with my pants down, but that would be an abuse of the metaphor. I’m the one being abused and I don’t want to detract from that point, so I’ll avoid the figure of speech and just get right to it.

Once my vision had cleared enough so I could make out the assignment and research materials, I realized they, and by extension all you dumbasses desperate enough for enlightenment to read this crap, were being morons again. To be specific, you’re all wrong, and they raised me from somewhere south of dead to beat the correct information into you.

Here’s the pretty picture that was left on top of the stack. Look at it, and then I’ll explain what it’s saying, because half of you will get it wrong and I don’t have the patience.

See? Pretty picture, and you don’t understand it. I was right.

What you think it’s saying is, major media running the gamut from the Grey Lady clear to L.A. are concentrating on defaming poor old Uncle Joe even more than they do Trump, presumably because their capitalist owners and their staffs of radical Islamic commie bastard reporters have finally achieved consensus in their hatred and decided at long last to do something about it. People love to believe crazy ideas that play into their biases, and you’re no exception, never mind that this exact same nutso story has been substituted for common knowledge in the rightwing fringe camp for twenty years now, only with all the players on the other team.

You can’t both be right, which is fine because neither of you are.

Sure, yes, even the partisan rags are all writing stories about the anti-Biden resistance, how he’s slipping in the polls, can’t possibly beat Trump, and needs to step aside for the good of the country. How could they not? It’s news, and their job is to tell the news even if it contradicts the Official Party Line. Even MSNBC has enough residuum left from their long-atrophied journalistic ethics to pay lip service to that old adage. But that’s not what you’re missing.

It’s not a conspiracy.

Read that again, and see if it penetrates: It’s not a conspiracy.

There’s no corporatist cabal out to undercut Diamond Joe, and the fringe nuts pretending to be unbiased journalists are far too busy infighting to ever accept marching orders from the Internationale. The reason Biden’s sanity and competence are in the spotlight is because it’s a brand new thing. It’s startling, worthy of comment.

This is in sharp contrast with The Donald, who we all know, have known for a long time, will never forget, could not possibly mistake, is crazier than a sewer rat under a crack house. The man’s so frigging mental he makes me look sane, and he’s on more drugs than… Remember that trip to Vegas, all that mescaline, speed, and LSD? Like that only twisted.

It’s not news because we all know it already.

Forget if you can that he’s an accomplished con artist, a perpetual liar, and so grasping and venal that the contrast makes Bob Menendez take on almost a choirboy aura. Ignore the trials and criminal charges, the abuses of power and him soiling the dignity of his former office in lieu of Depends. Set aside even the gilded narcissism for which he’s famous and the financial savvy that led him to bankrupt a casino — that deserves restating: To. Bankrupt. A. Frigging. CASINO!!!

Anyway. Put all that entirely out of your minds and he’s still so obviously insane that the last remaining fruitcake manufacturers have been knife-fighting each other over the recipe for a decade now.

Against that, we have news stories that strongly imply the President, in his eighty-first year, might possibly have lost a step.

I ask you: Conspiracy, or no?

Okay. Job done. I’m off to go sleep for about six weeks. Wake me if… no, never mind. Don’t.

Just don’t, all right?

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Full disclosure: We had nothing to do with the delivery mentioned in this article. It just showed up on the Sports Desk one morning with no warning, like usual. -Editor

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