The Not Fake News Update, 24 Jan 2022

No, you’re not imagining things. There’s an Update, even though we’re still on hiatus.

My advice: It’s like manna from heaven. Don’t waste time gawping; just accept that good things sometimes happen and be happier than you were ten minutes ago.

And then read the news, which admittedly may cost you some happiness and/or peace of mind.

– The military in Burkina Faso has just declared that it has taken over the government, placing the president under arrest. Jihadist rebels in the north are reportedly spinning in their mass graves. Meanwhile, the White House has issued the clarifying statement that, yes, Uncle Joe really does know where Burkina Faso is; it was “just another gaffe”. (Hint: It’s by Mali. …You’re still going to have to look it up, aren’t you?)

– British-Belgian aviatrix Zara Rutherford has become the youngest person to solo pilot around the world at the age of 19, in a micro-light plane loaned to her by the manufacturer. Her trip was delayed by visaes, blizzards, Typhoon Rai, and of course the COVID-19 pandemic. Legendary world traveler Phileas Fogg reportedly commented, “That’s not bad time for a woman” before being slapped by his wife, the princess Aouda. A clarification was released, but nobody really cared.

– The United Arab Emirates are now the most recent target of missile strikes by Houthi rebels in Yemen. Several high-tech drone-launched missiles were intercepted and destroyed just short of Dubai by combined U.A.E. and U.S. anti-missile defense forces. Yemen, having been engaged in a proxy civil war for the past two decades, lacks the infrastructure to build a functioning Kleenex, much less high-tech drone missiles, but it’s no longer stylish to blame Iran for the ongoing and completely pointless conflict.

– Speaking of pointless conflict, the U.K. and U.S. have each ordered partial evacuations of their respective embassies in Kiev, and are strongly suggesting all citizens leave Ukraine, presuming a Russian invasion, and even Canada has deployed special forces units to support the beleaguered country. Meanwhile, the Russian stock market has tanked, NATO anti-tank weapons systems are being sent to Ukraine, and Iran’s foreign minister, presently wanted for terrorism in Argentina, is in Russia for in-person consultations. No word yet on how Russia plans to reject Argentina’s extradition request.

– Italy has officially begun its presidential elections, a process expected to take several weeks as the debates will be mostly conducted using shouting along with violent hand gestures. Prospective candidates, including current president Mattarella and former Prime Minister and convicted tax evader Silvio Berlusconi, have already withdrawn from the increasingly barren race, which at present is down to five candidates. The only people permitted to vote in the presidential elections are members of the deeply divided parliament, and an absolute majority is required for victory.

– Accompanying an official announcement of 7% inflation in the United States, American stock markets have begun to plummet, with tech stocks taking the majority of the hit. Fears of global conflict accompany a reaction to probable upcoming inflation-fighting measures by the Federal Reserve are reportedly feeding the continued slide in values. On a related note, long lines for window ledges on Wall Street have been drastically reduced by the simple expedient of charging a nominal $10 cash fee for space, which many potential suicides are unable to raise during the present crisis.

– Microsoft is acquiring Activision Blizzard to add to its portfolio, which currently includes dozens of former top-level game design groups which haven’t produced anything decent since being bought out by Microsoft. First Arcanist Thalyssra, speaking for the Horde Council, voiced optimism, saying that “Perhaps the bitter war will now finally end.” Meanwhile, the CDC has announced new masking measures for all Microsoft employees to prevent transmission of the Corrupted Blood plague outside of Zul Gurub.

– A federal judge has authorized a plan to remove Puerto Rico’s government from its present status of bankruptcy, authorizing payments to creditors on a reduced scale after slashing liability but maintaining the pension fund intact. Still in trouble are the corporations controlling the island territory’s utilities, which have suffered extreme losses due to inefficiency, corruption, and hurricane damage.

– The Hunga Tonga volcanic island has been almost completely destroyed in a violent eruption, which covered much of the island nation in either volcanic ash or a tsunami wave of seawater. The detonation could be clearly heard over 1500 miles away in New Zealand.

– Indonesia has announced the name of their new capitol city will be Nusantara, a traditional name for the island archipelago chain. The present capitol, Jakarta, is being replaced because it’s sinking into the mud at a rate of nearly seven inches per year, which, when combined with sea level rise, accounts for a total of nearly seven inches per year.

– THIS JUST IN: Epstein is still dead, and Ghislaine Maxwell is still alive. More reports as they arrive on this shocking breaking news story.

If what you just read pisses you off, that’s not because it’s wrong. People are wrong every day and it doesn’t get to you. If you’re upset by this article, it’s because deep down you’re afraid it’s true.

No, The Not Fake News did not “get the memo” to “fall in line or else”; we’d find it hard to believe that anything else would be, financially, worse than this. We’re not shills of the public narrative; we don’t take marching orders from major media. We’re independent, and because we don’t get payoffs or even ad money, we’re poor but reliable.

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