The Not Fake News Update, 08 May 2023

Happy V-E Day!

Charles is king, Harry sat in the back, Megan didn’t come, and all sorts of other useless and uninteresting things happened to take up our bandwidth. But, while that was happening, some important things also took place.

Afraid you missed something? The Not Fake News has you covered! Sit back, relax, and let the words flow.

– The Arab League has re-admitted Syria after a twelve year suspension during the Syrian Civil War. We asked a person who knows: Does this mean the civil war in Syria has ended? The answer is No.

– One of the killers of Iraqi academic Hisham al-Hishemi three years ago has been sentenced to death. The former police officer confessed to the murder after his arrest. al-Hishemi, an expert on terrorist groups, was ordered killed by Iran, which sponsors the terrorist group Kata’ib Hezbollah to do its bidding in Iraq using money in part donated by American expatriates. الموت للإرهاب

– Turkish vice-presidential candidate Ekrem İmamoğlu was attacked during a pro-Kılıçdaroğlu rally by opposition party members stationed in the crowd to throw rocks. Government officials later praised the attackers for their support of popular democracy. It is not known yet whether İmamoğlu will be shot resisting arrest or instead die trying to escape, as the Turks like to have their elections first before actually killing anyone. The current president, Erdoğan, is slated to win on the 14th by a mixture of popular support, brutal oppression tactics, and the recent innovation of stuffing ballot-boxes.

– In Ukraine, Wagner Group mercenaries culled from the prisons and gutters across Russia have been recalled from their vital role as cannon fodder in Bakhmut after having run out of ammunition following the Russian government’s failure to send any supplies at all. No irony has been added to this item; it’s right off the ticker tape.

– The World Health Organization has downgraded the COVID-19 pandemic from “global health emergency” to “global health threat”. A spokesman explained that the system is rather like that used for weather watches versus warnings. A “taco emergency” for example, would be when all the taco ingredients were assembled; a “taco threat” is when actual tacos are being consumed and there’s no way to escape them.

– The Writer’s Guild of America has gone on strike, citing poor pay and abysmal working conditions. In response, Hollywood has hired noted AI chatbot ChatGPT to replace them as scab labor. A statement issued by ChatGPT says, in part, “While it would be unethical to use a chatbot as scab labor in a strike, if it were used as scab labor, this is what it would do…”

– In response to the loss of a hijacked and re-flagged oil tanker carrying sanctioned oil off the coast of Indonesia, Iran has seized a replacement tanker in the Gulf of Hormuz. This isn’t really news, since it happens all the time; we’re just filling up space.

– The Department of Defense has announced the deployment of 1500 soldiers along the U.S.-Mexico border to provide “non-law-enforcement administrative assistance” to the Border Patrol in advance of a massive surge in unlawful migrant crossings following the expiration of Title 42 anti-COVID immigration bans. Hotels across the country, which had until recently been suffering from an unusual lack of custom, are said to be looking forward to the new customers with great anticipation, and their stock prices have taken a jump across the board. This is actually true.

– Russian President Vladimir Putin was said to be the attempted victim of a poorly contrived assassination attempt. It’s unknown whether Russian anti-Putinists, Ukrainian anti-Putinists, or Putin himself was the author of the drone attack in an attempt to justify God-only-knows-what escalation in the Ukraine war-that-he-refuses-to-call-a-war.

– In other news, Sudan civil war school massacre in Pakistan diplomat expulsion two Serbian school shootings Belarus sentences journalist pro-war Russian attacked by car bomb mass shooting at Texas mall floods in Rwanda Uganda orders death penalty for homosexuality earthquake in Japan disaster after disaster just like always did we miss any probably.

– THIS JUST IN: Epstein is still dead, and his guest list remains the only secret document in Washington to not have been left accidentally at a former or current president’s former or current office in a gratuitous breach of confidentiality rules.

And that’s the news, plus as always a little extra. Thanks for reading; please donate generously.

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