president

The Stolen Secretary Matter

Report, by special investigator Johnny Dollar, to the office of the Transition Administrator, Washington, D.C.
The following is an account of expenses incurred in the Stolen Secretary Matter.

It was half past one on a rainy Thanksgiving morning, and I’d been rudely awakened by an urgent telephone message. “We need your help,” they said, and when my country calls I’m there.

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When Will We Know For Sure?

Not today, and probably not tomorrow either. Sorry, but that’s the truth.

In a normal year, we’d have most of these things figured out by now, but this is not a normal year. Thanks to COVID-19, a record number of votes came in by mail, and the outdated laws in most states haven’t yet caught up with the new normal. As a result, some states will still be receiving votes through Friday, one or two over the weekend, and so on. It gets complicated, and there’s no reason you should have to know all the details.

But, what the hell — that’s what we’re here for. Right? …Right?

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F&L 2020: Enthusiasm Gap

OPINION

Be warned: I’m about to start blaspheming here, though not against any widely respected or even recognized faith.

My target is not a god per se, but rather certain beliefs fervently held by adherents of political parties — who, if they know me well enough by now, have already stopped reading. Which is fair enough; if I fail to lend credence while they impugn my faith, why should they pay attention to someone kicking at the underpinnings of theirs?

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F&L 2020: But I Don’t Wanna!

“But why would you vote third party? Don’t you realize that Trump is an existential threat? It’s not like the Greens will win anyway.”

I’ve heard this dozens of times and in many different ways, but the message is always the same. Substitute Biden for Trump and Libertarian for Green and it still works — though I more often hear words like “disaster” and “horrific” from my conservative friends.

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F&L 2020: Is Uncle Joe Senile?

Opinion

Let’s face it:  As long as Uncle Joe has been campaigning, his foot’s been in his mouth as often as not.  Heck, given his repeated plagiarism, sometimes it’s someone else’s foot.  …Or is that him being creepy?  I lose track.  But that’s O.K., I guess, because so does he.

In any other campaign season, the candidates would need to be out on the road (more…)

F&L: Our Endorsement

The editorial staff of The Not Fake News, together with our Brain Trust, has long debated registering our formal endorsement for the Presidency of the United States.  With the departure of Bernie Sanders from the race, we have finally determined that there’s absolutely nobody running we think is qualified, competent, mentally stable, and has unimpeachable moral standards.

This is nothing new in American politics.  Very few of our presidents (more…)

F&L: Joe Biden – Virtuous Veep or Goofy Uncle Joe?

It’s ironic that Joe Biden is both a vocal proponent of identity politics who has supported Affirmative Action and an old white guy running for president in a remarkably non-diverse field.  He’s not just an old white guy but the; he’s the Old Man of Democratic party politics.  He’s seen it all; from Nixon to the present his entire life has been in politics, and despite some horrendous personal setbacks he’s kept fighting for the causes he believes in.

So the natural question here isn’t so much Who is Joe Biden? but Why would anyone oppose him?  I’ll do my best to answer both. (more…)

Does One Vote Matter?

You know, in our history of electing presidents, we’ve had some narrow wins.  In some cases, if  a very few people had voted another way, the results would have been entirely different.

I was asked which margin was narrowest in our entire history of electing presidents.  As best as I can tell, (more…)

Third Parties In 2020

If you’ve been reading my stuff for any amount of time, you might remember that I was a pretty fervent supporter of Gary Johnson in 2016.  Now, I’m no Libertarian; likewise, I don’t smoke pot.  I just really dislike both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton, and I couldn’t bring myself to vote for either one.

(Not to worry; I voted in Maryland.  I didn’t get Trump elected.)

This time around, the most prominent Libertarian is running as a Republican.  That’s only fair, since the most prominent Socialist (more…)

Virtue Signalling For Votes

“The only people truly bound by campaign promises are the voters who believe them.”
― Christopher Hitchens

There are two types of promises:  comforting lies, and those meant to be kept.  Campaign promises differ from normal ones only in the choice of subject; where a doctor might tell a panicked child, “Now, you might feel a little pinch,” a politician will promise to end world hunger (more…)