The Not Fake News Update: 14 November 2022

So, yes, there was an election. As always, it was the most important of our lifetimes. As always, the very existence of our nation and way of life were at stake. And as always, two nearly identical political parties both won and the rest of us lost, so nothing’s going to change.

Enough said; moving on to important things:

– It’s official: Russia is no longer a country that represses foreign visitors, preventing free and unfettered travel without presenting approved travel papers, sending people to prison on trumped-up charges, and other things of that nature. In fact, so open are their borders that Poland has decided to raise a wall along its border with Russian exclave Kaliningrad, this following the discovery of uncontrolled refugee emigration from that territory. Apparently, they’re fleeing to Russia, wandering all the way from the southern borders to the north without obstruction, and entirely of their own volition taking the (expensive!) train to the west just to walk to Poland in the middle of a particularly nasty European winter. Ah, that bracing Baltic Sea air! Especially fine for desert dwellers and Rohingyans — so much like home!

– Ethiopia and the Tigray government have signed another treaty, again ending the Tigray War. This marks the fourth agreement and the second end of this war between the elected government and the party that had once been in office. Observers are optimistic, and say that, judging by past performance, this permanent peace is likely to last at least three months, not counting occasional clashes at the new (revised) borders.

– In Afghanistan, the Ministry for the Propagation of Virtue and the Prevention of Vice has issued an edict banning women from gyms, public parks, and fun fairs because “people were ignoring segregation orders and women were not wearing hijabs appropriately”. Hereafter, Afghani women will only be permitted to attend private parks and un-fun fairs, where the rides are made of concrete and broken glass. Meanwhile, in Iran, civilian casualties continue to mount as the harsh government crackdown continues; the government has just issued its first official death sentence to a protester.

– An outbreak of cholera among the transient refugee population in Lebanon has prompted the government, with the backing of the World Health Organization, to begin a massive vaccination campaign. The ongoing economic crisis in that country has made it impracticable to provide clean drinking water and effective sanitation to citizens, much less the estimated million refugees presently resident in and around Beirut. According to a government announcement, this first phase of vaccinations is expected to be completed within three weeks, or sooner “if enough people hurry up and die”.

– Russia’s Foreign Ministry has banned the White House Press Secretary from entering their country along with three siblings of President Biden. This news came as a shock to most American citizens, who were unaware that Biden had any surviving siblings, much less three.

– Senior U.S. officials have confirmed that severe airstrikes conducted by an “unidentified party” rained destruction on Iranian-backed militias near the Iraqi border with Syria, also destroying a massive convoy of gasoline tanker trucks heading for Lebanon. “I know nothing; NO-THING!”, was the only other statement issued by American military personnel concerning the incident.

– Russia and Ukraine have once again agreed to continue grain exports through the Black Sea despite the ongoing war between the two nations. This will primarily benefit Turkey, China, Egypt, and countries across southern Asia, and only secondarily the Military-Industrial Complex, which we’re informed “is getting paid either way”.

– Elon Musk has cut Twitter’s staff by three quarters in an effort to reduce expenses at his recent acquisition; a request for a statement was met with an answering machine message announcing that the press office had been closed. (This is actually true.) His most recent budget-cutting move has been to start charging employees for cafeteria meals, which had previously been free (to them; the company was reportedly paying $400 per). Fortunately for Twitter, some of the recent losses in ad money are being replaced by a massive SpaceX ad buy.

– BREAKING NEWS: Biden meets with Xi for three hours at Bali economic summit; the two men shook hands and complained politely to each other about their evil ways.

– THIS JUST IN: Epstein is still dead, Biden is still president, and Trump is still not.

And that’s all the news that is news plus, as always, some that’s neither added just for spice. We were going to talk about Kurds bombing Turkey, Iran bombing Kurds, and Israel bombing Iran, but none of that is surprising enough to be newsworthy so we’ll let it pass for now.

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