The Not Fake News Update, 27 May 2020

Here’s what you might have missed while binge-streaming the Great British Baking Show — or, alternately, putting in 60 hours straight at your essential job:

– Riots in Minneapolis after video of a police officer suffocating a man during an obvious excessive force apprehension goes viral.  Four officers were fired and charges against them are considered likely, but protestors — including some few from the Chicago area — nevertheless paraded, then marched, then lectured, and finally got tear gassed after provoking police.  They wanted headlines; they got me.  Slow news day. (more…)

It’s Not About Me

I keep having to tell myself that:  It’s not about me, I say.  And then fifteen seconds later it becomes about me again.  Pretty silly, isn’t it?

When I go outside wearing a mask, I can’t breathe.  I get light-headed; there’s a tightness in my chest; I get dizzy.  My lungs are going like a bellows in a steel mill and my heart’s like a jackhammer.  It’s called a panic attack, they tell me, though like Paul Vitti I object strongly to that term.  To me, it’s that I’m overheating and can’t get enough air.  That will always be my private interpretation, no matter that my brain tells me otherwise. (more…)

On The Twelfth

We’re having a great debate in this country, and as per usual it’s about the wrong things.

When I say the words “great” and “debate” in this context, I’m being misleading.  It’s more of a drunken argument between ignorance and stupidity somewhat reminiscent of politics and religion over post-Thanksgiving football between (more…)

Fear and Loathing 2020: A Letter To Uncle Joe

I’ve been trying for months, but I’ve been unable to put it into words.  Then, an unusually reasonable exchange on Twitter followed by a timely DNC campaign email crystallized the thought for me.  This is what I sent back to Mr. Biden.  It says what I mean, and how I feel.  I wonder if it might not be close to how you feel.

I know this is (more…)

Welcome To The Monoculture

We’ve achieved corporate feudalism in our lifetimes.  Congratulations.

You must have wanted it.  Otherwise, you wouldn’t have bought it.  Now that your votes don’t matter but money does, we vote with our dollars, and what we buy rules the world.  That’s why our hamburgers are extruded and why they sugar the buns at McDonald’s.

Did you know there was a time when you could get an actually good-tasting burger at McDonald’s?  It had real meat and everything.  Brilliant (more…)

Treasure (VI)

“Hah.  So you’re a collector yourself, then,” she said, amused.  “Except you don’t collect the books.  You collect the stories about them.”

“You know, I think you’re right,” he said.  “I’d love to hear more about your uncle, and how he came into possession of these.”

“He never talked much about his former life, before my family came to this country.  He was a gardener, but that’s all I know.  That, and these books were his treasure.  And he gave them to me…” (more…)

Hinges Recently Replaced – Not Uncommon In Old Books (V)

“So what’s it worth?”

“As a book?  Maybe twenty bucks.  But let me ask you:  What’s that story worth?  And every bit of it’s true.  No, this I won’t sell — not for twenty, not for a hundred.  Someday, to the right person, I’ll sell it.  Because that’s my job; it’s why I’m here.  But it has to be someone the story means something to.”

She nodded now, understanding.  “Because there aren’t many of that kind of collector.  I’d imagine most are only in it for the money.” (more…)

The Not Fake News Update, 05 May 2020

Welcome to the Update, and May the Schwartz have been with you!

Here’s some things you might have missed that have been happening while we were paying attention to other things:

– A random nut attacked the Cuban embassy in Washington the other day.  After trying (but failing) to light a graffitied Cuban flag on fire even with the help of gasoline, he (more…)

Pages Slightly Swollen From Moisture (IV)

“I’m just trying to understand.  Not why these books are special, but why any of that matters at all to us.  Isn’t it all about the money?”

“With some collectibles, it’s the story of the book rather than the one written inside it that gives it its value.  Look, here,” as he brought down a battered volume from the shelf over his desk.  She moved closer, interested despite herself.  “Lady Chatterley’s Lover, pirated knockoff, 1939.  A three thousand copy run.  It’s a cheap reprint, and even if it hadn’t been soaked in what looks like salt water it wouldn’t have (more…)