Sports Desk: Steyer Floats Lead Balloon On Soylent Green New Deal

Hot off the Mojo Wire from roving Sports Desk reporter Duke Milhaus, on special assignment in New Hampshire covering the primaries. (Editor’s Note: I did NOT send him. He stole a credit card and my tech guy, and if you see him I want them both back, dammit!)

Dateline: Manchester, 05 Feb 2020
To Share Brewery

Tonight’s Meet & Greet with billionaire and recovering hedge fund manager Tom Steyer took an unexpected turn when the candidate walked back his position on cannibalism. Ever dapper in shirtsleeves, iridescent belt, and trademark plaid tie, Steyer’s face was indescribable as he sought to take back his words. “No! Cannibalism is bad!” he shouted — too late.


Among the uninvited guests were two notorious union-busters cadging free beer while scouting out the crowd on behalf of Big Carbon. Within thirty seconds of the candidate’s endorsement of human consumption, both had vanished and the crudités table was completely refreshed, to be as swiftly plucked clean by the ravenous crowd. Diligent search later revealed two campaign pins endorsing “CO2 For You” but no other trace.

When contacted for comment on the faux pas, campaign staff clarified: “Mr. Steyer had been advocating for cannabis legalization when his tongue slipped. Fortunately, no real harm was done, and we’re confident the results of tonight’s error will at least be eco-friendly.”

Candidate Steyer has not been seen since the event, and is presumed to be in seclusion. This reporter last observed him when he was played off the stage to the sound of campaign theme song, Aerosmith’s “Eat The Rich”.

Our legal staff informs me that we shouldn’t release this without corroboration, but we do have the candidate’s quote on tape, locked in the stacks at our secure archive facility. Tech Guy Griff approved of the smoky gouda on the meat and cheese plate, and Duke himself is presently incoherent, possibly due to overindulgence on “Old Barney”… but, let’s face it: Duke isn’t the most coherent soul at the best of times.

I can personally attest the To Share Brewery is a delightful venue, and I’m positive their management would never serve human flesh. has not approved this article

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