Is it a happy New Year? Really? …Well, at least it’s New. Right? …Right?

Well. One out of three ain’t bad.

Hello and welcome to the most recent edition of the Update from The Not Fake News: All the news you’re afraid you might have missed while you (quite sensibly) left the TV turned off for the past couple of weeks! So, without further ado, let’s get started!

– Your Blackberry probably just stopped working. Service on the native OS has had its plug pulled as of Wednesday, and only those few devices using Android are working at all. Even those will no longer be updated going forward. President Obama is reportedly furious, but we can’t confirm because we can’t get him on his phone.

– Betty White died.

– Protests in Kazakhstan have escalated to such a point that the majority of the government has resigned. Security forces have been defeated in direct clashes, with some officers beheaded. Protests began after an announced hike in fuel costs, and rapidly escalated to what some observers termed “anarchy in the streets”. Armed attackers seized the international airport at the capital as citizens flooded into the cities from the countryside and impoverished suburbs. Military aid from Russia has been requested to help stabilize the situation, and President Tokayev has issued a shoot-to-kill order to the security services. No word yet on when the nation’s annexation will take place.

– In the Caribbean island territories of Guadeloupe and Martinique, the barricades have gone up and traffic has been halted. Labor unions have joined forces with anti-vaccine groups to protest the poor standard of living and the imposition of vaccine passports in the French colonies. Protesters invaded the Regional Council of Guadeloupe, performing multiple acts of vandalism; notably, this is not being referred to as an attempted coup d’etat.

– Chinese property developer Evergrande has suspended trading of its shares pending restructuring after missing bond payments. The massive luxury real estate firm has assets in the hundreds of billions of dollars and a massive income, but has suffered severe cash flow problems in recent months. Rumors of projected insolvency first appeared after a controversial 2012 report on unsustainable practices resulted in the trading suspension of Citron Research founder Andrew Left from the Hong Kong exchange; no explanation for Evergrande’s present cash flow crisis has been given. Evergrande is one of the world’s largest companies, with direct ties to the Chinese government and massive assets in every area of the Chinese economy.

– Denmark has reportedly freed several pirates by setting them adrift in a dinghy in the middle of the ocean after failing to find a country willing to accept extradition. The suspected pirates, who allegedly attacked a container ship six weeks ago, reportedly fired on Dutch security forces. Four were killed outright, a fifth fell overboard, and number six had to be flown to a hospital to have his leg amputated. The survivors were forbidden to be flown to Denmark on the principle that, having entered, they might not be able to be deported. The last accused pirate is scheduled for a swift and fair trial followed by a slap on the wrist, after which he will be able to request asylum.

– Two Haitian journalists have been shot and then burned alive on the outskirts of Port Au Prince, according to Écoute FM, the employer of one of the victims. The two had been attempting to gather information on the local gang violence. Several American politicians were reportedly distressed to discover that, contrary to rumor, Tucker Carlson was not among the journalists, and had to be reminded of the definition of the word “journalist” before they were satisfied.

– Google’s pledge to “not be evil” suffered yet another in a long stream of embarrassing external interventions, this time from patent courts. Infringee Sonos, a company that produced groundbreaking multi-room surround sound technology, successfully sued Google to prevent the importation of smart speakers and other tech devices into the United States. Google spokesman Lucifer Morningstar denied wrongdoing and pledged to obey the letter of the law going forward.

– Sergeant Victor Isasi, a Paraguayan soldier protecting the presidential palace, has died after being attacked by a deer on the grounds. The animal, an axis deer from India, is one of several unique animals kept in a separate enclosure near the palace.

– One year ago, the United States suffered either an out-of-control riot that breached the Capitol during the certification and count of the presidential vote, or the silliest and worst-organized coup attempt since Boris and Natasha failed in a similar plot during the Cold War. President Biden, with lower ratings, a worse combover, and poorer public speaking skills than his predecessor in office, condemned Trump in a speech on January 6 to high applause. (Spoiler: Inside the second envelope is a note that begins, “Prepare two envelopes…”)

– THIS JUST IN: Ghislaine Maxwell is in prison, in a touching demonstration of the well-known saying that couples deeply in love for many years sometimes finish each other’s sentences. Epstein is reportedly still dead; more news on that story as it breaks. And, curiously enough, despite a massive list of potential high-profile accomplices in the sex ring, nobody else appears to be facing prosecution.

And that’s all the news that’s fit to print, plus a well-earned dig at famed COVID hypocrite and mass-murderer-by-disinformation Tucker Carlson and an outright insult directed toward Lucifer Morningstar, who for all his faults nevertheless has never sunk to the depths of representing Google. The Not Fake News offers no apology. Screw ’em both, especially Carlson.

Besides: This is humor.

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If what you just read pisses you off, that’s not because it’s wrong. People are wrong every day and it doesn’t get to you. If you’re upset by this article, it’s because deep down you’re afraid it’s true.

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